Better, more detail than I remember. One thing though, you had Fang mention directly that one year had passed, so you didn't need to put a time lapse notice.
Sorry I didn't review the last chapter, been a bit busy. Anyway, both chapters were good, I really liked the stories you gave all the wolves. It makes F.F.F that much more interesting, you know? But man, I didn't catch any of those jokes... I'm so unobservant. And the end seemed fine to me, not rushed or anything like that. A little more detail about the wolves meeting the pack might have been nice, but it's still good.
_ yay! i liked it. the ending was kewl. x) heh, i like the last quote by Holly Near. ooh, can i put it in my profile? it is so true, too. i always wondered about that when i was doing my essay on the death penalty. i sided with prodeathpenalty but i'm completely against it. dunno why. heh
"It has been a few months since my capture, and I wanted out…badly."
Just the one sentence I found where the tenses change incorrectly. Besides that, marvelous improvement.
:D Hooray for colorful detail! This chapter is by far your best one; it describes more than just the big picture, but the toils that Splotch went through to escape that zoo. I see you put forth way more time and effort into writing this one, and for that, I congratulate you.
I figure that I've probably given you enough critisism for one story. :)
I have to say; I like the names you come up with. Russac was my favorite one, but I also think it's cool how you based many names of off countries, especially Canada. It's good to see people who are proud of their nationality. Hey; Canada's responsible for some of my favorite people! Jim Carrey, Colin Mochrie, and Bryan Adams.
And thanks a lot for mentioning me in your Author's Note. ] I'm glad to hear that you're rewriting the story; let me know when it's done! I'll even proofread it, if you want me to.
I liked the chapter. Sttll, I admit that some things confused me.
Mainly, I was wondering how Splotch knew how to read. That just seems weird to me. I could understand that better if Splotch was really human, but I know she isn't.
I questioned why it took so long for the tranquilizer dart to work. You ansewred it as time went on, though.
Oh, the last line doesn't need to be capitallzed, like the title.
I hope I'm not sounding nitpicky. Those things came to mind while I was reading. I still liked it!
As for your jokes, I didn't catch them until you explained them. They were interesting.
Well, I certainly think you pulled off the teenager thing...what a brat!
I'm glad to see that you're trying to give each of the wolves different personalities. A common rookie mistake is when a writer basically makes all of their characters clones of one another. But I think you may have tried too hard; many writers try to make colorful characters by making them as stereotyped as they can. One comic, one depressed, one ditzy...you see what I mean? You can make your characters interesting and varied without having to resort to stereotypes.
But since you were indeed going for the female adolescent attitude, here's my opinion. Kind of like how I mentioned earlier about giving animals human traits, you made Blizzard into a typical HUMAN teen, but why would a wolf know what a nosejob is? (That made me laugh, by the way. God forbid Ganon should catch a cold...XD) And unless this is a California wolf, all of the "likes" are unnecessary and kind of silly.
...I'm actually FROM California, so I pretty much dissed myself. XD
Anyways, think about what a wolf adolescent would REALLY be thinking. A wolf at her age would probably be learning to hunt, so you can build off of that. It is also when wolves decide whether to stay with their pack, or to venture out somewhere else. They also first reach sexual maturity around that time (but since this story is only rated T, um, ahem), so she'll be wanting to find a mate. That single notion goes with your mention of her interest in Russac. See?
Many of the things I mentioned in my last review I have seen repeated in this chapter. Changing tenses, run off sentences, lack of detail and the like. How did Blizzard get so cozy with the rest of the pack? Again, juicy details are really important!
Also, I have to point this out; you made an obvious allusion to "Ghostbusters." I seriously doubt that anyone in Hyrule, wolf or not, have EVER heard of Ghostbusters. It's hard to write about a place where many things we understand could not be comprehended there, but try to avoid adding references to modern things you would never find in Hyrule. Although I do admit; the "Ganonbusters" thing made me smile. :) I suddenly pictured Link wearing one of those khaki suits and confronting Ganon with a laser. XD
I do hope that you will consider everything I've said, because I put quite a bit of effort into giving these reviews. I'm glad to see that you appreciated my comments enough to ask for more reviews, so thanks! You've won me over; a critical, yet dilligent reader.
If you still want me to, I will most certainly read your last chapter and review like you asked. Enjoy the remainder of your day.
I notice that throughout your chapters, you tend to change tenses randomly. Watch out for that; don't go from "I couldn’t sleep, the commander’s words were echoing in my head." to
"You see, I’m not a normal dog." Even if the character is having an internal monologue, it makes more sense to keep all of your sentences in the same time frame, unless you're purposely changing tenses for the story.
Also, I see too many run-on sentences. Same example as above; "I couldn’t sleep, the commander’s words were echoing in my head." It's sloppy to put togther two completely different sentences into one. It would have been better to separate the two sentences with either a semi-colon ( ; ), or a period to make two sentences.
I was hoping to read a little more detail about things in general, like Russac's life in the military. I actually thought it was a really interesting concept; using wolves as war animals, and I wanted to know a little more about it. But I can't think of a nicer way to put it; your paragraphs lack details. You make your points clear enough to where the reader knows exactly what's going on, but there's no added color. You pointed out that Russac's life in the army was miserable, but that was basically it. I think you should try writing a more fleshed out day in that life so that the reader really gets a taste of how miserable Russ was in his army days. What exactly happened to the poor wolf while he was being tortured? How did it affect his preformance? And how do the soldiers and wolves work together during combat? Do they communicate in some way? How are the war dogs trained?
Same with Russac's meeting with Link. you mentioned that he overheard Link talking with the kids. Well, what did they say? And WHY did Russac find this man so interesting?
It also throws me off a little bit when the character suddenly speaks to the reader. For example, "We were in war with Termina you see, and I was one of the many war-dogs in the Holodrum army." Is the wolf actually speaking to somebody as he tells the story? Or is he internally reminiscing his past? If the second one is true, then I think you should avoid having your characters refer to the reader in such a casual manner. If the first is true, then you're fine; but try to make the references subtle so that they don't interfere too much in what you're trying to say.
Try not to use two advectives that mean the same thing. For example: "I was scared and terrified..." Using both "scared" and "terrified" is rather unnecessary; just use whichever flows better.
Please don't take my critisism personally! And don't think I hate your story; I actually think there is a LOT more you can do with it, if you're willing to keep it going. I'll continue to give you reviews as you ask, but remember; you'll get my honest opinion every time.
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