  Robyn
2009-07-08 . chapter 8 HURRY UP AND WRITE THE REST!
Sorry, ordinarily I don't do the all-caps thing, but this is getting *good.*
Okay, a bit of criticism - "Aught," is incorrect. It should be spelled, "ought."
The descriptions of the fights are very well executed and vivid. I got a strong sense of what was going on, and wasn't the least bit confused.
Even for Michaelangelo, you shouldn't use multiple exclamation points or question marks. Unfortunately, the use of multiples like that tend to make people think of badly written emails from young people. A single exclamation would work better, read better, and give a better all around impression. If you have someone terribly startled, using ?! is acceptable, since it's an indication of an excited question. Otherwise, avoiding multiple points is the best way to go.
I love your characterization of Raphael. You don't make him a total evil jerk, but you do a good job showing him as a multi-dimensional character. Good job on April, too.
Right now, the other characters are a little bit flat, because they're in the background, but throwing in some extra dialogue or small scenes showing them doing something ordinary or contrary to their sterotypes might help round them out. Think about how you did April coming home with the bags of groceries. It's a mundane thing, but it shows how she reacts to simple situations. For the others, one scene with them chatting about a ball game or something akin to it would show them a little more fleshed out. It doesn't have to be big, but you want people to get the sense that the people in the background are people, too, and not just stick figures holding the place.
Leo and Raph are a lot more cordial in this story than in most, and I appreciate it, because they're not always out to kill each other. Again, that shows a roundness, rather than a static frame, for the characters. Good job!
Concerning the last passage, where Leo is leaving to go to his own room, before Raph and April trade cryptic phrases about prayer, you might want to have Leo say something about why he's leaving. The way you've characterized him, he doesn't seem the type to just up and leave for his room, without saying something, giving a parting shot, saying, "Excuse me," something. Right now, it's too convinent that he left that way. Maybe a touch more dialogue between him and his brother would make it flow better.
Finally, I have a suggestion that I give to everyone - after you write something, read it, then read it out loud. That's important. When you read something out loud, you can hear where there are awkward spots. You don't have very many, but it might help for you to read everything out loud and see if there are phrases that sound wonky rolling off your tongue. From there, it's easier to fix a line.
Excellent job and I'm *anxious* to read the next part! |
  soaringphoenix86
2009-01-13 . chapter 8Welcome back! I was hoping that you hadn't given up on this story, and it seems that my patience has paid off! :)
LOL, Raph never could take being teased and April seems to have a knack for it. Although, it will be fun to see how far Raphael tries to take the tough guy act in the future, especially around his brothers. I did think that the little "alone time" at the end was pretty sweet. Moments like those are definitely a rare commodity with 3 brothers and sensei so close by.
What is going on with April's flower? It's a map Honshu? Why does it only react to April and not to anyone else? I guess I'll have to wait to find that out, huh?!
What is happening to Casey? Who is this Yamato that the ominous voice is looking for? Casey's other? That wouldn't be his skull-bashing buddy Raph would it? Or is it saying his OTHER half, April? Either way, it will be interesting to see how things play out in the future! ^_^
Fantastic update! I can't wait to see what happens next! See you at the next installment! Faithfully, soaringphoenix86 |
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