  CoverGirlxx
2009-01-20 . chapter 1 Hey, I've read up to chapter seven a while ago and just read eight and nine now. I'm surprised I hadn't reviewed this earlier! I really, really, like it! It definitely keeps y attention and holding my breath at the intense parts. Congrats! I'm a tough critic. Haha! There are a few spelling and grammar mistakes (which I'm a freak over, trust me. It annoys my friends.), but I decided to look over them, taking the plotline into consideration.
I'm going to add this to my story alerts, and I'm on the fence for a favourite! I've had this account for a while and only have one favourite, so that's a huge deal. Not to sound cocky or anything. Haha! Please update soon and make my mind up for me. :D
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CoverGirlxx |
  NightMary
2008-08-02 . chapter 1I read a few sentences of this story's first chapter. At first, despite the summary that I felt was a good sign of quality for this story, more than a few mistakes in the story made me wince enough that I was tempted to turn to the Back button. And I did.
Fortunately, I read the summary once more, and, after deciding to focus on the good intentions behind the mistakes, I read the entire chapter. Just so you know, and I'm not trying to make myself look mean or rude, but I usually can't look past bad mistakes in writing long enough to even try to understand the potential of a story. Not hat I'm saying that you ought to be honored. I'm just stating that I usually don't do this sort of looking-past-the-mistakes deal too often.
I read the first chapter, as I've already said, so this is what I have to say.
Your characterizations were great, the plot seems as though it had a great foundation laid for it, I did not feel jerked about too much in your storytelling- something hard to accomplish in a first person present tense story, so good show!- and I feel a genuine desire to read more of this once I get the chance to again.
Now, don't be getting all full of yourself- I have some genuine problems to discuss with you as well.
The grammar in this chapter is a little hairy and scary at times, I fear that you may not have re-read this chapter once you were finished with it, and I think quite a lot of room-hogging things could have been trimmed from this story to give it a more enjoyable reading experience. I decided to say "trimming the fat" because if I were to go into the specifics, this would likely look more like an essay!
Alright, so we can be able to understand each other on a similar wavelength, here's an excerpt of your work:
'“Money speaks louder than actions.” Eyes shifted from their papers towards the middle aged man; he was at it again. I watch silently as he continued with his daily rantings, “...All of you know that, if it weren't true none of us would be sitting here now would be?”'
Now for my comments-
I love how you opened with dialog. It enabled me to see that you have a good idea of how a story can be set up well, and I have also gotten a good feel for the narrator as well as the man speaking because of the technique you have used for the beginning. However (ain't there always one?) as I have noticed, on giving the chapter a good second read, you are in love with the ; key.
At places, it seems ill placed, which jerks me out of the narrative or the action taking place. In this passage's case, I believe a period would have fit well without feeling awkward. Less in a sentence is more. Also, when you grow an intense liking for things that make a reader read on and on (a comma, most usually) what happens is that it starts to feel uncomfortable to read. And why is that?
Well, it is a bit difficult to describe, but imagine that you are reading your things aloud. If you start to feel as though you'd be running out of breath (one... long... sentence... after... another!) then it more likely than not will feel unnatural. Especially when it is a part of dialog or part of a narrative- ESPECIALLY if it is someone who is not inclined to speak in long speeches or talk insanely fast.
Second, some of your tenses were wrong. Instead of "continued" when speaking in the present tense (I'm speaking like my old English teacher now, haw haw) you should use "continues".
You also need some commas in there, friend. More specifically, near the end of that passage, like this: "...if it weren't true, none of us would be sitting here, now, would be?"
Also- this one is easy with a re-read and/or a spellcheck, and that is that you messed a few words up. In the passage I have used, it is be as opposed to we that is the culprit.
Alright, I'm done with my pointer (*snaps it in half*) and you are allowed out to recess now. One last word, however, and that is if you feel as though you're in over your head, and when you re-read a chapter of your stuff and you feel as though you can't pick out all of the mistakes by yourself, you should go out and hunt down a beta who specializes in the old read over and correct song and dance. And hold onto that person like he's a life raft and the Titanic's going down! |
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