I love your story! Please, please,please,please update!

Awesome story. Please update soon. I'm begging you! Please, please, please update! If you do I will love you with the fiery hot passion of a thousand suns! Ok, ignore that last part. So...will you update for me? Pwetty Pwetty Pwease?

COOL!!

Who's that Akane girl? She has demon energy? This is really confusing...I hope the next chapter eveals more about her...Please update soon!!

Really interesting. Can't wait to read the rest.

COOLIO! It's cool.

Hmm, there's still some little grammar issues I have with this fic.

Original Sentence: "Akane grabbed a bag and notebook, both in her favorite color: green, and checked that she hadn’t forgotten anything."

Colons are used for emphasis but usually the word after the colon ends the sentence.

Rewrite: "Akane grabbed a bag and notebook, both in her favorite color: green. She quickly checked to make sure she hadn't forgotten anything."

Original Sentence: "Akane was so shocked by the door opening so suddenly she didn’t quite know what to say."

You're missing the word 'that' or you could use a semi-colon (which sounds better)

Rewrite 1: "Akane was so shocked by the door opening so suddenly that she didn’t quite know what to say."

Rewrite 2: "Akane was so shocked by the door opening so suddenly; she didn’t quite know what to say."

Original Sentence: “Um, Mari’s not going to be here until two.” she managed to stammer."

First off, you don't need that many "m"s--a simple "umm" would suffice. Also, you don't end the quote with a period if you plan to add "she said/he said" after--end with a comma. Also, it says she managed to stammer. Akane didn't really stammer in that sentence.

Rewrite: “Umm, Mari’s not g-going to be h-here until two,” she managed to stammer.

Original Sentence: [“Oh, okay. Come in.” The blue haired girl said, flashed a sunny smile and almost skipped into the house. She spun around and said,

“Br. Its cold out there. Did you walk through that cold?”]

Once more, if you plan to type after a quote, use a comma--not a period. Also, you need to change some of the verb tenses for the sentence to flow. Also, you have an unnecessary break.

Rewrite: [“Oh, okay. Come in,” the blue haired girl said, flashing a sunny smile as she almost skipped into the house. She spun around and added, “Br. It's cold out there. Did you walk through that cold?”]

Original Sentence: [“...Yeah... Excuse me, but I don’t think I know you.” Akane said blushing slightly.]

Use a comma here.

Rewrite: [“...Yeah... Excuse me, but I don’t think I know you,” Akane said, blushing slightly.]

Original Sentece: “Oh, I’m Botan. I’m a friend of Yusuke’s”

Missing punctuation. Also, Yusuke's sounds odd. Just Yusuke should work.

Rewrite: “Oh, I’m Botan. I’m a friend of Yusuke.”

Original Sentence: “Nice to meet you Botan san. I’m Watanabe Akane.” Akane said as Urameshi walked into the room.

Comma. No period. COMMA.

Rewrite: “Nice to meet you Botan san. I’m Watanabe Akane,” Akane said as Urameshi walked into the room.

Original Setence: “Hey, Botan, who was at the door?” He said.

Lower-case "He"

Rewrite: “Hey, Botan, who was at the door?” he said.

Original Sentence: “She isn’t coming until two.” Akane said and moved into the living room to spread out her materials.

COMMA!

Rewrite: . . . I'm not gonna bother--you know what to do

Original Sentence: She looked over at Urameshi he didn’t seem like he is going to get the door.

You changed from past to present tense and you need a semi-colon to combine the sentences.

Rewrite: She looked over at Urameshi; he didn't seem like he was going to get the door.

Original Sentence: Instead she looked out at a boy about her age, he had long red hair and was wearing a long beige coat.

"looked out at" sounds strange. Also, you need a semi-colon.

Rewrite: Instead, she saw a boy about her age; he had long red hair and was wearing a long beige coat.

... Ok, I'm not going to edit every sentence. But you get my main points by now, right? COMMAS. SEMI-COLONS. AND VERB TENSE. Those were the main errors I saw. Overall, it wasn't too bad. Definitely better than what it was. I suggest you get a beta-reader to catch for those little mistakes since sometimes people who are reading something they themselves have not written are better at catching those little errors.

Continue improving,

~YK

*smirking* Better. Much better than it was. The sentences have a nicer flow and it's in third person POV. However, there is still a slight problem that troubles me. Don't worry, it's nothing major, just something that caught my eye:

She turned back to the bustling cafe as her friend said,

“Hey Akane chan, have you heard about the attacks up near Wakkanai?” Sorano asked. The third girl at the table jumped in her huge blue eyes lit up as she told what she had heard,

“It’s been all over the news. They say the victims look as if a huge animal tore them open!” Her high voice squeaking in excitement. She had light brown hair that was always up in a spiky bun. She was also fascinated by all things supernatural.

The thing is, the paragraphs are broken at odd places. Also, there are a couple grammar errors with this. It should look more like this:

“Hey Akane chan, have you heard about the attacks up near Wakkanai?” Sorano asked. The third girl at the table jumped in, her huge blue eyes lighting up as she told what she had heard.

“It’s been all over the news. They say the victims look as if a huge animal tore them open!” her high voice squeaking in excitement. She had light brown hair that was always up in a spiky bun. She was also fascinated by all things supernatural.

Also, you changed verb tenses in this sentence:

A boy walked into the shop and viciously rubbed his hands together, his black hair quickly became soaked as the snow on him melted.

Rewrite: A boy walked into the shop and viciously rubbed his hands together, his black har quickly becoming soaked as the snow on him melted.

Actually the "snow on him" part kind of bothers me. I mean, shouldn't it be "the snow on his head" or something like that? When I read this, I imagined him with snow on his shoulders but if that melted, it wouldn't make his hair wet.

You have another odd paragraph break as well:

“Urameshi, me and Mari are coming over to your house on Sunday, so you better be there. We won’t let you bring our grades down” He scowled and said,

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll be there, don’t have a heart attack.”

Rewrite:

“Urameshi, me and Mari are coming over to your house on Sunday, so you better be there. We won’t let you bring our grades down.”

He scowled and said,“Yeah, yeah, I’ll be there, don’t have a heart attack.”

Although there were still a few little mistakes, I'd say the chapter looks a lot better since you patched it up. Good job! Keep it up!

~YK

great! update soon pleaz!

dude this looks awsome update soon!