heey i dont know you and you neither know me

-ARE you still alive or are you dead

like

-the collector of data-

-bra1n1ac-

said you desperatly need some help out there

...

...hm you seem dead like i thougt

This story just needs help, so here I am to help you. The first thing one must remember is that the reader does not have a mental picture of the story in their head like you do, and therefore, it is neccesary to dive headlong into countless descriptive terms. For example,

"Lucca pushed her thick horn-rimmed glasses up onto her nose, and looked back at her two companions who were surveying the sudden change in the scenery."

See? Description. Also, you rushed it. Don't rush a story. Slow down and take your time. Write your story as though you are sending it in for publication.

Third, I noticed some plot inconsistencies. Don't write a fanfiction unless you fully understand the world you are depicting, otherwise it will be less enjoyable to read.

The last tip I have to give is about developing character dialogue. One doesn't just have each character say what the author would say. You have to sit down and think about each line. Close your eyes and picture in your imagination that you really are a boy with electric powers in the middle ages, and you really are fighting monsters with your super-babe and super-nerd friends. What would you say if you were that person. I'll show you what it would sound like.

"I swear..." Crono commented to himself, "these monsters get weaker every day."

"What a minute!" He realized, "There shouldn't be any monsters here! They've been retreating from Guardia ever since Lavos died, and no one's seen them for months!"

See? Normally, I don't give direct instructions like this, but I make it a point to review every fanfiction I read, and this one just needed the help.

-the collector of data-

-bra1n1ac-

ummm...good idea, i think...need to seriously add some detail and work on ur grammar, could be good with some work.

The Mystics weren't the only ones to put faith in Lavos; the Enlightened Ones did, too.

Oh Dear Lord. I can't stand this stuff. Improve your grammar, and write it in one pretense the whole way through, and It might work. And add the next chapter.

Dude, this story wasn't all that good. This story was to short and didn't give much of a plot. You should write a continuation soon. Your story isn't worth my complaint. Yeah...

Have you ever read a good fic? If you do it talking like that, at least do... like...

Crono: Marle, Marle! i've got somthing to tell you!

Marle: What is it Crono?

Like, the way you do it is too confusing!

Go to grammar school. You hardly put in details. I wrote stories like this when I was five years old. How old are you Mr. Darthpika? Also, where have you been? This was written in 1999. What, did Lavos kill you or something?

You've really have to slow down and explain things. And add more details. I'd also suggest starting a new paragraph every time a new person starts talking (makes it less confusing). Other than that, it has been an interesting story so far.

Jesus, some of you guys are cruel!

I think it's...it's...well, you need to work on it.

A lot. A whole whole lot. Expand a little bit. "He is attacked by some monsters. Crono zaps them with a lightning bolt." That's...do it like this:

Suddenly, three blue imps hopped out of the nearby bushes. They cried out and rushed towards Crono, who began chanting a lightning spell. Bolts of energy flew out of the sky, frying the creatures.

See? Description description description. Elaborate a little. Don't just tell the story, give the reader a mental picture.

you should make this story a couple of paragraphs longer and you have a first part...

Um... ok... look, lavos's shell isn't the REAL lavos and has no real power like to send monsters. The mystics DO NOT believe lavos is the ultimate power, only magus' followers (i.e. ozzie) plus, all those who followed lavos are all gone. Queen zeal: destroyed when lavos destroyed the black omenn. Zeal kingdom: destroyed by lavos. Band of thieves? This isn't beyond the ruins where you have to steal to live. THe real lavos is lavos core and crono, ayla, and marle destroyed that. Lots of errors

It was cool, but try and say something like "Look at that!" exlaimed Marle. Insead of just putting all of the spoken sentances together, it's a little hard to know who's speaking. But otherwise pretty nice.

Way too fast-foarwarded. The part where they need a fuel source, and then the sentence "The trio finds a power source" is horrible. Could have been beter, but too quick.

u need to work on it. it has some potential but u need to work on it it need more desription.