Wow... well, I have to say, there are a ton of grammatical errors here which make it somewhat hard to read. However, wow... that description of Greg just floors me. This has real potential. I really like it! I bet if you could find a good beta reader for this, you'd get a ton of new fans. Keep up the good work!

love the story plez make more chapters

I'd love to see this continued, but I have to say, it's completely insane to read. I got a few lines in and thought "Ok, great plot, I want to see where this goes". I got a few more in and gave up. Which I hate doing when a plot is GOOD. The site's new beta reader programme is something you really should be testing out. Development, syntax and spelling. Please, I'd love to see something made of this.

ok, i feel the need to write this- i don't write a lot of reviews, especially of this particular nature, but, well, you'll see.

the first thing i want to make clear is that this story has a lot of potential. it's one of the rare 'not over used' plots left on fanfic, and you've added your own personality to it, which makes it all the better.

the second thing is less pleasant. you really, really need a beta reader. the amount of stupid mistakes present in only these two chapters is frankly phenominal. i couldn't finish the second chapter because the mistakes really turned me off and I lost interest in the storyline.

thirdly, it's way too unclear. your plot, though seemingly good, is somewhat tainted by the lack of attention to your syntax. everything is rushed which gives us the feeling that you don't really take pleasure in writing and it's just the idea itself that you want to get out. writing is more than just ideas that you scrawl half-assedly onto a page and post- the form is equally, if not more important than the content.

hoping that this will help you,

carrot°

I know you said you wrote this early in the morning, but can you please give it some style or format. I really want to read it, but its hard when your eyes want to wander over everything at once. I'm like Oo;
lol, but it looked good so far. Let me know when you format please?

-Kira-

you should fix the spacing in this.. it's hard to read all crammed up like this...