   Princess Hallie
2007-09-29 . chapter 1Hey, darlin'! I am here to assess and compliment your story. Buckle up, 'cause here I go!
I really enjoyed this chapter, I like the way it introduces the story. Very nice humour incorporated - I especially liked how you seemed to make the perspective even more personal by adding comments in parentheses (mwahaha, it's the fancy word again). The cliff-hanger-like ending gives it a nice edge; it wants to capture the reader's attention in a brief way, not babbling on and losing their attention. The introduction, while some may think too short, seems a very appropriate length to capture your audience. You've got them on the hook - reel them in with a nice juicy chapter next. :D
Now, just a few things you might want to tweak if you ever want to edit this chapter. *Cracks knuckles, stretches* This is where you may want to get comfy, this'll be long.
Let’s start at the beginning. After the few words -that I think is a very nice introduction- at the very beginning, the sentence "Plus every other profanity and insult she could think of towards herself, were the first things that came to mind." starts off the actual story. This sentence works, but I think “And every other profanity or insult that came to mind were her first thoughts”, or something similar, would flow better if reading out loud.
The sentence fragment “dreaming of dashing automail-clad vampires, princes, knights, elves, hell even dragons coming in and sweeping her off her feet, and from her much-too-peaceful country life” seems to be a bit unclear an jumbles. This is where a few semi-colons would make things much more clear, such as “dreaming of dashing automail-clad vampires; princes, knights, elves; hell, even dragons coming in and sweeping her off of her feet, and from her much-too-peaceful country life.” It doesn’t mix things up as much, and just makes clear what you’re trying to say.
“She however, refused to let other’s whispers get to her” just has a few things mixed around in accordance to commas and whatnot. It makes a bit more sense if it reads “She, however, refused to let other’s whispers get to her.”
The ‘too’ in the sentence “with wide blue eyes to complete the package too”, in the fourth paragraph, is unnecessary, in this context. Also, the ‘See,’ in the beginning of the next paragraph doesn’t necessarily need to be there; it seems just an extra word thrown in, and the sentence seems to flow nicely just as “Aside from becoming the best mechanic ever, she had always had this secret goal; having her very own love story (surprise, surprise!).” Going on with that sentence, the period at the end isn’t necessary, because of the exclamation within the parentheses – this, of course, is your own choice, as both ways work.
Just a one word difference in the sentence “She had dreamed since she was a child, but it got to the point where she really did not mind the thought of initiating said love story (Gasps of shock and blasphemy from fellow daydreamers)” would make it flow a little more, changing the ‘but’ to “She had dreamed since she was a child, until it got to the point where she really did not mind the thought of initiating said love story (Gasps of shock and blasphemy from fellow daydreamers)”.
The ‘on’ in the sentence fragment “Don on a black wig and bodysuit…” doesn’t need to be there, only “Don a black wig and bodysuit…” The rest of the sentence just needs a little bit of editing, with an extra comma and hyphen thrown in, and should instead look something like “…and help the cute, good-natured, but terribly bored and caged-up (even more so these days due to threats of assassination being heavier than usual), prince Alphonse Elric -of her beloved Amestris- escape the country.”
The end of the next sentence, “…destination; Eastern country Xing”, just needs to change the semi-colon to a colon, making it “destination: Eastern country Xing”. And perhaps to add a little more context to the next phrase, “Simple, right?” you could just throw in an extra word or two, something like “Seems simple enough, right?”
The sentence “To not be over-cautious like those people who annoyed her, had been a huge mistake” needs to clarify a bit more who exactly these people whom annoy her are. Maybe just throwing in a comma or changing a word can help, making it something along the lines of “To not be over-cautious, as those people who annoyed her were, had been a huge mistake”.
The short paragraph afterward seems pretty good to me. :D
The next paragraph needs a bit of tweaking. The semi-colon seems again in the wrong place, and maybe a few word changes and extra commas are in order, to make it sound a bit more...‘rolling off the tongue’. Maybe some changes, such as this are in order: “However, whilst one was kind and charming -whom she admittedly had a bit of a crush on, but just a bit because as an average country-girl, her goal seemed unattainable with him in the picture-, the other, Edward Elric, was…well…unpleasant and rude, in her humble opinion.”
And the rest seems very nice to me, considering people reading this know FMA and the ponytail statement – otherwise, why would they be reading this? >.>’
But, like I said to you before, never think of this review as full of negative comments; I know you don’t think that way, but I need to reassure myself that I’m not upsetting you. XD You’re a wonderful author, and you should never give up with your writing, even if it’s not what you plan to do in the future. It’s nice to know you want feedback and criticism, as most would take this offensively – I hope you understand it’s all to help you become better as an author, and learn from differences of opinions. And that’s all I have to say. A little long? Maybe. Hope you learn from it and take something about this with you! I’ll gladly do this again, if you’ve found it helpful.
Talk to you later! Love ya!
Hollie (Princess Hallie :D), your love slave. |
 LoneGothic
2007-09-26 . chapter 1Morning, sunshine, and how are you? You're writing again! How long did that take? D:
Alright, an AU story of princes and poor daydreamers that have plans blow up in their faces: I like. Winry just doesn't seem to have things go her way, does she? How she'll handle Ed, the 'unpleasant and rude' one, I don't know. It better involve threatening and wrenches though. :D That's just one that cannot be changed, AU or not AU.
Er, just a few spelling mistakes, and that's it. Also, because it's an odd quirk to make the female all petite and innocent and airheadedly, stupidly naive, yay to Winry still retaining her automail awesomeness! She's gonna use it to outsmart dear Ed, isn't she? x3
Wins. :D |
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