dude, creepy...very creepy...

but utterly AWESOME! can barely wait for an update!

not good, good writting, bad executtion.

*whistles* thats some weard shit right there dude... update soon k?

nice story so far. I'm wondering how Samus will get out of this or if not what will happen. I'll check on this story now and then.

Hi. This isn't a bad start to a story. There was a little twist thrown in when the pirates didn't kill everyone. But there are things you need to clean up. So, I'm going to give you some advice.

"There was a sense of loading cargo that she got when she boarded the simple Federation Police cruiser."

I pick this sentence because I think it shows both your weakness and strength. Weaknessstructure. Strengthanalogy.

That sentence is confusing and not very effective at utilizing your analogy. The base of your sentence is "there was". You want "she(SAmus)" to be the subject. Right? Also, the "that" just shouldn't be used .

Here are some alternatives.-"When she boarded the simple Federation Police Cruiser, Samus felt like she was being treated as cargo." "Sensing that she was considered cargo, Samus boarded the ...Cruiser." "Feeling like cargo was not something SAmus enjoyed, but she boarded anyway."

A sentence like that (with the inversion and analogy) would be better.

Okay, hope that was helpful. Keep writing!

Well. Crap.

This can't be good.

Naturally, Samus would be put on war crimes against the Pirates since they've joined the Federation now. But still...this is very bad indeed.

Especially how they locked her up. Ew.