  ObsessiveCamilla 8/29/07 . chapter 20 Sorry, but I'm too lazy to log in..
I think this was an interesting and realistic story (as far as Harry Potter fanfiction goes), with nice twists and a good plot. I especially like how you portrayed Severus as being not all flowers and bunnies in the way he felt towards Persephone, because I very much doubt that he would feel that way - pure, unquestionable love, at least not so soon and sudden. He's got too much darkness for that, I think. Very nicely done.
You also use proper grammar and that's just always much more professional, and much nicer to read.
Now, her name is kind of cliché and not the first time used as the name of a Severus-dating OC, but on the other hand, it fits so goddamn well, doesn't it? ;) And JK uses a lot of names on her characters who's original owers have life stories and/or qualities similiar to that of her character, so what the heck.
You have a natural talent at describing and writing all in all. I found a few mistakes here and there but it was by far one of the better SS/OC stories I've read, and it's kind of my favourite ship so believe me when I say that I've read a lot.
The sex was really hot but not grossly, perversly written, you know, like (WARNING KIDS, DIRTY LANGUAGE! ;)) "she sucked on his cock", stuff like that. Maybe some people think that's hot but I much more appriciate well-written, beautiful, dark and hot lovemaking the way you wrote it. So, way to go girl!
About the plot... I kind of saw it all coming. I, for a few horrific moments, suspected that it would actually be Treacher that was the bad guy, in which case it would have been just annoyingly obvious through the entire story. But you gave it a nice twist, though I suspected something like this since the whole Treacher thing was just too plain. That Severus came back.. thank goodness. Another version on his survival, and a very good one too. I'm telling you, I would've been very cross with you if the story ended with his death! ;) I got really releaved when he came back and it ended all cutely. Ahh. I just love sweet endings.
Just one question. Why did you name Severus son Albus? Have you not read the "nineteen years later" thing in the seventh book? In case you really haven't, which would surprise me, do not read further. I don't understand why you would kill and then bring Severus back to life if you hadnt' read the seventh one. But Harry's son is called that too, right? That might get a bit confusing if they actually went to school together. I thought first that the Albus their daughter was talking about actually was Harry's son, so I got a little confused, lolz.
Okay, end of the lecture. Very good story, I enjoyed it! (a little too much, I was so wrapped up I got too minutes late for school. Which isnt that much, but still. )Keep up the good work and keep writing!
Hugs, Camilla |
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