he he..real men wear pink eh?^^

Lol.

wow that was so short but it was still cute and funny ^_^

haha, funny. ^^

lol.

haha take that Kyoko! I liked it! ^^

lol

i always pictured her mumbling something like that
:]

Nice drabble. Good for a laugh. :D

ah, so gloriously them. funny, too. thanks for the read.

Lol, that's cute. "Ren's smile grew brighter, more charming."

Oh, so cute. too cute.

And also superbly well written to capture the moment and thought of the eccentric Kyoko!

I love this piece. I would love it if it were drawn out a little more, too, but I think that that is a style choice, and thus not eligible for critique.

i love this
you captured their personalities perfectly

I love this story. It's cute, funny, and gets the character personalities exactly right.

Please continue righting good fics like this!

Dear Northlight,

I have to say, “A Revelation in Pink” has been, and still is, my favorite Skip Beat FanFiction piece. If you don’t mind reading, I’d like to share some thoughts on how I think this piece could be improved. Please don’t take this as an insult. (Some writers get offended when a reviewer tries to impress another writing style on the author’s piece.) It is not my intention to offend you. I would simply love to see this piece refined (really, if not for your sake, for my sake!) because I absolutely adore what you’ve started here =)

The concept itself is amazing in its subtly and charm, but I feel like there’s a little bit of “something” that is missing; “something” that’s keeping it from being the best it could be.

To be honest, for a while, I was checking ffNet everyday to read more Skip Beat! stories, but I only read your entry months after you first submitted it, simply because of the quality of your summary. Summaries are difficult because it absolutely needs to catch the eye of the casual scanner. Readers are looking for something that they want to read with the flick of a glance--and it’s hard to write something so provocative in such a short space!

Personally, I know I’m lazy when I simply describe what I’m writing, “A Skip Beat! love story,” so maybe I should be the last person to criticize.

Still, if you had simply labeled it, “Anecdotes” or “The Skip Beat! Side Stories” (I immediately thought “A Skip Beat! Vignette” after I read your story; but it doesn’t really completely fit the description, does it)--anything other than a sample of writing from your story. In some cases, that could work, only if it was an incredibly well-written line. In your case, while it might have been the lead-in to the punch line of your story, it wasn’t your best line. In short, I think you would have several more readers (if you’re into that sort of thing) if you work on your summary.

For the sake of drama, I would put in several new paragraphs between certain lines, and draw out the descriptions or emotions in certain areas. I’ve copied your story below and included some notes along the way. I don’t expect you to change anything the way I want it to be changed; I just want to give you a piece of meat to mull over—but, I can’t emphasize enough, if you did revise your story, I would be thrilled!

//-//

Kyoko’s work uniform was pink[.]

[New Paragraph] [B]right, shocking, appalling.

[New Paragraph] It was the colour of her shame, and inescapable.

Ren filled the doorway, a gentlemanly smile in place, and his shirt neatly pressed. [NOTE: This is be a great place to really draw out the descriptions: “Ren casually stepped into the doorway. A gentlemanly smile graced his lips, drawing attention to blahblahblahyaddayadda something about good looks...” I know the driving style of your story is short and simple, but adding more descriptions in this perfect spot will kill the monotone voice, and really add pizzazz to that final punch line. I also wouldn’t put descriptions of his shirt here, because you do it so well, so subtly, in the next sentence: ]

[New Paragraph] Kyoko glowered at his shirt.

[New Paragraph] It was pink[.]

[New Paragraph] [P]ale, sedate, nearly feminine[--]but for the long line of muscles that played beneath [NOTE: the--is written twice] the rich fabric as [he] moved.

Kyoko’s demons quivered in jealous indignation. [Here would be another great spot to draw out descriptions--what did the reaction of her demons have on Kyōko? Your writing describes emotion very well; it’s slightly disappointing to not see that same dedication to Ren and Kyōko’s perspectives, too.]

[New Paragraph] He was mocking her! Mocking her with his pretty shirt[--]better suited [on?] to herself! [NOTE: Since the story begins with her, it seems like it’s already in her perspective. I would just stick with that and make it a little more evident.]

[New Paragraph] Ren’s smile grew brighter, more charming. [Comment: I love this part. It would also be great to see a little bit of what he “might” be thinking or doing: “Ren’s smile grew brighter, more charming as his gaze met her eyes.” ]

[New Paragraph] Her demons moaned, and reached out in thwarted feminine want as Ren stepped around her. [NOTE: How did he step around her? What did he do afterwards? Ignored her? Did she turn to look after him, or walk away?]

[New Paragraph] Impossible, infuriating man, Kyoko thought. [NOTE: How did she think that? Angrily? What did she do? Did she clench her teeth or her hands? Write something to give your last line a little bit more of a kick to it. After all, it is the end!]

//-//

I debated for a while whether or not I should even write this review because I don’t want to trod where I’m not wanted. But honestly, I think it’s worth my time, and your time, to give this piece a little bit more attention.

Final thoughts: It’s wonderful. It really is. But I sincerely believe that it could be “fantastic” with a little more work.

Cheers--and thank you for giving me so many happy smiles =)

LyL