Hey, I like it! I agree with SirRaphael, the first phrase is a bit weird, but other than that keep writing!

"Out near Venom, on the far side of Lylat, space was vast indeed. Stars shone with brightness, this far out, the far edge of the Lylat system. Even Lylat's older sibling Solar was just a ruby in the far distance."

Sorry to open out this review like this, but that sentence needs some work. It's awkward, doesn't flow properly, and it really puts a bit impression on this section of the site.

However, the rest of your story goes very well from there. The description could be beefed up, but overall, it's quite readable and very interesting. Keep updating, and try to work on what I said. -Raph