   You Have Been Reviewed 12/12/05 . chapter 11I am not that familiar with the anime "Escaflowne", but I am familiar with the author, "fanilia". I have seen her work recently featured on MediaMiner as a contest winner, so this was a unique treat to see an older work of hers.
The actual content of this story is similar to that done by many beginner writers. The names of many characters, especially "Cherry Blossom", "Evil Spirit" and "Tayles" did not seem to mesh well with the canon character names I recognized, such as Van, Hitomi and Allen, or the place name Fanelia. I suspected that these were the online names of friends inserted as characters, and the author's notes at the end of Chapter 10 confirmed that suspicion. While there's nothing inherently wrong with using friends as characters in a fic, this one suffers from what many other similar ones do - the characters are not fully developed or described so that the reader can really identify with them.
The most jarring thing as a reader is the use of present tense. This is especially true because the first line of the story, and subsequent small sections in between, are in past tense. Tense changes that don't make logical sense in the story tend to jar the reader out of pace. In places, especially in later chapters, spelling errors and technical or grammar problems also interrupt the flow of the story off and on.
For an eleven chapter fic, this story reads extremely quickly. That is due to the exceptionally short chapter length of each chapter. There are places where several chapters could be combined, especially if more meat were added to the details of the story and the characters. There are several places where the imagery is rich and developed, while others are left lacking. A better balance would fill this story out better.
There was one place in the fic where a particular peeve of mine was hit. During the scene where Van and Merle first come upon the tarot tent, an exchange by two throw-away characters reads:
“I can’t believe it, she knew so much, how we met, and the baby we lost. I can’t wait to have this baby now that I know it (she laughs) he will be healthy. I have never seen a fortune teller use cards, they were so beautiful.”
Putting "she laughs" in parentheses like this ruins the flow of the dialog and of the story. It's ALMOST as irritating as outright author's notes inserted into the middle of the story. This would be better handled by simply breaking the quotation and describing her laugh before picking up the quotation again.
The other (smaller) peeve is the use of "thru" instead of "through" over the course of the entire story. Shorthand/slang in place of proper English has never impressed me, and is only slightly better than the use of idiotspeak (Netspeak) in fics.
As far as technical merit goes, this story could seriously benefit from a beta-reader who is experienced in grammar rules and punctuation. All of the mistakes are fairly common mistakes, including a number of comma faults, and would be cleaned up readily by an experienced beta-reader.
However, the story itself progressed in a logical manner, and it touched on everything it was listed as - romance, action and adventure. While the questing aspect of it wasn't that developed, it was present, and the action and romance built as the story progressed. The last chapter tied the story up nicely and brought it to a satisfying conclusion.
I feel priveleged to now have been able to see Fanilia's growth as a writer. To look back on this piece from what she is posting now was a startling treat, and it demonstrates exactly what I love to see in writers - a dedication to growth and development in their art.
Technical (grammar, spelling, punctuation, etc.): 6/10
Style of Writing: 5/10
Storytelling Ability: 4/10
Creativity/Unique Idea: 5/10
Enjoyment Rating: 3/10
Overall Rating: 2.3 |
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