|Reviews for Jump In All Over Again!|
| Unnamed for eons 2/15/11 . chapter 4
| kimanioverthinks 1/11/09 . chapter 1
Don't take this as me being rude; I'm trying to be nice.
Alright, here's a couple ways you could improve the quality of your story:
- It would help if you used quotation marks. Your readers would be able to tell the difference between spoken dialect and discriptions, emotions, etc. So where you said:
'What asks Keke. Our Careers have us in two directions i think its for the best says Corbin. Okay says Keke as she walks away haboring the biggest secret of her life.'
You should have said:
"What?" asks Keke.
"Our careers have us in two directions. I think it's for the best," says Corbin.
"Okay," says Keke as she walks away harbouring the biggest secret of her life.
- Another thing is that you haven't captured the emotions of the characters well enough. In my opinion, you made Keke accept the break-up too easily. She should have tried to persuade him to stay with her or something. Also, you were a bit too vague with how she was feeling or little things like that, it would have been nice to know. Plus, you could have used more words to describe where they were standing or what Keke's daughter looked like.
- You used real people. In the Guidelines, it states that you aren't allowed to use real people in stories. Keke and Corbin are real people.
- You should use more commas, and things like capitalization. It helps readers when there are pauses between chunks of writing. The understand better and it's so much easier on the eyes. :)
If anything, you could try using a beta-reader, who would proof-read your stories beforehand and tell you what's wrong. It might help. You can feel free to PM me back if you don't understand what I have said in this review, you want beta-reading help, or just want to talk about something. :D
Please don't think I'm being snobbish or something, I'm just trying to help. Please take no offense, I'm trying to help.
| jujubee123 1/12/08 . chapter 3
nice plot! the story line was nice! frankly i loved it! but hears some critism.. ready? okay well you need a few quotations so that people can know who says what. and also you need to make it more believe able. i little 4 year old girl sees a man claiming to be her father would probably run behind her moms back. and when a celeb finds out that he's a father, he wouldnt nessisarily (always have trouble with that word...) propose to a 22 year old right there and then. it would take a few months to rekindle what he and Keke had... but other than that it was a pretty nice story! good job!
| Goddess of Twilight 11/14/07 . chapter 2
You really need to use quotations, and lots of other grammar things.
It's really choppy, and it isn't helped that you didn't use quotation marks, let alone that you didn't even space out the speech. You had an entire conversation without hitting return, which is not only hard to understand what the heck is going on, but it's a MESS. It really needs work. Instead of moving on to something else, I think you could put some work into it. The plot is great, just need to work the conveyance a bit.
| Ole Miss Chick 9/16/07 . chapter 4
Hey it was a good story, but ya might not wanna bunch things together. EX, Why didn't you tell me said Corbin, It should be "Why didn't you tell me," said Corbin. It doesn't make any since if you bunch it all together I kinda had trouble reading it myself. Awesome story though I really did like it and hope you right more in the future.