Well...

Just a suggestion Benji-san...

maybe if you want to decided to re-write this fic, you could use Code Geass season 1 as reference. There are interaction between princess and knight there so relationship between people like

ex: Gilbert Guilford and Cornelia or Suzaku and Euphemia would be a good reference for how Benji and Ayeka relationship would be. I'll be online this saturday as usual, so we could talk more about this.

Still, your Outcast Lost Writer story is still the best compare this one to be honest. Thanks!

You need to be corrected here:

'In many mangas and animes the term "Sakki" has been used. and as far as I know it means "intent to kill". Its like hitting you with hatred or just illwill. in Hajime no Ippo, they can throw fake punches that look real by using sakki. Making the opponent guard at the wrong place. In Bleach they use the term Reiryouku=spirit pressure. And its basically the same thing as sakki. strongwilled people concentrate on hatred or something to make weakwilled people back down.

The strongest the man-the strongest the spirit. Shanks is without doubt a strong guy so when he is serious the weak can´t be near him, it´s a little like Ki or Reiatsu, for example when the Dragon Ball characters saw Freeza for the first time, they couldn´t move just by the strength of his Ki

The same happens in the real world: there was this boxer(don´t remember the name) who fought Muhammad Ally, but he said that the time he saw Bruce Lee for the first time(they were just greeting each other in a martial arts convention) he felt an strange fear, the feeling was just, "how can I match up against a guy like that"; we really don’t know Bruce Lee true strength but there were a lot of men who shaked their legs just by looking into his eyes.'

So not also did you steal a term from bleach and claim it as your own but also you didn't bother to know how 'Reiryouku' was used, its not superhuman enhancement but about the power of intimidation so you wrote it out very incorrect.

Do your research better.

I hate to be another passing reader who leaves a comment regarding the faults of the story but I feel that you have some serious issues you need to tackle, for it is a shame that a story with so many words written has produced a tale with so little progress of plot, creativity and character, the concept also is faltered.

The first thing you need to tackle is the morality of the character and how one's actions are seen as, acceptable or barbaric. Unfortunely for you it has to be agreed with many who posted their comments is that they story has run into a dead end because of what benji has done. Convincing another character of his actions is one thing, convincing an audiance is a different matter altogther.

I am somewhat lost how soliders, trained in combat can lose to this kid, yes tenchi is a 'kid' but he was no way near like benji was, so overthetop and over dramatic. There is heavy emphasis on a woman's body then there is of the character as well. The senseability of some events of Benji's role in the school sounds like a cheap B movie film about your typical overthe top Yank defending the 'lost vaules' Focusing on the wrong parts in regards to Yuko is what make her such a shallow character. I believe personally, that your story is caught between trying to be a story and flirting the possbility of benji being a stud. Niether are working and benji's lack of character mystifies me in how can this guy be able to socialise so well with Ayeka. benji is a vague person, too vague to be intresting.

As for your profile and self format for your text, you should know by now its not going to work, espacilly when you don't include them into the story in the first place. Also, as for your profile, you might as well write something intresting, given the 'hide bio' option, I doubt many people wopuld bother reading your reasons for so and so (I didn't because after so many written stories you should have an idea how to write)

One thing that caught my attention, just where are Rogue15, RPFarseer, ranma hibiki, DerektheRogue...all those who reviewed your last Tenchi story: Outcast saga: Tenchiverse

Only Ryokos Bro reviewed chapter 1 but has remained silent ever since the 'other' comments started coming in on this story. I think you need to ask yourself if their reviews matter to you if they can't even be bothered to pop down to support this story. Personally there isn't much that can be supported about this story given it is flawed in its structure but they should be here to comment and offer their support as they appered to be good friends to you before.

Personally if someone like Ryokos Bro makes only one comment on this story but is put off by a negative streak recived then I should ask if he or she should still have the right to useing my character for their story. In this case, ryokos bro useing Benji for his or her story whilst offering you the smallest of all constructive feedback ie: well done my friend, bit long for the first chapter but very well done hope to see an update soon :)

And that is all Ryoko bothers to say and two chapters later...

I won't dictate you on your friends or who reviews you should rate more on but if you have someone who wants to loan your character then you would expect them to show some time reading and reviewing your works considering that you have commented more on ryokos bro 'The five faces of grief' then he or she has on yours.

Hello,

I love the concept behind this story. It's great. However, the little fact that you don't write English very well has crippled it in the quality department.

If you require a beta reader, just somebody to read through what is written by you and "clean it up" so to speak, my services are available.

Respectfully,
Captain Kurt Hoffman

I'm going to agree with GoldenBanana in that, I think you have what it takes to produce a great story, you have moments of creative thoughts but ironically it is torn apart by yourself: Benji.

I will state this, regardless on what you said on your proile, if those who don't like it then don't review, then i must tell you that the review system is there for anyone to review whatever they see. And unless 'they say OMGusuck!' Then any reivew should be accounted for as long as they make their point. I like to think you would accept this and while it won't be what you hope to hear, it does have its points:

Benji is a character that is undoing the story, his actions and lack of character plummet the story in its plot and intrest. There is no reason to reduce characters to second role because of benji. Benji's relationship with aeka is not love but lust, there's a false creation of romance and looks quite shallow.

The idea that benji has jurain blood is not also just mentioned once but is seen as a clear attempt to 'replace' tenchi, I find that incredibly offensive to Tenchi, he is an important character, try not to clone him.

There has been issues about his powers and i have to agree, why is it that someone so powerful hand to hand would need a sword? The jurain ship has jurain guards with sticks for weapons, in Tenchi Universe, jurai is actually quite a pacfist state given the use of non lethal weaponary mostly (with exception to the ship weaponary)

Plotwise, this story is done for, what benji has done would not be tolerated by anyone, he killed five soliders, by right the rest of the soliders would intercept Benji because he's dangerous. By killing more of them he is just proving their point and immeditely benji becomes a figure unsuitable to be in society.

The car accident past i find personally distatseful. I have a friend who was and still is a marthon runner, a fit abled young woman who one day was involved in a car accident. The trauma she went through and the help needed to overcome the fear and injuries and have the courage to drive was immense. And not because she was a SHE, but because the accident was serious and that being in a car accident can harm you mentally and physically. This dosen't happen to Benji, expt he underwent a form of 'handsome hero in peaceful coma' with a mind that isn't too dearranged for him to know how to fight and such.

There is a lot of flaws regarding Benji and his 'sidekick' Yuko but other then their skin deep in character pretty much sums it up.

Your writing is well and i believe you can write a good tenchi story BUT this 'Benji' and Yuko are like people offering help when not not wanted and help when not wanted turns out to be no help at all.

Can you do better? I think you can but a self insert has done nothing for your story or for your ideas, the irony is that you have ideas but ideas regarding yourself are putting this story down as everyone wants to read the ideas of tenchi and not Benji.

...excuse me, aeka felt what Benji did was right after what he did?! A thousand words afterwards, most of it about how everyone should be grateful for what Benji did and Aeka apolgises? What world are you living on? Its all happy ever after and that the deaths have no real long lasting impact. I fail to see the logic that the gang would tow someone who butchered everyone in sight. The story isn't about Aeka, the summary and the character setting of the story says 'aeka' but from the furst chapter, this benji takes first place. A character of terrible creativity who has no purpose but to have a ** with the girls and i mean that.

Then he becomes superman and defeats a 4 arm alien?

At this point this shows how little imagation you currently posses. You write a lot of words, I think you can come up writing something a lot better then this.

There are so many faults as stated by others and i get the impression that the speed of the update of chapter 3 was in responce to the critcsim of chapter II. It hasn't work.

The excuse given was faulted and how can Aeka regain public confidence at this stage? Not also in Universe storyline is she seen as a traitor but at this very moment, has with her, a guy who has been on a mirderous rampage. i say murderous because the rest of the sixty wern't with the five that attacked benji. They had nothing to do with it, never threatened Yuko at all.

Soliders who were killed by a guy who could defeat a 4 arm alien WITHOUT a sword. Does that sound strange to you? It very well does to me. Aeka has turned from traitor to assisting a terroist.

I know you plan to add on more but at this stage the plot appears to be dead because of the glaring plot holes. Good writing but terrible structure and thinking.

A word of advice: Be creative, you claim you are but far from it, you write a less then realistic scenario of beji living an 'ordinary life' about how he and Yuko had to go to an anime convention.

First off: Simply turning up at a convention does not work like that, tickets have to be brought online. OTHER things occur other then anime, celebrity signings, merchandise, talks and even concerts. This is very naive and badly written. You just have benji come and go.

I had to laugh though that Yuko and co were targets of rapists because of 'foriegn heritage' and how benji is a 'guradian'

As for the battle with jurain guards, its messy and silly.

How can someone like youself who writes well incoporate elements of ignorance and arrogance?

What made you think that any of this was creative and aspiring? It was a bad chapter from start to finish, Aeka is certinely not a highlight but how much she can *suck* to Benji, why the suggestive ** and lack of plot.

There is no reason as to why nagi has been changed, was it because you can't handle the fact that if you didn't that she would had rejected benji full stop? Most likely.

This is a terrible adaption of tenchi universe, you have terribly designed 'secondary' characters such as yuko who is non existant and treat themselves as the primary characters and as many have said before, the story in theory is finished now that you have Benji 'killer of 60' jurains accompying with them. Knowing the logic of this story I'm sure the victims families and friends will forget it all the next day.

Writing perfectly is not easy, we all make mistakes, contradticons etc and your is good, not perfect but good enough. However you do no favours by saying
'But I'm Brazilian and therefore english isn't my first' etc

That excuse dosen't wash when you have written 33 stories, by then you must be confident enough to say you can write well and that you don't need 'self made' just so you can bypass the challenge of writing an effective story.

Its clear this story isn't a favourite to many, those who reviewed your story on your other works in a postive manner do not know how a story works. There is nothing creative about writing an unreal character, and that you need to research things more. One advice i can reccomend you is to go to an actual martial arts class, be it boxing ju jitsu etc and you will learn just how difficult 'hand to hand' combat can be.

You must also do your research regarding events in Tenchi Universe, rewriting nagi and changeing the location of the Tenchi cast who were on a Jurain outpost to a ship next to earth just to bring in Benji is sloppy. In fact you are butchering the story and disrepecting the series but also you are putting yourself in a prison. Locking away your creativity and letting poor planning run rampant.

You have written a lot of stories, that shows you have the will to write but you must write with reasoning and understanding, in thought of what happened before, now and what will happen. You must face facts, a self created character like benji on this scale is not drawing the audiance you wanted. Nor is it actually fanfiction when you reduce Tenchi characters to a supporting role and throw away the background of their universe. You can do better and you will have to because you must accept the fact that this is an unlikeable story. Both in its context, silliness and the ignorance that benji goes through. In terms of the story so far, it has ended, what Benji has done has doomed the tenchi cast.

There is no other way around this, you'll have to accept that the people who reviewed have a point, a very good one for that. Benji has no place in tenchi, nor is he a good character unless radically designed. Writers have better things to write about then themselves, your not testing yourself if you produce a story with a guy who is yourself and can solve anything (mainly with violence) If you cannot create an orignal character, or fail to write a story regarding soley the tenchi cast or another series entirely then you are doomed to limiting yourself and that you are showing to others that you are not serious about useing your imagination. Everyone is being honest and truthful. Not one review has insulted you here, take that into consideration and begin again anew.

On the good side, your technical writing skills and mastery of English have improved markedly since your early stories. You still have some way to go, but so does everyone else. (That includes me.)

On the bad side, in literary terms, you're stuck in a rut. I know you don't want to read this, but sooner or later you're going to have to face reality.

There is a very good reason why self-insertion is a largely despised genre: It's a prison for the author. Putting yourself in your story has a powerful constraining effect on what you will do in your story. Really top-notch writers can overcome this, but really top-notch writers typically have better things to write about to begin with.

If you're serious about setting your imagination free, then you have to throw off your shackles. You have to swallow your pride and write a story that is not about Benji Himura. You'll find it difficult, but you'll also find it liberating. If you are not willing to do this, then I can only assume that you are not serious about setting your imagination free.

I hope to one day read a great story by Benji Himura. But right now, that day seems a long way off.

I can only assume this is a form of comedy only it takes itself too seriously, or benji takes himself too seriously. The absurdity of this character is what makes this laughable.

Is this story dead? Maybe it should be, by all things storywise, this benji has made Aeka look bad to the eyes of many and has effectively killed of her chance of becomming Queen. Nothing you can put in chapter 4 can change that. Its incredible how you can shrug the 'consequence' regarding what benji did. Its never mentioned again or bothers anyone that he killed sixty people. I mean its not like they have families or lives of their own is it?

Benji is a very shallow character, no doubt about that, uncreative in power and at fault over the arguments you give him. How can you write so much without considering how moronic this character is? Even if it was intended, it was a very dull read and faulted in its plot.

Just because the third OVA of Tenchi muyo became one dimensional dosen't mean that you should make your story equally so, nobody liked the 3rd ova and nobody is eally likeing this. If you can't write a story regarding the Tenchi cast and not have the plot focused on them then what are you writing. Unleash your imagniation by all means but your writing fanfiction and that's about taking priority to the characters. And what is so imaginative about a powerful self inserted character with a 'mysterious past' anyway? If you can't write about Tenchi or anything relevent to the series then you shouldn't be posting here. Harsh but true.

This is one of the most terrible stories I have ever come across, i won't disguise the fact I found it unbearable simply because of the lack of character and common sense in this story If any).

This story needs a rewrite badly, the character benji needs a rewrite. Badly.

How can you be creative when you make yourself to an almighty being of martial arts and self justification for anything?! Well done, benji has totally screwed Ayeka's chances to the crown by what he did.

And what the hell have you done to nagi? I find those that drastically change a character do so because they lack the creative will to build on that character.

So...to sum up this fic so far...

Benji- I'm awesome.

Everyone else in the universe- u r so awesome!11!11

Jurain army- *dies*

Aeka- lololol lol! yay 4 massacres!! u r so awesome!1!

Benji- I know. ^_^

Benji's angst- taa-dah! You are now a martial arts butt kicking bad a$$...

Benji- Score! Even my angst is awesome. ^_^

THE END

Me- =_= ... *snore*

S.I.s are kinda boring Benji. Especially awesome ones. Why not write yourself as...yourself? You know, the guy who is just normal and can't do a damn thing about it. An ordinary person in extra-ordinary circumstances. Someone who doesn't get the girls or the glory but still prevails and helps save the day in their own normal non-butt kicking non-martial arts non-bad a$$ way. Now that would be an interesting challenge to unleashing that imagination you previously mentioned...

I also agree with the others about the summary. It's very mis-leading. And disappointing. Please change it.

*off to find an Aeka-centered fic with its actual focus on Aeka*