First off, let me say that your idea is a good one. You've gotten into the spirit of horror, and it's definitely interesting.

The way you began the story had definite promise. It was well written, interesting, and it all flowed nicely.

The dialogue... on the second page, it faltered somewhat. Of course, that was mostly because the AD established character of Tomo is loud and obnoxious. However, it could have been better.

While we're on the second page, your description of the dodgeball fight was good. However... I'm not sure you really established why Kaorin cares about Katsu, and vice versa. Likewise, you didn't really seem to give much reason about what happened in the forest.

Third page, about the same. Your dialogue was somewhat lacking, but then again, it /is/ Tomo. Your reasoning, though, can't be explained away so easily.

Fourth page: not much to say. Your writing is pretty good, along with your grasp of foreshadowing and whatnot.

Fifth page... reasoning! I want to keep hammering this because it's really the only reason why this piece is lacking. I mean, it's the third day Kaorin has known Katsu existed, yet they're dating? Reasons, reasons, reasons! Develop the two characters!

Sixth page, likewise. It was fairly well written, but you don't give any reasons as to why the characters do what they do. Also, a note; it's written 'all right', not 'alright'. It's kinda like 'alot' and 'a lot'. You break up the two words instead of running them together.

Seventh page; I don't know where to begin. WHY? I mean, really?

Page Eight... glurgh. Admittedly, I'm not a fan of sex scenes in general, but that's just me. Instead, reasoning, and...

Why are they so frigging calm?!

Metalogue; dear lord. This was where I hit the most blocks. You're telling us why, how, and what, after the story is done. Not only that, but you're pretty much doing it deus ex machina style. Why not let the characters figure it out? The internet is becoming quite handy, for example.

Overall, it was fairly good. However, as I've outlined above, there are a few sections I think could use work. I hope you take this long list of criticism well, because I only want to help you become a better writer. Thanks for writing this, and I hope that I've helped somehow!

Wheresmekilt

Checking out some of your back catalogue, I stumbled on to this. Really hilarious, not too long or short, but really easy going with a hint of dread. Maybe the ending was a bit abrupt, but I very much enjoyed the whole thing.

Particularly the inclusion of the Bonkuras to this extent was great, like the Azumanga Monster Squad or something that took off quite a lot from this in not turning into too dramatically weighty, while Sakaki's inclusion as a level-headed participant was a good plush.

But, most of all, I just loved many of Osaka's observations and comments like:

"Shit! I didn't bring any money!" Tomo griped.
"I brought some fruit snacks! Anybody want some fruit snacks?" Osaka said, holding out a few packages.

"The one rat told me that they have a city in the sewer..." Osaka spaced.

"Can he come too?" Osaka asked.
"Put the rat down, Osaka", Tomo said with a sigh.

"U'm rebby doo!", mumbled Osaka through a mouthful of pastry.

I LOL'd.

But, yeah! Really liked it I did, I did. And bada-bing-zum, too.

- Jani

wow Jay that was an amazingly awesome, yet really creepy, story! and that last part there was REALLY freaky...-shudder-

Good story. The ending about The Great Eye of the Universe made me think a lot. I wonder what ever happened to the demon...

The concept was interesting and fresh, well thought out. I wish the implementation matched up. But to this date I cannot decide if "viscous scrapping" was intentional. If someone emerged from a viscous slime of his cocoon, then probably yes!

"OtakuOtter *feels left out hey you know i`d join. i, one of the few Kaorin/Kakaki shippers who frequently visits the azu section of This was a great story and i hope to see more from you soon"
i am on everyday and can still manage a life and keep myself up in middle school also about the threts : i was kidin... but still ... dont doit... im serious now

you threten kaorin with tat diary again and iil fukin kill you *-T double post!

you threten kaorin with that diay again and iil fuckin kill you , also i got ur penguin hostage *-T

Wow, that Katsu wasn't all there was he, thank goodness for team sea slug who rescued Kaorin from his evil grasp. I'll be looking forward to Yukari and the Saki factory. So until then, take care.

Yukari: Hmph

AR: What.

Yukari: I forbid you to read it.

AR: Look, I'm sorry, but to be honest I think that Jay is a much better writer than I and... (Get's hit on the head with a shovel, knocking him out yet again)

Yukari: Kaorin?

Kaorin: I had to take my frustrations out on someone.

'till next time.

Too bad he was a host and he killed his family and himself seven years ago, him and Kaorin would be a good couple.

I personally can't wait for "Yukari and the Saki Factory." Hopefully no freaky ghastly colored skin person will be the boss of said factory. I imagine either an incredibly busty and attractive women or some tall man with one hell of a beer gut to play the boss of some alcoholic factory. Though I do hope that they keep the top hat...man I want one of those.

I am most curious about how strict you will be to the book's/movies' storyline. I mean the most obvious difference is that it's a Saki factory, but who will be attending? How will the select five be chosen? Will there even be five potential winners? I could ask more, put I'll stop for your sanity.

Umm, Is this a fanfic where Kaorin is paried with a boy in the end or with Sakaki, because I need to know if I want to read on.

What a twist!...Ok not really, but the whole Chomiel thing was unexpected. Do I smell a sequel coming?

And I must say for someone who likes Kaorin you just love to torture her. But now Chihiro is in on the craziness. But what do you have on the background character? She could just walk out of this ordeal and leave Kaorin, but if Chihiro has put up with Kaorin's antics for this long she'll probably stick with her. But it never hurts to have some dirt on people for a little reassurance.

HOORAY! Kaorin was saved from the alien scum. And it looks like something is brewing between Kaorin and Sakaki. So until then, take care. Oh and by the way, if there was a Kaorin fan club, I'd join as well.

Kimura: As would I.

AR: ACK WHERE DID YOU COME FROM!

Kimura: Wherever My Dear Sweet Kaorin is spoken of, I will be there.

AR: And where were you when she was in danger?

Kimura: I may be a high school girl obsessor, but even I'm not crazy enough to fight aliens.

AR: ...

'till next time

So it's over? It's been a brilliant fic! And this was a Brilliant and to it! and... i'll join the Fan club! :) Anyway keep up the good work and can't wait for your next fic!