Hey! I reckon you did pretty damn well with Xiaoming, I personally wouldn't class her as a Mary-Sue.
Interesting story, I wouldn't normally read this sorta thing- Jet's not my favourite character. Says something that I finished reading it and reviewed it!
Some points could, perhaps have been changed, I think that you hurried it a bit, and you could have elaborated on some things and made it longer, but that's just my opinion.
Congrats on a cool one-shot!

Smile! ^__^
~Ireina

To start with, I thought it was pretty nice. Not bad, but to be honest, to me, there were some inconsistancies or confusions.

Xiaoming isn't a Mary Sue, but she wasn't exactly a model character (hell, it's hard to make a perfect OC). I find it strange you suddenly decided to put her thoughts in the story, even though she didn't have much interaction in the first place. I think it might have been better if she remained silent.

I was slightly confused with the confliction between Xiaoming and Shing. First they were fighting, Xiaoming dies, Shing cries over her?

I wish there was more development with her. She loved Jet and how did Shing know that? When was Jet suddenly able to read Xiaoming's eyes? They've been traveling for only a litte while (I'm assuming).

Lastly grammar. You have decent grammar, but watch your uses of commas, semicolons and colons. You're only about to start Freshmen year (I presume after reading your profile) and, if you get into Honors English or just English, grammar is taken to another level. There is basically a whole novel on punctuation and much more involving gerunds, participles, and infinitives. There is also knowing the right place to use a comma and so on. There are clauses and what words are preterites and how not to end a sentence, clause or phrase with one. I'm still assuming you're in 8th grade. I remember in 8th grade, we barely touched grammar.

Also find more words instead of "said" or "asked". It gets repetitive and boring.

Also, I know a lot of stories have this, try to stray from writing "Jet's POV" or so on. It interrupts the story and kind of kills the mood. It would also be nice to make marks or bold your author notes, so the difference can be noticed. I was a little taken aback when the story started and ended.

My last minute suggestion: pay attention in school.

Definitely could have done better, but judging from your last one, it wasn't painful (your last one, that one paragraph just made me confused. Don't use so many words that only need to be known in SATs or ACTs like zephyr, or flotilla.) You're on your way. I was (probably still am) a horrible and boring writer.

Keep writing and reading. That's the best way to improve.

(p.s. if you want to reply, please just e-mail at won't send me alerts anymore for some reason)

A request/offer from dreamsofdestiny (sexfic writer fanatic!)

...sorry, I just had to add the ending part

So many people have reviewed your writing and flamed it, and you still don't seem to have improved. I can't tell if this is to spite them or...well, yeah, just to spite them. xD But, if I may be selfish here, I'd really, really, really like to help you improve so you get to be a better authoress. I'm not saying I'm an expert at writing anything at all, in fact I'm probably bottom-of-the-barrel material. But I don't think any of the people who "flamed" you actually offered help, because then you wouldn't have any flamers, period.

Please reply back (hopefully you can tell I don't copy and paste this on multiple fanfictions) via private messaging or review (you don't have to read the story) to tell me if you wanna take me up on my offer. It's not a lesson really, more like a favour or me trying to do a little bit of good in the world. You can ask for any sort of assistance, from beta-reading to well, thinking up plots, characterizations, or even how to duck flamers flames!

It's really not so much out of pity as it is just a curiousity if you might take up my offer. I promise it won't be a waste of time.

Ja ne!
xo destiny yamaguchi

... you just don't give up, do you?

This is pretty good. Keep it up! Xiaoming sounds clever. She sounds human too. I mean she has good qualities but she isn't perfect and her life isn't dramaticized. It's good to give an original character good qualities and a somewhat positive outlook on life. Good job.

*sigh* You've still got some issues, dolly-dearest, with Mary-Sues, incomplete sentences, and too-flowery prose. Let's start from the beginning, shall we?

- Xiaoming isn't a gawd-awful Mary-Sue, but she definitely has some Sue qualities. For example, you constantly describe her 'shimmering' eyes and have her speak whole sentences with them. I'm sorry, but that's just unrealistic. Eyes are more likely to convey an emotion or set of emotions, not a whole, thoughtfully-worded sentence. Also, as Citanula mentioned, Xiaoming has all these fabulous skills like tracking and hunting. Ask yourself: Where would she have learned them? Tracking and hunting are _hard_ - I speak from experience on this - and probably not part of the average citizen's education. Where did she get these skills and why does she need them? Last, she has ZOMGZ A TWAGIC PAST and dies ZOMGz A TWAGIC DEATH. Those are major Sue signs.

- You've got some incomplete sentences here, too. I think Citanula pointed them out already, so I'll just remind you that a complete sentence has a noun and a verb. Something as simple as 'Bob ran.' is a complete sentence. The more flowery alternative of 'Running, wanting just to escape.' is _not_ because it does not say who is running and wanting.

- Don't make things (and sentences) more complicated than they have to be. 'Xiaoming nodded her head to conclude her absolute answer.' is a really, really bad alternative to just saying: 'Xiaoming nodded resolutely.' or some variant thereof.

- I assume that, in this context, 'kismet' means fate. If it does, just SAY fate. It won't kill you. The most important rule of incorporating foreign terms into a story is to only use them when there is not an English equivalent. Don't say 'Ohayo!' when you can say 'Hello!' However, it is acceptable to use the French phrase 'Esprit d'Escalier' because there really is no English equivalent to it. [1]

- Don't label POV changes; your audience should be smart enough to figure them out. Also, 'No One's POV' should be 'Omniscient POV.'

Ta, dolly!

Nabeko

[1] 'Esprit d'Escalier' translates to 'Spirit of the Staircase' and refers to the sensation that comes when, after talking to someone (usually arguing), you think of the perfect thing that you should have said to them. It's the moment when you find the answer, but it's too late to give it.

Yay, AVATAR! FINALLY! Not that it matters, seeing I've never even seen it, unless you count some random ads and a quick scan for about 3 minutes...

Anyway...

~...Haha, No One's POV...why write that? Let the readers figure it out for themselves. No offence, but I mean, seriously...'No One'...

~...'The forest was nothing now. All because of her. All because she wanted to protect the ones she loved.'...Again, incomplete sentences. I don't actually mind, because the second one is reasonably effective, but the first one isn't that good. Consider: 'The forest was nothing now, and it was all because of her. It was all because she wanted to protect the ones she loved.'

~After that, that part about the beginning and the end is really awkward and dodgy...you could try rephrasing. I don't really know what you mean. I like how you italicised the Freedom Fighters without additional information, though.

~...'So far no Fire Nations.'...We understand...because there IS only one Fire Nation. If you meant the people, I suggest you actually use the word 'people'. Again, incomplete sentence. You need verbs. In this whole review, if I don't write a comment after a part of the story that I copy and pasted onto the review, it's an incomplete sentence.

~...'No trouble and complete silence.'

~...'No one has come yet, they are too afraid.'...Colon, not comma, and also I think it's the wrong tense, but not one hundred per cent sure.

~...'It has been too quiet and my fighters grow bored.'...I think it's still wrong tense.

~...'Her hair was black and tangled. Her eyes light gray displaying a blissful soul and skin ashen. She was indeed a happy girl. She looked no younger than fifteen.' ...Err...think you need to make this bit more legible for the idiots, that is, use more common words. For example, that part about her eyes: you could say 'Her grey eyes displayed a blissful soul'. Don't throw in the skin part because that has nothing to do with her eyes. Also, from the description, this girl is already getting suspicious. Then again, I personally hate descriptions. And I don't suggest you make things definite (that is, cut out words like 'indeed') - Jet doesn't know her that well, and if you make things so definite, that already suggests a Mary Sue.

~Here we go...WHY AMBLE?!

~...'She smiled and waved her hand farewell with gratitude.' ...Just say 'waved farewell', or it sounds like she's saying goodbye to her hand.

~...So anyone that has a dagger on their belt is a warrior? What happened to swords, spears, sabres, staffs, etc?

~...'Her eyes shimmering with acceptance for what she was.' ...No, really, we don't need to know.

~See above on note on No One's POV.

~...'Little did they know she was what would lead to their forest's demise'...Where's the full stop? This could have been included in the last scene, you know. It's a little pointless to have a point of view one line long.

~...'She was good at listening, she was good at tracking. Seeing that she could not speak she spoke with her eyes. She's often smile as a sign of gratitude or acceptance with bliss shimmering in her eyes. We offered her to join us and she accepted. However, we knew she could not stay. She gave us a message that she'd have to leave soon and her staying was only a sign of gratitude. It was her compensation to us.' ...Another thing about Mary Sue is that someone else's POV is being used to display how good the Sue is, and that's what's happening up the top there. If you must say how good she is, make it subtle, at least.

~...'I felt she grew an attachment to me when she stayed longer than she had promised.' ...It's meant to be 'I felt her grow...'

~...So you didn't make her some exceptional fighter, but she still has Mary Sue elements. She's good at exactly what they need. She's better at tracking than them, who actually need the skill...this is getting out of hand...

~...'Xiaoming nodded her head to conclude her absolute answer.' ...Just say she nodded!

~...'"I only want the girl and me to do battle..."...Choose: 'blahblahblah to do the fighting' or 'blahblahblah and me to battle'...

~...'My home, my beloveds, all gone.' I don't think 'beloveds' is a word...

~...'Xiaoming was the key to why this happened and a traitor is to die by my hands. Though, I knew my anger rested mainly on Shing.' ...The 'is' is present tense, which is a BIG no-no. And again, the second one is an incomplete sentence.

~...Yes, beautiful eyes...We KNOW Xiaoming is pretty and everything. Mary Sue can be a very minor character and still annoy the living (and dead) daylights out of readers. Sometimes they can make the story better, or add some kind of explanation, but even that depends on where you put the her. Well, throwing Xiaoming in right in the first chapter isn't good positioning, because now readers will have the bad impression in their heads. Yes, she loved everything, tried to protect everything...we KNOW...

~...'Xiaoming's dagger raised above her head and tears in her eyes. Shing's sword presented out in front of himself.'...Incomplete sentences.

~...'She pulled at her kimono to see the blood-spattered cloth.' ...Xiaoming is a Chinese name, because Japanese does not use the letter 'x' in their romanization. However, 'kimono' IS Japanese. The traditional Chinese clothing is called 'hanfu', although not many people know about it. Go check it up on Wikipedia, and yes, those few pages ARE reliable.

~...' Xiaoming's poor swordsmanship did not suffice to where she needed to stab.' ...This sentence is weird. 'Dumb it down!' Keep It Simple, Stupid (no offence, but it's a cool thing, the KISS principle)!

~...'Falling to his knees too and holding her upright by her shoulders.' ...Incomplete sentence.

~...'Jet came running in as Xiaoming lie still in a pool of her own blood.' ...I believe that 'lie' is present tense. Boo. No present tense.

~...'"Xia..."'...It's not like you really need to know this, but in the real pronunciation of 'Xiaoming', it would usually be 'Xiao...'...And anyway, in Chinese, they usually don't trail off halfway. They trail off when they finish saying the name.

~...'She was still breathing but she looked so still and tired.' ...Don't use words like 'so', because that's like inserting you into the story, since it's no one's point of view.

~...'Her eyes portrayed the words;

This isn't fair...Why?...Why do only you get to live? Why only you?'

Don't split sentences in half and put them onto two lines just to start new lines when characters speak/think/whatever!

~...'She said with her eyes;

Live.'...See above.

~...'Finally, as Shing stood up and looked at Jet Xiaoming passed away.'...Comma between Jet and Xiaoming.

~...'A few weeks later I was off to Ba-Sing-Sai. Only to find my death was there.' ...Consider: 'A few weeks later I was off to Ba-Sing-Sai, only to find my death there.'

~...'Kismet plotted against us, and kismet was what killed us. Kismet is what will save this world.' ...Kismet sounds like a name...well, names have capital letters. Unless you're implying that he/she/it isn't good enough for one!

Yay, glad you're writing Avatar again. I personally don't think the name Xiaoming is original enough, though.

OMG!Someone who likes Blood+ and Avatar! Like me! This fanfiction is very interesting. But I think you should make I Feel Mortal you're top priority.

Update soon on I Feel Mortal...

Dramafreak0~