   Maiafay
2007-09-05 . chapter 8Hello, I’m here at your request for concrit and I hope that whatever I suggest will help improve your prose. Bear in mind that aside from grammar and punctuation advice, these are only suggestions. Some, you might disagree with and that’s fine; take what you can from what I advise and apply at your leisure.
>Eragon yawned, shaking his head and rubbing his eyes as he stood up. Saphira stirred behind him, raising her head and smiling at him. She had, according to Glaedr, flown across the Hadarac in record time, and she was exhausted.<
“And she was exhausted” should be a separate sentence.[She was exhausted.] Don’t try to cram everything in one go, break up long sentences into short ones for more impact.
Your dialogue tagging is incorrect. When someone says something, and completes the line of dialogue with a speech verb (I.e. said, whispered, groaned, etc.), then the beginning letter is lower case. This applies to thoughts as well.
E.g. We could leave, Eragon, She said, her face in front of his. We could go far away from Alagaesia and never look back. We could forget this whole thing ever hap-
She in “She said” should be lower case to read, “she said”. When someone ends the dialogue with a non speech verb, then it is capitalized.
E.g. Nothing, it’s just you don’t look nearly as strong as you should, She snorted. Your muscles look almost average, and yet I’ve seen you lift things twice your weight!
She snorted was correct, (but place a period after should) because you cannot really “snort” words.
>It was as if the gods had decided to turn the world into a massive lake, and streams flowed in the low places, and ponds seemed to leap up in the middle of open ground. The wind tore leaves from the trees, leaving some bare and knocking others right over. The lightning flashed to light up for a moment what would have been pitch blackness. The rain beat down as if it was the arrows of a million archers of the heavens, and even the greatest dragon would seek shelter in such fury.<
I have no idea why this bugs me...I think it has to do with some of your word choices. The comparisons are a tad trite. You have some purple pose sneaking in there as well. Try to tone it down some like this:
>>It was as if the gods had decided to turn the world into a massive lake. Streams and deep puddles flowed in every direction and rivers gushed forth over open ground. The wind tore the leaves from the trees, leaving them bare or sundering them from their very roots. The lightning flashed and thunder bellowed, the sound rocking the earth itself. The rain beat down like slivers of arrows, and even the greatest dragon would seek shelter in such fury.
Strong verbs and nouns are essential when describing. Try for similes that are uncommon.
>The egg cracked, splitting apart, and a head emerged from it. It was a sapphire-blue dragon, with features that showed it was a male. It looked up at her intelligently with bright eyes, cocking its head. The ashes swirled around it, but didn’t seem to touch it.<
What features that showed it was male? This is telling, not showing. If you don’t know, then either research it, or make something up. Don’t evade details like that; you cheat the reader.
The final thing I will nitpick, is that you should be confident in your work. If the readers think you have no idea where you’re going with this story, then they are less liable to read it. The same goes for taking well-known canon characters out of the mix. While you certainly can do whatever you want, fans might get offended by the offhanded remarks you make on the first chapter. Give an explanation of why those two are missing in the [story] if possible. If not, then just make a short blurb on WHY they are missing. This isn’t crucial, but it might help you gain more interest.
~M |
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