LOL thats your old stuff LOL it amazing better then i am now lol XD i realy liked that well done be cool to see the next bit :)

This is certainly better, but I'm still very confused as to why you even posted the unedited version if you were going to post the finished/edited version anyway. You should have expected some critiquing of the unedited version if you posted it, whether you explained that it was unedited or not.

The writing is definitely better. Cute story, too. The characters seem pretty in place.

Very nice, yes, very nice. Good, good.

Critique time (what else is new? In reply, not much!)
"Snuggling up to her he looked up at her with wide, eager eyes."
The repitition of the word "up" seems unnecessary, if only making the statement a bit awkward to repeat.

I'm guessing that the plot is a little slim for this story a-purpose? If the plot was meant to be more... deep, then perhaps multiple chapters would have been the way to go, but, I must say, /large improvement/. :)

The language the characters used connected with their age and position, which was a good thing to see.

Hmm... not much else to say, seeing as I must be going, but, 'appy writing!

-Zealak Silverdirk

I have to agree with everything Zealak Silverdirk wrote in the first review I'm afraid. Personal lives should be kept out of a disclaimer.

And the story was rushed. I know you wrote it a while ago, but maybe you could have reread through it or rewritten parts of it to make it more believable. The spelling was off in places, too.

It was an okay story, but it could have been longer.

And to the other reviewers, Zealak Silverdirk was NOT flaming. And neither am I. We're just pointing out the mistakes. The fact that such an act is considered rude anymore is completely ludicrous.

That ** Zealak Silverdirk has no right to flame this. Great job on this fiction, even if there are a few errors. Griffin rules!

Hey Toboe! the story's really cute! stupid flamers. don't listen. I can't believe you wrote this when you were 13...my writing was horrible then (it's still bad, but oh well)- awesome job! lvs , Kisa

Hm, I have to agree with Zealak. The story was rushed, and you did spell some names wrong. Yeah, it was rushed, nut don't worry! Keep writing and it will get better.

I should probably say that your disclaimer has nothing to do with the point of a disclaimer. It would be best if you kept your personal life to yourself (I'm not being mean or cruel, it's just better if you used the disclaimer the way you're supposed to).
Note: Firewing is not the last Silverwing book. There is Darkwing, and then Moonwing, although neither have been released.

You really need to check your spelling and typos. it's MARINA, not Maria. It's also not Nocturnia, it's NOCTURNA.
Rowan, Skye and Falstaff would /never/ say that out loud. It's completely out of character, even for them.
Underlining words in the story does not replace italics.
Ironbeak is a Redwall character's name (just had to say that).
Your story is far too rushed. Pacing is an issue here. Please take the time to give the characters better depth, even if they are not your own.

"What he saw made him want to wet himself."
That is both immature and completely illogical.

This story would be alright if you had done a re-reading and tried to rephrase your story, draw it out, paint a picture in your reader's minds of the tale.

I mean not to be discouraging (unfortunately, it's a habit), so don't give up on your writing, just do some reading of some books and get the general pieces and concepts of a novel and writing one.

I promise you, your stories will improve with time, so don't give up. :)

~*Zealak Silverdirk*~