I really enjoyed the fic. It's well detailed, and I like how you came in from LaChance's perspective. The following line I liked:

"A likely unheard "goodbye" left my lips as she climbed back up the ladder."

Priceless.

I don't quite understand the whole thing but it is interesting. Expecially the plot. I really liked this part: ("You dirty traitor!" I yelled, losing all sense of stability.

"What are you talking about?" She asks me.

"You damn well know! You just killed the Listener! I'll kill you!" I pulled a dagger from my boot and went into an offensive stance.) ^-^ I wasn't able to understand, who was telling the story? I'm pretty poor when it comes to understanding stuff. Lol. Like it anyway.

Nicely written; it actually made me feel sorry for Lucian.

You know, I really liked this piece. But there were a few flaws that should probably be addressed.

"I had watched my recruit rise quickly through the ranks of the Brotherhood. I like to put it as closely followed. She killed with cold precision. No sympathy or remorse. I watched her as she flipped her auburn hair from her face and put it into a tight ponytail. She looked over at me for a second in the corner of a small inn. No, nonsense. I was invisible. She couldn't possibly see me."

Look at the above paragraph, and you should recognize that something's a bit off. And that is that while for the first half, he is describing abstract things like her ascention and style of killing, then switches to physical descriptions and actions. This is a bit off, and makes the paragraph as a whole less effective. It probably would have been better seperated into two paragraphs, and the second half should've been worded to be more in the past tense. I'll see if I can't give it a shot:

"I had watched my recruit rise quickly through the ranks of the Brotherhood. I like to put it as closely followed. She killed with cold precision. No sympathy or remorse.

I remembered watching her as she flipped her auburn hair from her face and pulled it into a tight ponytail. I would never forget how she looked over at me for a second in the corner of a small inn. No, nonsense. I had been, as I always was outside the Sanctuaries, invisible. She couldn't possibly have seen me. But I still could never forget that moment."

Yeah, I took a few liberties there, but I think it works better. It's that kind of thing you have to keep in mind; paragraphs, especially retro/introspective paragraphs, should all flow and have the same tone/tense.

You also have a bad habit of switching back and forth between first- and third-person, which you really should pick up on when/if you edit it. I'll point out an example for you.

"He told her she could rest here and she gladly accepted."

That should have been first-person, like the rest of the story. It's extremely odd to read, and can confuse the reader a little before they spot the error.

You also switched into present tense in the last bit, which is very disconcerting and something you really should fix in the editting stage. I'm assuming you didn't edit this before you posted it-- which is fine-- but for future reference, you should definitely be careful to make sure you always stay in the same tense and point of view. After a while, it'll probably become second nature.

I really did like this story, it's just that there are a few simple errors that take away from the feel of it, and make an otherwise enjoyable story a little less enjoyable.

The first thing is that I like how you brought a cruel and gruesome light to the execution of Lucien without getting too nauseatingly grotesque. Some work is needed on a few things. The paragraphs and dialog need some organizing, starting a new paragraph whenever there's a new speaker. It makes things easier on the reader as well as it looking nice.

The point of view is interesting. I've never thought much about Lucien's perspective on things. The verb tense used was a bit awkward and at times not consistent. Sometimes it seemed like the activities had happened two minutes ago or two months or even happening at the moment. Of course, by the end I knew what all was going on, but still, a little bit of clarification on the chronology would bring the reader some ease, which can easily be done by fixing some of the verb tenses.

All in all, It's an entertaining short story that could do quite well with some little fixes here and there. Not bad!

"Thank you Listener. I'm honored."

...I'm not sure what's going on. O.O Is Lucien the Listener in this? He's supposed to be a Speaker, right?

Otherwise, though, this was achingly beautiful in it's horrible-ness, if that makes much sense. ^.^ I dispised it, which is to say I loved it. (Despised Arquen for torturing Lachance, loved the fic for invoking such a reaction.)

I'm sorry, I'm not making much sense at all, am I?

Very good.

Thats horrible-the thought that Lucien was still alive as you arrive at Applewatch. The story is good, although some of the paragraphs jump through the situations, but this paced the story, so it wasn't too bad.(Although it was a little confusing). More descriptive writing could have been used (I always like a bit of description). This review is waytoo long now so God story!