Hey, followed this link from the SOS thread on You're doing a good job on this so far, and deserve more reviews than you've gotten, so I'm doing my part.

Just as a small constructive criticism, try to be a bit more descriptive about action sequences, but at the same time tighten it up a bit. There are a few parts where it's a bit confusing.

All in all though, I do like the story. Keep it coming=)

It was kinda short but really good!