This story just gets better and better. :D

I am so sorry I've dissapered for a million years but my internet is down...but I did have a point to this other than saying what I could in an email. Chapter, very nice. I enjoyed Krystal's language...I wondered if I've reviewed this chapter already...all well anyways can't wait to see what happens

o.o aw poor kid. though there are some people's faces i'd like to break too...

Heheheh

I loved this chapter.

You really established Krystal's personality in this chapter; she's already my favourite character in this so far. And what I especially liked was the way that you established it. Deliberately staying with Yugi and his friends to try and tick off someone that she's never met, and her appraisal of the teens when they first appeared. You really fleshed her out, and I couldn't see any problems with it.

In fact, I have no problems with any part of this chapter at all... save one. You spelt "can" as "cane" at one point, P.

I am really impressed with your talent as a writer. Already you've learned from the small mistakes made the last time round, and since you did it long before I started reading the story I've realized just how you work. I've also just realized that the plot is beginning to roll, something that I missed reading the first time. It was a very seamless transition from character introduction and establishment to plot in these first three chapters. Well done.

If you keep writing like this, you will go far. No doubt in my mind about this at all. And each chapter has improved on the one before. That's a rare talent. I honestly don't know what else to say. Just keep writing the way you are now, is all I can say.

Sorry for the long delay in between chapters. I think I explained the reasons to you on BMGF, but I feel really bad that it's taken me this long to get to chapter two.

This was another good chapter, but I think that it was too short. The section on Krystal was good, but I would have liked to have seen more in the way of interaction with Arisu. You did a good job of making Arisu come across as extremely annoying, and thus establish both Krystal's role as a protagonist and some good development on her behalf. But I'm confused as to why exactly the two dislike each other so much (unless this is something already established in the manga/anime, in which case I'm just out of touch, P).

I liked your use of imagery in the beginning of this chapter. It really helped establish the setting, and I could picture the characters perfectly. Towards the end of Krystal's part in this chapter though, you used the word "growling" twice. I know it seems kind of a funny thing to point out, but I just think that it was used too close together in those instances. Don't get me wrong, I love the word and it fits both sentences very well. I just don't think there was enough spacing in between the two.

I liked Kaiba's little bit at the end too; figures that someone would be so late on such an important day. That will really set up some interesting conflict between the two. My only suggestion here is to make a more clear transition from Krystal to Kaiba. A line break would have worked well.

Overall another good read, and I'm getting very interested in this story now. I can't wait to see what you've done for Chapter Three!

PS, I'm hoping to have everything on Critics' Corner properly set up for Monday, and then we can really start to invite others! What do you think of the layout so far? I'm hoping that it's condensed enough to make navigation easy, but complex enough that people of different interests will all take a part in it.

Quote:I'm really repressing the urge to burst out and tell you that you're the most awesome person alive for telling me what you did, go on about how you completely made my night, and also because you like The Picture of Dorian Gray and The Phantom Tollbooth too...but I'll restrain myself here _

That part of your review alone made my night, too. P And I know, grammar is my weak point. But enough of my story, I'm here to review yours!

I know absolutely nothing of the Yu-Gi-Oh universe, having never watched the series. That said, this first chapter definitely intrigued me and made me want to read/learn more. I'll definitely by reading more of this, and like you, will review chapter by chapter.

I'm not sure if any of the characters written in so far are familiar to most Yu-Gi-Oh fans (or their backstories in this fic for that matter), but I have to say that you did an excellent job with them. Seto/Kaiba was quickly established as having a more dominant personality to Mokuba, and it will be interesting to see how they both interact with Kazeryuu when she comes to stay with them. I did initially find the change between Kaiba and Seto confusing though, until I read the story description again anyways; I'm assuming since you're incorporating Japanese language, you're also incorporating the respect normally shown during conversation? Please correct me if I'm wrong on that.

I also liked the way you used italics. Too many fanfiction authors don't use them effectively, but you did. I was able to follow the conversations with perfect emphasis, and I found it's use in the sentence "I said go, Mokuba" particularily useful. A lot of people would have put an exclamation mark at the end of that sentence, but the useage of the italics for "go" worked much better. It seems to be focusing on that one sentence, that one word, but it worked wonders for me; we learn that even though Kaiba may be feeling frustrated with his younger brother, he remains calm and does not allow himself to raise his voice. That one word reveals a lot of detail on Kaiba's personality.

I also liked how you differentiated between speech and thought. As I already said, I can't wait to see how you develop this story, and I'm especially looking forward to the interaction between the two brothers and the "street rat".

I also want to tell you, don't get discouraged by the lack of reviews. Two reviews in 14 chapters may seem to be pretty bad, but have you checked the stories stats? Only you can access the stats, and it could be that lots of people are reading, they're just choosing not to review. It could also be because of the rating; although I personally never care about the rating (unless it's too young, P) lots of people avoid "M" fics. It's too bad that most people assume an "M" fic will always have sex, because I've read plenty that don't, and they are often the best-written fanfictions of all (PKM Rangers is a fantastic example).

It could also be the readers on the website; I've gotten 148 reviews on Final Challenge here on but only 6 on Serebii Forums with a near identical amount of chapters. That doesn't mean people aren't reading it, just that they aren't reviewing it. Try putting it up on BMGF in The Writers Corner; non-Pokemon fics are allowed, and I know of some people who will really like this story.

Speaking of BMGF, I searched for your username and added you on my "Buddy List", but you should really enable Private Messaging, P. I tried to contact you on there, and was surprised when I couldn't.

But anyways, keep up the excellent work on this fanfiction! Don't let yourself get discouraged because you are one fantastic author. You have real talent, and I know that you can make it, something that probably won't happen to me. I can't wait to read more of your work, and if you are working on any original material I would love to read it sometime.

Welcome. I love the Jenny character, she's funny. :D

OMG! Will Kaiba go crazy like Pegasus and try to use ancient magic and his holographs to bring her back? lol I could totally see that. Ancient Egyptian lasar beams! lol I love this chappie It's so sad, but I get it *wink wink* I love seeing kaiba moarn (that's not how you spell it huh?) Sad Kaiba makes the best character lol I'm an angst whore, but so are you :P

aw! that was so sad! and sweet!

wolf's rain didn't get canceled. adultswim played out the entire series from beginning to shocking end. onii-san is used to talk about your own brother; kat calls jun that. and jun speaks fluent japanese so... lol... bored so is writing a lot of rambling kuso

i like the story... even though it has yugioh charries in it its still enjoyable. ... looks at the thing that says anime/mangayugiohthe dragon clan lol. I saw that. I swear.

Interesting use of engrish. IM AMERICAN! WE DO STUFF LIIKE DONT DISS CANADA, EH?

awesome chapter! really liking it so far! update soon! :D

I've been reading this since chapter 1! It's really good! I need more... i'm getting addicted lol! :D

This was well written. Usually I am wary about OC's, but you kept me intrigued. I want to know what happens next.

Oh dear, x] I see tension in the future! Good chapy! It really made my night a lot better. :)

I just finished reading the first four chapters of your story. And I can tell you that I am really going to enjoy this. Krystal sounds like she is going to a great character. Cant wait for the next chapter to come out.