Man this is interesting, good take on the story, don't cut it into part's that will really be distracting and hard to keep track of. wan't another chapter up soon, keep up the good work

Man this is interesting, look forward to reading more of this

love it perfectly depressing. although a re right where ranma just has amnisa and the tendos already new him would be real cool if yer up for it.

Very interesting shift on things... Ah, the arrogance of the rich... money is power and power corrupts... generally speaking.

Keep writing

ok now were did ryoga come from? still good story, oh and my sugestion, let the amizones have all the kuno's and the hentia squade as presents, atleast those that live, when the story is done. bet they can come up with some really interesting ideas on how to use them for training perposes. bet kuno screams like a little girl.

*Ouch*. Things are getting worse for our heroes. Nice chapter but I got the impression that Kuno is much too powerful.

So This Kuno's a real pimp and a half.

Wonder what would happen iof a little watwer from the Spring of Drowned girl would do to his Bokken-ness?Hm!?!?!?

Just a thought!

;-)

dennisud

Good story. I like all the twist with 2 ranma, keep writing

Honestly, I think you should take a bit more time to release chapters. Give more people time to read and post reviews to help you get more ideas. 2 a day might make readers happy but it also diminishes the quality of the fic.

“Yeah. After a few weeks I decided I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I kept pushing all my emotions down. Friends eventually started to stop talking to me because I stopped showing emotions, I no longer would get happy or sad about something that happened. I didn’t share in their enthusiasm if something good happened to them. The only thing good that came out of it was my grades improved, of course I didn’t show any emotion then either.”

Should be rewritten as :

"Yeah, after a few weeks I decided I couldn't stand it anymore. I started pushing down all my emotions. Friends slowly stopped talking to me because I had grown colder and colder. I became unable to share in their enthusiasm when something good happened. The only positive thing was that my grades improved. Of course, I didn't show any emotion regarding that either."

Or something like that. Sounds much better to me. Not to mention it corrects your grammar issues.

Now regarding Ranko + Nabiki again. While I understand you wish for their relationship to bloom very quickly due to an instant bond, you should have elaborated more on their feelings. Everyone could sense what was happening so there is nothing to hide but you leave the character development rather shallow by leaving out so many details.

You seem to want to pair everyone up. While that isn't necessarily a bad thing... Relationships don't just spontaneously occur and you have little character relationship development. BOOM Nodoka + Soun... BOOM Akane + Ranma... Readers like the development too you know.

Now I'm not saying this fic is bad. But I find that it will only be worth the initial read and no further attention. In the end it comes out as average and leaves no lasting impression. You have the potential, just take the time to relax and hammer out more details. If you want your writing style a certain way then thats fine, leave out any details you want to reveal at a later time. It's actually a popular form of writing, builds suspense and keeps the reader hooked. The problem is you leave out descriptions and details that are crucial to the setting and mood. What goes on in the minds of your characters during these situations? That kind of thing is really what makes the love stories flow.

Keep up your enthusiastic writing. Writing multiple chapters a day is perfectly fine, but wait a few days to publish. If you take the time to read the reviews then reread your works you will find ways to improve and make it all that much better.

I'll keep reading and see what happens. :)

This is a really sweet chapter. I like it.

Interesting story but with quite a few flaws. First, storyline is probably flowing a bit too quickly with little time for actual development. Nabiki + Ranko develop very quickly but I suppose it's possible to hit it off like that so fast. How does the male half know what's happened? Some sort of all knowing clone? Perhaps the male side is trying to protect Ranko and itself which prompted the split? Few other minor plot errors. How is it Nabiki gets raped but not Akane? They were both present and with that many men both would have been taken. Again scenes progressing far too quickly and explainations fly by. Story probably isn't nearly as dark as you want to make it out to be, while the darkness is there it doesn't have any time to take hold and create that ominous feeling of foreboding. I read and it's more like reading a clifnotes summary. Expand your ideas!

I didn' see that one coming. This could be interesting. Great chapter.

I'm enjoying reading this, but there's some points that stick out with me.

The relationship between Nabiki and Ranko is way too fast. BANG, they meet, they like each other. Right away, Nabiki is utterly out of character.

It's not forbidden to take a character out-of-character, but you need to establish a process and a progression. There is no shortcut (short of brainwashing or magical tampering), and not writing that progression is very lazy story telling. Besides, so much of the story is in HOW they chip away at each other's barriers a piece at a time. I'd dedicate at least three or four chapters to that alone.

As for Ranko, I'm not sure if you intend Ranko to actually be Ranma with amnesia, or some other character who is similar to Ranma. If it IS Ranma, you've got the eye color wrong. It's blue, unless you've written it as green on purpose for reasons to be revealed later.

As for the bruises near Ranko's ovaries, no matter how hard they were hit, I don't think that'd destroy them, so Ranko very likely is not sterile. That would definitely hurt like an absolute motherfucker though. If they were hurt so badly that there's still bruises, I'm surprised she's not in CONSTANT agony throughout the day. Ranko would also be walking VERY funny as a guy [chuckle]. Ovaries are the female counterpart to testicles and hurt just as badly, it's just much harder to hit them since they're deep in the body.

Great chapter. But Ranko should have killed the hentai squad.

not bad. I would like longer chapters. You picked a hard plot and situwashion for ranma and cast. hope you keep up the good work.