   Lady Spritzy
2008-10-08 . chapter 10Alrighty, then, it’s review time.
(Bad stuff first, because that way you’ll stick around for the complements at the end.)
First and foremost: You need to desperately fix up grammar and spelling. Word keeps whining at me while I read this, and I’m personally too lazy to check it over. Hell, I’ll check it for you.
Secondly, your Mary Sue/shameless and not-veiled-at-all self-insertion character is making me want to bash my head against the wall. I’m surprised I read as much as I have, considering this is the kind of stuff I used to write when I was five (fyi, I’m sixteen now).
Third, Reala’s written wrong. He seems more like a cocky little schoolboy trying on his father’s clothes than a subordinate who has been betrayed by his equal and is pushed hard by his master. I suggest reading Reala’s Pride by TheNightDragon- It’ll make you love the poor Maren. (Also, my little short think Broken is meant to be my interpretation of Reala’s mindset, but don’t read it if you don’t want- I’m trying to avoid shameless advertisement, but that’s failing epically.)
Fourth, -and this really bothered me, because Meliasa’s just like this- but Wizeman doesn’t use contractions when he speaks. He’s very scholarly when he speaks, living up to his name. Sagacious and evil- that pretty much sums up the Lord of Nightmares. Also, when you say you’re unsure how Wizeman’s speaking, please note, he’s got a mouth!
Fifth, you sometimes skip from past tense to present, and that’s sometimes hard to keep it as one or the other sometimes. For the most part, you should stick to past, since it’s easier to write, and sometime novices get it mixed up and confused. Work on your writing, then try past. (Hint, I’ve learned present tense is easier to do when you’re in first person.)
Sixth, some of the situations are slightly confusing or odd, like the idea of a Nightmaren being a sovereign of Nightopia is a little strange. I figure it’ll be explained later, but for right now, it’s a little unusual is all.
Seventh, the whole NiGHTS having a love interest feels a little off to me for three reasons- 1) NiGHTS is more like the good friend that’ll bail you out of jail (or in the cell with you, for that matter) than like a lover. 2) NiGHTS is in love with one of your own characters, which in fan fiction, is more of a repellent than an attraction. 3) NiGHTS technically has no gender. While you can write the purple Nightmaren either way, NiGHTS has always struck me as feminine, what with the pink-and-purple outfit, and the female voice actress.
Eighth, I can understand that you’re trying to make creative and interesting sentences, but sometimes they just get a little awkward and confusing. Don’t worry, even some people my age have problems with that. (Hell, so do I sometimes- no one’s perfect, and it takes loads of revision.)
Lastly, the speech is really corny, I’m not going to lie on that one. Every time Reala speaks, I can hear Vlad Plasmius’ voice ringing in my ears. Yes, I know JoD was cheesy, but this is even higher on the cheesy scale.
By your writing I can tell you’re either upper elementary school, or lower middle school. I’m not going to go off the text that you’re nine, since that was written quite the while ago, but younger girls all have done stories like this at one point or another (myself included, so don’t think I’m just trying to lay into you, I’m trying to help you improve, since I’ve pulled this crap before, and that’s all it was- crap.). I can also tell by the way you write that you either read/watch lots of Japanese media. There’s nothing wrong with that- I have my own bookshelf full of mangas at home. But it’s really prevalent, so much that it detracts from the writing.
However- the story is interesting. Make it clearer, and it’ll be even more so. You’re obviously very imaginative and creative- I’ll not deny that. As I’ve said, the obvious Mary Sue character burns a little bit, but I’d expect that from someone around 4th-8th grade, especially a female (assuming you’re not lying on your profile.) To be honest, I’m fairly interested to see what happens next. So, please, take my advice as you will, don't think I'm just trying to be a **- in fact, I'm trying to become an author when I'm older- and I'm here to help. E-mail me if you want me to beta- I'd love to be of assistance. |
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