Wohoo you posted. I think it's quite good. Perhaps you should just leave it be and look at it when your muse returns from her vacation.
...a sound of panic sticks in his throat and he pushes the sheet aside... - Uh I like that.
But he always survives it. Always. - I'll just steal that line, now that you've posted :)

Wow this was amazing. Nude cap Jack, yay!