   PutMoneyInThyPurse
2007-09-11 . chapter 1"Lynda Weathers nuzzled her husband. He nudged her back, then winced. Even such a small motion made him shudder with pain."
Aw-w-w. I must confess, that as a confirmed h/c'er, I melted at that line.
There are some things I can't say with quotes, so I'll say them here: I really, really love Lynda's tight PoV throughout. Her thoughts, and being inside her head, are superbly done. The pacing, the progression, the division into paragraphs; a perfect little one-shot. And that you started the story with her full name. On my thir reading, I noticed this, and it's great: it really sets the tone for the rest of the story, all about her readction, her view. M-m-m.
"As grateful as she was to Lightning for his kind gesture, sadness and anger filled Lynda’s heart. She knew that Chick Hicks was, at that very moment, gloating over his Piston Cup, giving not the slightest thought to her husband’s pain."
I quite like this line in that it introduces the major players unobtrusively and smoothly.
"Cameras flashed as reporters closed in on her and the King. They shouted questions, “Mr. King, are you alright? Do you have anything to say to your fans? Mrs. Weathers, what is your reaction to the accident? Do you have anything to say to Chick Hicks about his victory?”
Lynda sure didn’t want to answer questions and she knew Strip didn’t either. “Please,” she said. “Can’t you see my husband needs medical help?”
I like the sets of verb-object "cameras flashed", "reporters closed in" and "shouted questions". The cameras flashing make me think of disembodied, inhuman actants, which is the impression you want to convey, and very strong. They really make her feel threatened, as though they are under attack. Her thoughts about them, not wanting to answer questions, and her response, "Please, can't you see..." are very true to life. It's all very realistically done now, and the way you show everything through her eyes is very true to how a wife would be feeling at that moment.
"To her intense gratitude...pushed their way...The police had no qualms about shoving the reporters aside."
I love these three bits. As above. I like the no qualms, implying that she ahd had them. 'Shoving' is a nice verb, too.
“We’re going to take this nice and easy,” said a car who must have been a doctor or paramedic. The ramp was lowered. Strip was very gently pushed into the ambulance. The siren was turned on, and Lynda followed the ambulance out of the stadium. The reporters had to content themselves with shouting questions at her back, questions she completely ignored."
This I love. The faithfulness to the world of Cars, (the ramp-was-lowered bit, put in a separate sentence to make it stronger and give it significance, was perfect) and the rest of it, especially "The reporters had to content themselves with shouting questions at her back". Me, I wouldn't repeat the 'questions', and might cut the coda shorter, but that's just me.
I love this bit: "Her entire attention was focused on her husband’s condition. He was strong, but not as young as he used to be, and it could be much worse than it looked. Lynda had always known the dangers of racing, the reality that every race could be a car’s last. She remembered comforting the Intimidator’s wife, Junior’s mother, after her husband had been killed. Still, she had never really believed such a thing could happen to her and Strip." This is really good - you create a backstory for her that is plausible and believable. The "He was strong, but not as young as he used to be, and it could be much worse than it looked" is very convincing, and I love the "Lynda had always known the dangers of racing, the reality that every race could be a car’s last." I really like that you took the human side of a wife's thoughts and transferred it smoothly to the Cars universe.
I LOVE your Tex. Every word is so him. "It’s a [three-ring, needs hyphen] circus. Reporters everywhere, cops, fans. But Lynda, Strip really done us proud." Ooh, the little grammar error, so Tex! And his character shows in this: "It’s been a great run. This doesn’t take away from that. And if that dirty, low-down Hicks hadn’t rammed him, the King would’ve finished off in second.”...Look how htis sounds just like him. “Victory, maybe, but the fans hate him. He just got booed off the stage when he went to get the cup. The reporters are calling him the most-hated car in racing. And if he thinks he’s getting the sponsorship, he’s crazier than a one-eyed chicken in a pecking contest.”
Giggle. I love him. “Anyway,” Tex continued. “Someone really should go out there and give those people a statement. Do you feel up to it?” A gentleman to the last...“No problem. I’ll go talk to them. Listen, you need anything, just holler.” Very nice echo of what he said to Lightning.
"Almost as soon as [he, of course, not she]left, a blue sedan, apparently a doctor, caught her attention."
I didn't notice the 'she' the first two reads - I was too busy fangirling your blue sedan! Blue sedan=doctor. Conservative, businesslike. I LOVE that you didn't say 'a blue car'. A blue sedan. Sigh.
“Mrs. Weathers?” As if she could be anyone else. (I like it.) She nodded. “Your husband’s going to be ok." (Uhm, it's usually written 'OK' in caps.) The next bit, again, charms me with its af\daptation of human talk to the Cars universe. "There is some engine damage, though, that’s troubling. He will need surgery and extensive body work." *fangirls the extensive bodywork*
And I love this exchange: “Oh, don’t,” he said immediately. “C’mon. It’s not so bad.” She sniffled. “Hey, I always wanted to know what it was like to fly. Though I could’ve done without the hitting the ground part.”
This actually made me laugh! It's really funny. "Done without the hitting the ground part" - snorfle...
"She couldn’t stop crying...He was the hurt one, she thought, yet he’s comforting me. (If you added italics to her thoughts, as you did very effectively after the bar scene, it would improve the sentence.) She forced a smile..." All her inner thoughts are very believable. THeir interchange is loving and sweet and dignified.
OK, now the bar exchange... oh, baby! I really love the way you build up the tension, from the "green Jeep Cherokee" (good choice of make/model) who "wanders" over to her, and how we gradually realize he's not just a fan, btu something more sinister. "Those’re my buddies over there.” He gestured toward a group of rugged-looking cars huddled around a table." Rugged-looking; huddled. Hmm. And then his refusal to take a hint. I like the way you introdice this subtle religious reference "in your thoughts and prayers" - but turning the other cheek is the last thing these bozos have in mind! Great, great original characters, really. Look at this buildup: "She hoped he’d get the message...He didn’t." I think this is where we begin to see him as less than benign. Then "he leaned forward, and said, softly. (and there's the intimation of something ilegal right there) “We’re going to get him, you know. Nobody gets away with that.”
“Excuse me?” she blinked in surprise. (Good reaction.)
“That Chick.” Cable spit out the name. “Nobody beats up on our favorite racer and gets away with it. He’s got a lesson coming. And we’re the ones who’re gonna teach it to him!”
(This whole bit really moves him into the with-firends-like-these category.) He smirked, revealing two broken teeth. A few tables away, his friends erupted into laughter over something. (Scary.)One of them slammed his pint of gasohol (I love you.) on the table and yelled (Mm-hmm.)for another round.
Cable was going on. (I like this, because it really shows he doesn't care that much about her reaction, more about what he is planning in his head. Very thuggish.) “Five of us. One of him. He’s in for a world of hurt.” And Lynda's reaction is very, very much what any of us would do in such a situation: "Lynda glanced around, wondering if anyone could overhear them. No one seemed to be paying any attention...She forced a smile."
And the next bit - her internal struggle - is priceless, really.
"Chick Hicks. The meanest, most down-and-dirty racer on the track. He didn’t care who he hurt as long as he came out ahead. (And of course, this "He didn't care who he hurt" is the main difference between him and her husband, and ultimately is what makes her go tot he cops.) He could have killed Strip. Might well kill another car someday. Would it be so bad for him to be taught a lesson? (Convincing herself, trying to conquer her fears.) She knew it was horrible, but didn’t he deserve to know what it was like to be hurt? Beaten up, like what he had done to her husband? Wasn’t it only fair? After all, they weren’t going to kill him. Or were they? What if things got out of control? He’d fight back, wouldn’t he? If he hurt one of them, there was no telling what the others would do. It would be five against one. No telling what damage they could do to him."
All the question-marks in the paragraph are great. I really feel she's trying to convince herself, talk herself into something.
"This is insane. She thought. Maybe its (it's. It's=it is.)just talk. Just drunken talk, and they don’t mean it."
But the look in Cable’s eyes…(Oh! Again, great car name. And of course, the ellipsis with its promise of menace.)
I like all the back-and-forth of this, the very real sense of her wrestling with her conscience:
"But could she handle turning on the news tomorrow, or the next day, finding out that Chick Hicks was hurt, or worse?...She closed her eyes. She sighed. I hate him, she thought. I hate him so much. Hell with it. Let him get hurt. Let him die, if that’s what’s going to happen!...But she knew she didn’t mean it. As much as she hated him, she did not want Chick Hicks to die. (Again the shift) But the look in Strip’s eyes, the pain…
That’s it. She’d made her decision. She’d live with it. She wouldn’t tell anyone about the conversation. Not before the attack, not after. She wouldn’t even tell her husband."
The last bit, defiant, because she knows she's doing something wrong.
And the change...
I adore the way you give the line to Strip, because it so echoes the advice he gives Lightning at the start: "”That guy just doesn’t get it.” He said. (Oh, one grammar thing: it needs to be "That guy just doesn't get it," he said.) “All he cares about is winning, and now he’s done it dirty and will get no respect. He wanted fame, now everybody hates him. Money? Who’s going to sponsor him? Everybody has problems. But Hicks? He’s truly lost.”
Oh, baby. Every word, and more. And Lynda's visceral reaction is lovely: "She swallowed.
Then "You have no idea[comma] she thought."
She looked at the car on the screen. Saw the confusion in his eyes when the crowd turned on him. {This could be fine as it stands, but I'd prefer "She looked at the car on the screen, saw the confusion in his eyes when the crowd turned on him.") Was he really so obsessed and out-of-touch that he hadn’t expected the crowd’s reaction? (Indeed.) And, could she really imagine his body battered, his frame bent, maybe crushed? (Aww. This is so great, again, bringing human concepts into the Cars universe.) Could she really imagine him hurt, destroyed? .. The powerful thing here is the repetition of "Could she really imagine..." Again, all tehese questions show she's wtrestling with her conscience, but this "Could she really" shows her coming back to her senses. No, she can't really. She never could. It was just the hurt talking.
”Excuse me for a second.” She said.
Strip looked surprised. “Where are you going?”
“Just something I got [I'd prefer 'have', since Lynda strikes me as more refined than Tex. But this is a class judgment, not an actual error. Your call.) to do.”
And the ending, the way she changes her miond, which makes this such a perfect little one-shot:
“Hello,” she said to the operator. “Can you get me the police?” |
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