Aragorn is OOC in the first fu-cking sentence. This does not bode well…

NO! A Mary-Sue!! God Almighty, why do you torture me with so many Mary-Sues?! I can deal with bad grammar, spelling, etc…but Mary-Sues…God…

This is Lord of the Rings, they don’t speak like we do now, do not make them.

A Mary-Sue doesn’t need to dominate to be one. A Mary-Sue is a female character that is beautiful, Mysterious, completely two-dimensional, more powerful then the cannon characters (most cases, but not all the time), and everyone likes her. Your “Eriden” is a PERFECT example of a Mary-Sue.

Reviews are to tell an author how their story was received by the PUBLIC, we do not have to kiss your a.s.s, or tell you lies to help your self-esteem.

Delete this piece of sh-it.

I reviewed because you denied that your character is a Sue when in reality, it obviously is.

Oh, that and the fact that you detest critics, criticisms and flamers - known to you as 'bad reviews/reviewers'.

-

Like people have said, it's a Sue no matter how you look at it. Listen to critics because they offer passable advice to those who need it.

You don't think you can actually stop people from criticizing, do you? Even if you write it down or type it, mere words can't stop a person.

P.S.

A Mary Sue/Gary Stu, in terms you'd see as fit and understandable, is a perfect character - no more, no less.

Perfect hair everyday; unbelievably nice, pretty and strong; a single glance and the characters fall for him/her; an *unnatural* color as her NATURAL hair - or EYE - color; has had seemingly 'angsty' past; looks good under any circumstances even if she's just wearing a plain dress/shirt and pants without any makeup on etc.

So, I take it you understand now? If not, go search it. And if you're not yet convinced that your character is a Sue, go search for a Mary Sue test through a search engine.

Okay, first off, a couple things to point out.

You've placed this story in book canon. Can't be. In the books, it was not Arwen who came to find Aragorn and the Hobbits while they were still west of the Bruinen river. It was Glorfindel. Arwen doing so makes it movie canon.

Second of all, there is no culture in Middle-earth that would come up with the name Eriden. It's not an elven name, it's not Rohirric (which is for all intents and purposes old English), it's not Adunaic, it's certainly not Dwarvish. It's not anything. In short, it's not a name that would exist in Middle-earth. A little bit of research will turn up a better name. I'd try sites such as Encyclopedia or Arda or Ardalambion.

Third, I'm having a very hard time buying that she's descended from an elf. In the entire history of the Elves of Middle-earth, there were only a handful of man-elf couplings. All their children and descendants are well documented and known. Having another one come out of the blue isn't terribly feasible.

As to the existence of the character at all, if she's not going to be a main focus of the story, there's no reason for her to be there. So either she takes over the story, or she's completely useless. That's sort of the nature of creating new characters in fanfiction. It's something that I've struggled with quite a bit myself, over the years, and I've found that, in general, one of three things happens. 1. they take over the story. 2. they're completely superfluous. 3. they're a villain.

And, BTW, I'm a completely obsessed fangirl and that's **why** I'm not thrilled about this fic. It warps the very thing I'm obsessed with almost beyond recognition. One should never make assumptions that your tastes are the best. What bothers me the most is that you're trying to pass this off as feasibly book canonical and it very much isn't. If anything, it's movie. But since you rewrite known scenes, it would probably be best placed in AU. There are plenty of folks who adore AU. They're just not for everyone. That's why there are the different categories within the LoTR section.

The things the fic has going for it, though, is that you have good spelling and good formatting. It's an easy read and things flow very well. Don't worry too much about over-using "said" or "asked," though. They're both completely innocuous verbs that don't call attention to themselves when used yet still allow you to indicate who is speaking. Using them a lot is not necessarily a bad thing.

Bado na sídh.

Berz.

Dear Crazy Pixie, your story has the most number of reviews for a story with no chapters and alas no originality I have seen so far on FF. I do hope you take into account as to what people have said (constructive critism wise) because this story may just be a pleasant read. Best of luck.

- Jess.

I’d like to clarify the issue of shiny dresses in the film for you, as your confusion over that is probably why you gave Eriden a magic dress in the first place.

First of all, elves naturally “glow” a bit. They just do. Most mortals won’t notice this, or won’t believe what they’re seeing.

Here, for example, is part of the description of Gildor Inglorion’s people when Frodo, Sam, and Pippin met them: “Before long the Elves came down the lane towards the valley. They passed slowly, and the hobbits could see the starlight glimmering on their hair and in their eyes. They bore no lights, yet as they walked a shimmer, like the light of the moon above the rim of the hills before it rises, seemed to fall about their feet.”

Secondly, the real reason that scene with Arwen was so bright is that a crew member made a mistake and filmed that shot with the actress wearing the wrong costume. They realized it too late to avoid an expensive re-film, so the computer people altered the shot so Arwen is backlit so brightly we’re unable to see that her dress is not the riding habit she wears in the rest of the rescue-Frodo scenes.

However, it works well because *that* shot is meant to be Arwen as seen by *Frodo.* At that point, Frodo is very close to death; the Morgul knife’s evil magic is turning him into an undead creature like the Nazgûl/Black Riders.

One of the effects this has on Frodo is that his eyesight keeps changing between normal hobbit eyesight and the sight the Nazgûl have. The Nazgûl are undead; they don't actually have eyes, so *cannot* see the visible world (which is why the Nazgûl that book-Pippin is so curious about “sniffs” to try to detect the hobbits). When Frodo puts on the Ring, even without the effect of the Morgul knife, the Nazgûl *can* "see" him, because he’s stepped into their world, the spirit world -- and Frodo can "see" their otherwise-invisible faces as well.

So in that shot Frodo, “seeing” as the Nazgûl do rather than as normal mortals, is “seeing” Arwen at least partly as her *spirit* appears. Hence the brightness.

No magic dresses involved.

I saw this and thought of Sue. "pls don’t call it a Mary Sue because a) it offends people with that name; and b) the definition of a Mary Sue is a story where an extra character DOMINATES the story and mine does NOT."

I don't care who gets offended by the name "Mary Sue" being used to describe intrusive OC's. The term has been around for a while so they should be used to it by now. The definition you have chosen for Mary Sue is clearly one you either made up yourself or have bowdlerized to suit yourself. At any rate, it is false. My own definition of Mary Sue would take up several pages, because there is the male version to consider, and there are many variations. Basically, the short version is that a Sue is a character inserted into the story to interact with the canon characters, usually with the aim of forming a relationship with them. Usually, they are thinly-disguised self-inserts acting out romantic or adventurous wish-fulfillment fantasies, i.e. the story becomes about an idealised version of you.

Like a lot of Suethors, you have thrown logic into the bin with canon. Why would Arwen add the burden of Eriden on to Aragorn when he already has to contend with Nazgul? If this is a woman's touch you can keep it! There are heroic women you can write about if you want a woman hero, but don't do this to us. Go and look up the story of Eowyn or Haleth. Even Galadriel was known for her bravery. Tenth Walker stories are usualy crap, and this is a prime example of why they are hated so much. I suppose your're going to block me. Fair enough, but it won't stop people flaming you for disregarding canon.

Oh, and your English is terrible. Is it your third, fourth or fifth language? Explain, please:

As soon as Arwen had finished she leapt up, carefully carried Frodo to the place where the horses stood and lifted him into the saddle of her white mare. Just as she was about to leap up behind him she felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned and found Aragorn behind her.

‘Let me go’

‘No’

Her answer puzzled Aragorn as he wasn’t used to blank refusals.

‘I am the swifter rider ,’ she reasoned, ‘Once I cross the river I will be under my people’s protection. Look after Eriden’ and before Aragorn could protest she had leapt into the saddle and was off towards Rivendell. Aragorn sighed resignedly and walked over to the small fire where the hobbits and Eriden were seated, chatting amiably.

Whatever have you got against full stops, woman?

Okay... Before I get started, I want to emphasise that I'm trying to be kind. This is not a personal attack by any means, I'm just criticising your story. Seriously.

Only good, nice reviews? Sweetheart, even published authors don't only get positive feedback. Even Tolkien, hell, even SHAKESPEARE has his critics. You've got to accept the bad with the good, else how will you improve your writing? Don't immediately dismiss critics. Read what we have to say. Often we're just trying to help.

Now, judging by your style and your subject matter I'm going to assume that you're very young. That's fine, we've all got to start somewhere. So the earlier you learn this the better, because then you won't develop bad habits. First, a grammar lesson:

Dialogue:
You tag dialogue in various different ways throughout this fic, and often you do this incorrectly.

Your way of tagging dialogue: "This is Eriden." She said simply.

The grammatically correct way of tagging dialogue:

"This is Eriden," she said simply. When you write dialogue followed by a tag such as 's/he said', no matter what your characters are saying, the actual sentence hasn't been completed once the dialogue is over. Therefore, instead of having a full stop at the end of your dialogue, you have a comma, and the word after the dialogue, unless it is a characters name, is spelt without a capital letter.

"Really? I did not know that," the author replied.

"Yes, it's true," the reader answered.

"I'll be mindful of that in the future," the author said.

"Please do." The reader was now happy.

Onto other matters... I can tell from this that this fic is movie based. Fair enough, but I strongly suggest you read the books before continuing. They're a very good read, trust me. ;) The books will make you more aware of how the LOTR-verse works, and what's possible and what's not. Half-elves? Possible, but very rare and thus unlikely. Mages? Nigh impossible. Sixteen-year-olds taking off on dangerous quests? Impossible. And Arwen didn't find the Fellowship and take Frodo to Rivendell. That was a male elf called Glorfindel.

Your OC's appearance: very Sueish, I'm afraid. Don't instantly describe every example of your character's gorgeousness the moment she appears. Try and introduce her looks subtly, like a mention of how she puts a piece of her golden-brown (what colour exactly is that, anyway?) behind her slightly pointed ear. On the subject of ears: if she only has some elvish blood, she wouldn't have pointed ears. Aragorn doesn't. As for her clothes; is a magic dress really necessary when even Arwen and Galadriel don't have them? Why not just have her wear a pretty dress, or outdoor clothes like Arwen does in the film?

Incidentally, unless you're writing a year like '1969', don't write numbers in prose using digits, such as '16' for your character's age. Write the word 'sixteen' instead.

A note on your title: I take it you meant to write the word 'Warrior' rather than 'Warria'?

Aragorn: he's really out of character here. Aragorn's a seasoned ranger who's travelled very far and seen a great deal. I doubt he would say "A... you know!" He's speaking like a teenager here. Watch the film (or better, read the books) and concentrate on how the characters speak. Think about what makes them speak that way. Then apply it to your writing.

To the plot: your plot is very cliched and quite implausible. A girl that young would never be able to join the fellowship. There were nine companions to balance the nine Nazgul or Ringwraiths. Arwen gives no explanation for Eriden coming with her other than she seems to want Eriden to join the fellowship. You might want to explain that more, give a plausible reason for Eriden being there at all. Otherwise Eriden WILL dominate this story: she's an unnecessary character and the reader will spend most of their time wondering what she's doing there.

The best advice I can give you is to listen to your critics. Consider what they have to say, then apply the advice to your writing. It'll improve a great deal as a result. Please bear this in mind as I'm only trying to help.

You need to listen to the critics. That's all I'm asking of you.

good

"Hope you liked, please review, meaning, only GOOD, NICE reviews and pls don’t call it a Mary Sue because a) it offends people with that name; and b) the definition of a Mary Sue is a story where an extra character DOMINATES the story and mine does NOT"

No, sweetie, you have the wrong definition of a Sue. Yes, many Sues dominate the story, but the definition of a Sue is she is an ideal character. She is usually very beautiful, has magical powers, can out do anyone in the Fellowship, falls in love with a canon character, is often an idealized self insert. Some Sues have all these traits, some have only a few. Yet the fact remains, a Sue is an unbelivable character in the fandom in which she has been written, and yes, my dear, that includes your precious Eriden. She is a Sue. Either accept that, or stop writing her.

The purpose of the review system is to help the author improve their writing, not to give GOOD, NICE reviews. You will never grow as an author or improve without negative reviews. Saying you only wish good reviews says to me that you don't care at all about your writing or improving. You just want a boost to your self confidence, and poppet, this isn't the place to get such. If you cannot handle constructive criticism, negative critism and even flames, then you should not be posting here.

The movies are not a good place to write a story like this from. You really need to read the books so you better understand Tolkien's world. Adding another character to the Fellowship causes all kinds of problems. Giving her some of the other characters lines is not the solution. See, adding an entirely new entity to the Fellowship changes the way everything else happens. She will affect every other character and the story will cease to follow either book or movie plot if it is realistic.

You can delete your story and add it again and again. And every time you are going to get negative reviews if you leave it like this. Grow up and learn to accept those reviews, or stop writing this story. Those are really the only options based on what you are wishing for.

It's really good!! I so want to read more!

Telling people not to flame your story is like a red rag to a bull. Telling them not to criticise AT ALL is like some kind of crazily concentrated cow pheromone. To a bull. I'm not going to flame you, but I'm going to give you a little advice.

Embrace the criticism others offer. They are trying to help you become a better author. There ARE improbabilities in your plot - the extreme rarity of Half-Elves, and non-existence of 'Mages' were the ones that jumped out at me - but others have highlighted these, and I won't bore you by going over them again. The fact is, you're messing with canon in a serious way, and you'll need some serious skill to pull it off.

It's only the first chapter, the writing itself isn't bad (though you've made a few minor technical mistakes), and its too early to fairly judge the quality of your characterisation, plot and overall talent as an author. However, your character is already displaying a number of 'Sueish traits. If you want any more of my advice, PM me and I'll help in any way I can. I think you have potential as an author, but the feedback you get from now on depends on how you develop your character and storyline from here.

Good luck!

I'm pretty sure I read this exact same story a couple of days ago, except then both the story and the OFC were named Eriden, so it seems that the only reason why you've reposted this is to get rid of negative reviews. How's that working for you so far? Did you ever stop to think that perhaps if people were telling you, for instance, that mages don't belong in Middle-earth, you should have taken that advice to heart and considered revising the story instead of trying to dictate what people are allowed to say about the story and how? Really, if you cannot deal with negative criticism, maybe you should reconsider posting your stories online, or at least try and find one of those sites that forbid anything but positive reviews, because the idea of people getting to freely express their opinions on your story clearly isn't sitting well with you.

As for the actual writing, you should say Eriden is sixteen and not 16, I'm fairly certain Aragorn would never attempt to clam Sam, and that bit about you explaining Eriden's teleportation is incredibly jarring, because until then we've been following the story from Aragorn's perspective and in third person, and then there's suddenly a narrator barging into the story in first person to explain what disappearing really means. Try to find some other way to include that information in the story, because the current way is about as smooth as an in-story author's note.

Other than that... Well, most of the things about the story that made me frown while reading were already touched upon by eiluj and I.H.N., so there's no need to really repeat them. However, I have to ask one thing: what exactly is Eriden going to contribute to the Fellowship with that "woman's touch" of hers? They already have somebody with as much "magic" as you can have in Middle-earth (Gandalf), several people who know how to fight (Aragorn, Boromir, Legolas, Gimli), a skilled healer (Aragorn again) and, in the unlikely event you're using the term in its original meaning and referring to those domestic skills women bring with them to their homes, I'm pretty sure the hobbits can deal with cooking just fine. Also, if they really need somebody with the skill to vanish into thin air, there's always Frodo - and why exactly didn't Aragorn immediately think Eriden was on the side of evil when he saw her disappear, by the way? That's not something people in Middle-earth do unless they're carrying evil jewelry, and having one of those suddenly close to the Ring and not doing anything about it doesn't exactly strike me as Aragorn doing his job and making sure that Frodo gets to Rivendell with the Ring.

Honestly, what seems to be happening here is you cramming your special, new, amazing OFC into a story that doesn't need her and into a fandom that you don't seem to know that well and into the umpteenth repetition of the movie script with a couple of lines and scenes of your own added, and you making canon characters behave in an extremely out-of-character manner to make it possible for your OFC to work at all in the story - and that, my dear author, is the sign of a Mary Sue.

And no, I don't care how many people named Mary Sue I just mortally offended.

I did like this story. I think that Eriden is a bit Mary Sueish, but not overly! I really liked liked your summary, with the 'What if' part and the 'woman's touch', after all, this is fanfiction.
For your first A/N, I loved how you said that other 10th walkers won't stop you from writing.
Peace out boy scout,
Gord and V

Well, your story really is not bad, and I can tell that you did try not to let your character appear 'Sueish. For example, it is good to see that the OC for once does not take command of the situation as soon as she arrives. Additionally, your spelling and grammar seem to be sound (I am happy to see Elrond's valley spelled 'Rivendell' and not 'Rivendale', 'Riverdale' or any other variation thereof.

But unfortunately, eiluj is right. You see, the kind of magic that your character displays simply does not exist in Middle-earth. Unlike many other fantasy-realms, there is no mode of instant transportation in Tolkien's world. There are no portals, not teleporting, no 'blinking' or similar things. If your character has a body that is not merely 'raiment' generated by the spirit or an intangible illusion, but made of flesh and blood, she has to walk it from A to B like everybody else. And does she really need a sparkly, glowy magical dress?

Secondly, I doubt that Aragorn would calmly assume that she has "some elfish blood". The problem is, that Half-Elves are exceptionally rare in Middle-earth. The three famous pairings (Beren and Luthien, Idril and Tuor, Arwen and Aragorn) aside, there are rumours of one (and just one) other Man/Elf couple in seventhousand years of shared history (an ancestor of the Princes of Dol-Amroth). That means that the existance of another Half-Elf, or a being that can be mistaken as one has to be explained very well at some point in the story. You should also be aware that pointed ears are not among the defining characteristics of Tolkien's Elves. In fact, there is no direct evidence that Elves have pointed ears at all!

Then, there is this passage: "‘A…’ he continued, ‘A… you know!’ he finally cried in expiration." In my opinion, that does not sound like Aragorn at all. I know that the movie changed his character a little, but he still was a very confident individual. I really can't imagine Aragorn starting to hesitate when the companion of his betrothed displays strange magical powers. Instead, I think that he would make sure that she is no threat to the Hobbits, the Ring and Arwen herself as fast as possible.

Finally, it is my opinion that a character does not need '1337 m4gic41 p0w3rz' in order to be interesting. It is your story, of course, but I really wonder why every other OC in fanfiction has to be the last of a dieing people, a witch or mage, the subject of a prophecy, the savior of Middle-earth or otherwise incredibly powerful, special and important. If you are using the movie-continuity, why can't your character be a warrior of Arwen's escort (yes, female Elves could and did fight)?

Is it really that important that your character is a 'mage'? If the answer is yes, then you must ask yourself if she is not in fact a Mary-Sue, despite your best intentions, because then, her powers will eventually dominate the story. If her magic is not that important to your plot, why include it at all?

The third option, of course, is doing research. Find out what supernatural powers exist in Middle-earth, who could have them and why. Then, perhaps, you can try to play with these abilities (if you are careful). If that sounds like too much work, I would advise you to drop your character's magical powers. I mean, you have a potential Mary-Sue to loose and a potentially great story to gain.

So, please keep writing, and your story could turn out to be one of the very few good stories of it's kind. But please, for the love of all things good and holy, remember that the magic of Middle-earth is not the magic of Dungeons and Dragons.