Reviews for SubCulture - FanFiction.Net

Reviews For: SubCulture

Laura Barton 2008-04-02 ch 2,	abuseThis chapter was quite good. I liked the action scene and the sense that I got from the chapter. I don't quite know what that sense is, but it suits the chapter and works nicely. Though, I would have liked to see this "code 13", or at least have seen more of its consequences. As it is, you imply that Zoicyte is beaten up or exhausted because of it, but you don't give any details. I like the aspect of the murder and that we're trying to figure out who did it. I don't entirely understand why the generals took up investigation of it, but it was interesting all the same. Some of the grammar issues I noticed in this chapter are ones I noticed in the previous chapter (the colon and semi-colon use and other punctuation things), so I won't repeat them all. -Police believe that the 22-year-old woman was stabbed to death as she returned home at 11:30 pm- Here, "pm" should be written as "p.m." because it's an acronym. What it means, I don't know, but because it's an acronym, there should be dots between the letters. -She added: ‘Officers from Tokyo Police are making a number of enquiries to establish the circumstances surrounding this woman’s death.- Colon use is odd here. Also, rather than "enquiries" you want "inquiries". -“In any case, Jedite must start with the night watch while I get inside the Police Department and check the body for anything that might be not quite human”- Why must Jedite start with the night watch? Here, I'm questioning the "must", as in, he has to do it. I think the use of "must" here is odd, and would instead go for something like "can". Unless there is a reason that it has to be Jedite, in which case, you should tell the reader what that is. -Neflyte just looked at her and nodded softly in approval, somehow, that little display had earned her a point towards his respect.- After approval, I would use a semi-colon. The comma, in my opinion, is strange there and doesn't work. The semi-colon would break the sentence up more nicely. -“And there’s more to him that I’ll ever know”- Instead of "that", you want the word "than". -Not that they suspected anything about that strange woman walking down to the morgue: her I.D. was visible over the pocket of her lab coat.- Instead of the colon, I'd use the semi-colon here. I'm not sure that the colon is wrong, I just think the semi-colon would make more sense and the sentence would flow better. -“Mademoiselle, sil vou plait, je ne suis pas marié”- This should be written, "Mademoiselle, s'il vous plaît. Je ne suis pas mariée." I'll explain why if you like, but that's getting into French grammar, and that's a whole different thing from English. -“Entrée, la dame, ne laissent pas les cadavres vous intimider”- "Entrez, la dame. Ne laissez pas les cadavres vous intimider." -“Merci, Se vous plus tard”- I'm not sure what you're trying to say here... The "se" is what is throwing me. -The body of Rui Saionji didn’t look quite as damaged as Zoey would have thought; in fact, most of her wounds weren’t lethal.- Zoey? Is that a nickname for Zoicyte? If so, I think it should be said somewhere rather than just having us assume. -She couldn’t tell, but the ‘Ice King’ was even willing to beg on his knees before loosing her.- This should be "losing" instead of "loosing". Lose and loose are two different words. -He braced himself against the doorframe, knowing he had it coming didn’t make things any easier.- Instead of a comma, I'd use a semi-colon. -“We must be over there in about ten minutes”- Again, the use of "must" is odd. Here I would definitely use "can" instead of "must". -“When was the last time we did a 13?” Neflyte asked to Malachite.- "Neflyte asked Malachite." The "to" is completely unnecessary there. -“I don’t think these kids had ever performed one” he carelessly pointed at Jedite and Zoycite.- Rather than "had", "have" should be here instead. -“The tyres belong to an Italian car, a sports Italian car”- Two things. First, "tires" is the correct spelling. Secondly, I think it would sound better if you said "an Italian sports car", perhaps even italicizing the word "sports" for impact. -Ace sighed, a little to upset for Zoycite’s taste- Here you want "too".
Laura Barton 2008-03-23 ch 1,	abuseAll right. Sorry it took me so long to get to this. I had hoped to get to it earlier in the week, but I haven't had the time. Also, just a warning, this review is going to be really, really long. I just hope it all posts since I don't know if there's a limit to how much you can put in a review. If it doesn't all post just let me know and I'll send a message. First off, I like the idea that the original battles between them were all an elaborate plan. It's an interesting idea, and one I never would have thought of. It is admittedly a little odd that Zoycite is portrayed as female here since I'm so used to Zoycite being a male now, but it wasn't too difficult to fall back into believing Zoycite to be a woman. When I was younger and watching the American dub of Sailor Moon, I always thought Zoycite was a girl (I'm not sure whether that was actually their intention or not), so when I learned Zoycite is supposed to be a man it was a big shocker. I like the fact that you have a lot of description of what they're doing and how they're acting, but I think there could be more description of the setting. Even just simple things like the weather or the layout of a room. I also think that Mars/Rei comes off a little too angry in the beginning. I understand that she would be angry, but I don't think she'd be quite that angry. Instead, I think she'd be more guarded and wary of him. A lot happens in this chapter. It almost seems like too much too quickly. You go into details about some things, but then others you kind of skim over it and it feels like we didn't get anything from it. Like when the Generals and the Scouts met up; you just kind of said that they talked for a while and then left. But what did they talk about? Why not show us this dialogue? I just think it would make it more interesting. I believe you said English is your second language? Well, you have a very good command of it. Most of the things I spotted were punctuation related. The rest of the grammar is very well done and your use of words was nice. There were only a few phrases that confused me, which you'll see as you continue in this review, but otherwise it was good. -Just as he thought, the old man looked at hi as if he were a ghost.- Here it should be 'the old man looked at him', though you have 'hi'. I'm guessing that's just a little typo. -"Mr. Hino" He said trying to sound as normal as possible "I suppose?"- What I have to say next applies to all dialogue, but I'll just use this one as an example. With the dialogue, you need punctuation. So instead it should be something like, "Mr. Hino," he said, trying to sound as normal as possible, "I suppose?" In addition to the needed punctuation within the quotation marks, you'll notice that I added a comma after possible. There needs to be some sort of punctuation in parts like that, too. Also, there is no need to capitalize the next word after the dialogue unless it's of course a name or a title. -“I’ve come all the way from Mumbai, and I really need a place to stay, you see, my grandfather used to be the high priest of a temple just like this, back in India and he told me that if I ever found myself in Tokyo, I could always come to your temple for shelter Mr. Hino”- Again, need for punctuation at the end of the quote there, but my main issue with this is that it's a really big, run on sentence, meaning that it just keeps going and going when it should have been divided up more. Instead, this part should be more like, "I've come all the way from Mumbai and I really need a place to stay. You see, my grandfather used to be the high priest of a temple just like this back in India. He told me that if I ever found myself in Tokyo, I could always come to your temple for shelter, Mr. Hino." There are also many other run on sentences like this one, so it's something that you should watch out for. -“Tough I’d rather hire some pretty girls, there’s always work to do around here… What you said your name was?”- Here, rather than 'tough', it should be 'though'. Might just be a typo. -I’ve forgotten just how comfortable these were he thought and laid on the bed.- Okay, since I can't italicize in comments, this may be a little harder to show you. Anyway, keep in mind that the first part is supposed to be italicized since it's a thought. What I have to say here is that there needs to be a comma in between his thoughts and actually saying 'he thought'. So, it should be "I've forgotten just how comfortable these were, he thought and laid on the bed." -He knew, for experience, that life in a temple started quite early in the morning and it would be wise to get some sleep.- It would make more sense here to say "He knew from experience" rather than "for experience". -A knock in the door changed his plans when he was face to face with an extremely angry black haired girl.- It should be, "A knock on the door" rather than "A knock in the door". -It was past dusk and the both of them were sitting on the stairs, He had changed into his Negaverse uniform and she was still wearing her fuku.- Here you could do one of two things. Either you need to change the first comma to a period (the comma before 'he') or you could type it as, "It was past dusk and both of them were sitting on the stairs; he had changed into his Negaverse uniform and she was still wearing her fuku." -As for the other Sailors, well, he wasn’t actually connected to anyone else, so he couldn’t tell what was exactly going through their minds; but by the look on their faces Luna was going to have the hell of a time clearing up the truth to them.- Here, instead of the semi-colon (;), I would use a comma instead. A semi-colon is more used to join two fragmented (incomplete) sentences (usually that have some relation to each other) or to list things, though more for the first than the second. -Jedite knew few to none details about the training mission: it had been his and Zoycite’s training as well.- I feel here the wording is a bit odd and the colon (:) use is weird. Rather, I would suggest saying, "Jedite knew next to no details about the training mission since it had been his and Zoycite's training as well." I just think it would make more sense that way. -Malachite had told them that it had been a job hired by Artemis, and quite a shock it had been to find out he was just a white cat; the orders had been to set up a mission that appeared authentic to both the Sailor Scouts and the Generals in training, preparing them both for any situation they might have, but more important, to get all the inner Sailor Scouts together before any real enemy could reach them.- Again, another run on sentence. Instead of the semi-colon, I would put a period there and then the next part is a new sentence. -They argued for what it seemed like ages, but he found himself quite amused just watching their reactions: Mercury, as always tried to be reasonable and keep calm among her friends; The girl he was told to be Jupiter was just holding Sailor Moon, who cried and whined as usual, And Mars paced around while occasionally directing murderous glances at him.- Here I think the colon use is odd and the way of formatting the rest is strange, too. "They argued for what seemed like ages, but he found himself quite amused just watching their reactions. Mercury, as always, tried to be reasonable and keep calm among her friends. The girl he was told to be Jupiter was just holding Sailor Moon, who cried and whined as usual. Mars paced around while occasionally directing murderous glances at him." I think it would be better that way and make more sense. I also find it a little odd that this would send Sailor Moon into a crying fit. I don't quite understand why she would cry about it except that maybe it's because she was lied to. -“That sounds like n internal affair of the Negaverse” Artemis narrowed his eyes thoughtfully “It has nothing to do with us”- Again punctuation, but also it should be "That sounds like an internal". -That’s until they’ve known them for a week “as far as I know you would have reacted a lot better had it been Neflyte instead of me…”- I think here you meant "That's until they've known him for a week." As it is with "them" it doesn't make sense. Also, "as" should be capitalized since it's the beginning of a sentence. -“We’ll help you” Said finally Sailor Venus- here, I feel it would make more sense to say, "Sailor Venus finally said" or "said Sailor Venus finally". -“By the way, considering the current circumstances; I believe there’s no call for uniforms”- Here use a comma instead of a semi-colon. The semi-colon doesn't make sense. Think of it this way, when you want to use a semi-colon ask yourself 'Could the two parts of the sentence stand alone?' Like with this one, it wouldn't make much sense to say, "By the way, considering the current circumstances. I believe there's no call for uniforms." The second part definitely could stand by itself as a sentence, but the first part wouldn't make much sense by itself. -“I told him the truth, a little bit mixed up but the truth. I did, in fact, came here from Mumbai and my grandfather did use to run a temple”- Rather than "came", it should be "come". -“We all joined the Negaverse when we turned 18, up to that time I was just a regular kid, living with my grandfather in Mumbai, I even went to school and all those things”- This one's a run on sentence, too. "We all joined the Negaverse when we turned 18. Up to that time, I was just a regular kid living with my grandfather in Mumbai. I even went to school and all those things." That would make more sense. -It was something well known among the Negaverse Generals, at least among the four in service Of Queen Beryl, that there were certain subjects out of limits of any conversation; Jedite’s parents was one of them: probably the only secret he really had, not that there were that many secrets between them; after that many years of being a team, they had eventually grown to know each other quite well. Sometimes Jedite thought there might be something like friendship among them; of course they wouldn’t get along most of the time, even if they weren’t as loud as Zoycite and Neflyte, He knew Malachite and himself had their own animosity.- This one has a lot of odd punctuation in my opinion. In the first sentence, as well, I would remove the word "something" and "of" doesn't need a capital. After the word "conversation" I would use a period. Instead of the colon in the next part, I would say "Jedite's parents was one of those subjects and probably the only secret he really had." Then I would continued, "Not that there were that many secrets between them; after that many years of being a team, they had eventually grown to know each other quite well." Next, instead of the semi-colon, I would put in "but" and after Neflyte should be a period. -Some kids were playing by the lake while their mothers watched nearby; the group of ladies looked not much older than her, maybe a couple of years or so, all of them seemed to be housewives whose life revolved around their children.- The semi-colon is unnecessary here. Instead, just put a period and the next part is a new sentence. -Her green eyes lighted up a bit and she searched her bag for her camera.- Rather than "lighted" (since that's not a word) it should be "lit". "Lit" is the past tense of the verb "light". -Thinking about photographs, it had been a long time since she had taken a spontaneous picture; mainly because there weren’t many things to photograph in the Negaverse, and mainly because her schedule rarely left her anytime to wander around Earth Realm.- Again, rather than a semi-colon, I would put a period and make it a new sentence afterwards. -“I thought you’d quitted”- "Quit" is the past tense of "quit". Also, I think it would make more sense to say, "I thought you quit." -All of a sudden she wondered how the past four years might have affected those girls, maybe even more than anybody from their generation; these girls are marked and for the first time since she had met them, Zoycite felt a kind of sympathy for them.- All right, so with this one, after "generation" I would put a period. "These girls are marked" is a thought, so I would also leave that separate from the rest of the next sentence. Instead, I suggest, "For the first time since she met them, Zoycite felt a kind of sympathy for them." -Before proceeding any further, They had to find a suitable place to establish their headquarters; Neflyte’s manor had been discarded immediately, the official explanation had been that it was too ostentatious and prone to be revealed, Zoycite knew that the actual reason was that Malachite preferred to use a place of his own, rather than feel indebted to any of his underlings.- Semi-colon would be better as a period and after "revealed" I would also make that a period, too. -It was not that she disliked the place or anything like that; but recently Zoycite had been pondering a lot in whether their relationship was going anywhere.- Making the semi-colon a comma would make more sense to me. -She knew it would take more than one simple argument for Malachite to give in and make some serious changes to their current state; but at least she had made her move for the night.- Again, a comma instead of the semi-colon would make more sense. -“Specially if you are talking about a lady”- Rather than 'specially', it should be "especially", unless you're wanting him to kind of speak in slang, then you'd put it like. "'Specially if you are talking about a lady." See, there I added a single quotation mark (') before the word to show that it was missing something from it. -Suddenly, she appeared from around the corner: red locks framing a pretty face and the graceful movement of her body as she walked down the street… hand in hand with a boy about her age.- Instead of the colon, here I suggest a comma again. -But revealing such weakness might be even more dangerous that you’ll ever know.- "That" should be "than". -He walked into the living and noticed the photographs still lying on the coffee table.- It would make more sense to say "He walked into the living room" or "living area". -Not that he did it on a regular basis; he could make a pack last for almost a year: addiction was a luxury he couldn’t afford.- Instead of the colon, I suggest writing it like this, "Not that he did it on a regular basis; he could make a pack last for almost a year since addiction was a luxury he couldn't afford." -Of course, the Queen and her council immediately turned their eyes to him, who had commanded the successful training mission four years ago, and, of course, he felt obliged to volunteer his team for the task.- Instead of "obliged" I think you meant "obligated". Obliged means more that you'd be happy to do something. Obligated means you feel that you have to do it. -Absently, he touched his temple, feeling a faint scar: an imperceptible circular mark, product of a machine burning his skin, more than twenty years old.- Rather than the colon, here I would use the semi-colon. -Malachite disappeared the smoke and turned to face the auburn haired General, somehow relieved to be around a well known comrade.- I'm not sure what you meant here by "Malachite disappeared the smoke". Do you mean he threw the cigarette away? Or that he waved his hand to clear the smoke? -“The main difference between me and you, is that I cover my problems with lies, while you just deny them.- The comma after "me and you" doesn't make sense. There should be no punctuation there. -He walked into the apartment early in the morning; a faint smell of tea emerged from the kitchen, where she stood in her underwear with a mug between her hands, her hair falling loose down to her waist: a vision to him, pretending to be absorbed reading a book, laid on the counter beside the tea pot, just to ignore the fact that he had been out the whole night.- I would use a comma instead of a semi-colon after "morning". Also, instead of the colon, I'd change that to a period and make the next part a new sentence, but I think a little rewording is in order for it to make sense. However, I'm not quite sure what you mean by "a vision to him". Like I said, it's a long review. I hope I've been able to help and that it all makes sense, but feel free to ask questions if it doesn't and I'll try to explain better. I'll also get to reading the next chapters when I have the chance. =)
usagiharuka 2007-12-26 ch 4,	abuseMORE,MORE PLEASE THIS IS GREAT!
Slothspieller 2007-10-28 ch 1,	abuseThis is a great start to a story with much potential! The action flowed smoothly and the descriptions really helped set the scene. Although I was an obsessive fan of SM and the Negaverse/Dark Kingdom years ago, this fic really brought back fond memories of my favorite SM villians! Even though I actually like yaoi/shonenai, I always preferred Zoycite as a female, since she proved that an cool tough anime lady doesn't need to have a figure like Lara Croft. (Heck, Zoycite's about the only anime character who comes close to Dietrich when it comes to coolness...)
Tanzanite 2007-10-12 ch 1,	abuseProblem with the scene divisions fixed! gosh, I hate when does such things!
Key and WolfStar-SCA 2007-10-12 ch 3,	abuseNot bad. Again, putting in scene brakes would be helpful, perhaps even a bit of a lead up from scene to scene to give the readers an idea of what to expect rather then just jumping into the conversation. You might also think of describing their particular choices in fashion or even get more detailed in gestures and body language. I know it can be hard if you're not accustomed to it, or if it's just not your way of writing, but you can say an amazing amount about a person just by how they dress and little things they do. I see several attempts at it through the story, several moments where you do add in some more details, but there are also long stretches where you lack all indication beyond just naming the speaker. Taking a bit of time to really discribe the clothes and scenery can really help to paint in the readers minds a view of what's going on. Just little things to help build how you see your characters. Like when at home, does Nephrite dress in clothes casual to Earth like he always wore when around town in the anime? Or does he prefer his uniform, like he was always seen during the show? Or perhaps he favours a more casual style native to the Dark Kingdom? If it's the last one, then what exactly do you see that being? Kunzite, I beleive, you said wears his uniform while at home? What about Zoisite? And what about when they're out of the house? Do they always wear the same outfits they wore when the Senshi met them again for the first time? And what about their living arangements? Being that you said what furniture (or lack there of) fills Nephrite's home, what sort fills the unmarried couple? And for Jadeite, he obviously has to wear the shinto uniform while working at the shrine, but what about other times? Does he like the uniform? Is it comfortable for him or does he find it cumbersom? These are just a few questions that may help. As for Ace, I'm supposing it's the same Kaitou Ace? I'm not sure cause you gave him a different last name and I was always under the impression that he was the same age, or even younger then Zoisite... I have some pictures of him if you'd like. Anyway, over all it's a very inturesting story, one final note to the story plot itself, seeing as you went to the trouble of sending them to Earth and having them contact the Senshi, you might want to include more of them in the story. I'm not saying romantically, that's your own choice, and I know that you only have three chapters out and all that, and you have dropped some nice little hints at things that may come, however I feel that they're being rather ignored by you in the effort to stop the enemy from attacking their world. A few things you could plosibly indulge in is where are the Outter Senshi? Uranus and Neptune especially would probably have a lot to say about an unknown enemy from an unknown location thretening their Princess, and even more to say about accepting the aid of ex-enemies from another universe. They'd probably insist that the enemy is either working with or one and the same as the ex-enemy. What efforts to find out the plans are the Inners doing? Is Ami scanning around on her mini computer? Is Rei doing fire readings? What about Makoto and Minako? How are they contributing? Usagi avoids contributing if she can help it, but what about when she can't? What about her relationship with Mamoru? In both the continuety of the anime and the manga, she would be engaged to him at this point. They get married when she's... 21 I believe? And she's pregnant with Chibi-Usa right away. Speaking of Chibi-Usa, are you going to have her make an appearace? If so, how will the Shitennou take to the time traveling Princess? Will they adore her? Hate her? Ignore her? How will she take to them? A good option would be for you to have something of a "girls day out" when the Senshi descover the problems Zoisite is having with Kunzite. It would be in character for Minako to suggest such a thing, that's how she delt with Usagi when her and Momaru were having troubles, and how herself and Makoto deal with lack of boyfriends all the time. And where fun is to be had, Usagi will jump right in, and insist that Rei and Ami aren't left behind even if they want to be. You could use the instance to explore more of who Zoisite is for the readers, as well as give both her and the Senshi a different view on who the other is, a different context so to speak, she may even make friends. With her running to the Hino shrine to avoid her problems with Kunzite, it wouldn't take long for one of the other members of the household to notice her coming by. How would she take to Grandpa Hino's leacherous ways? And where oh where is Yuuichirou? What is his take to Jadeite? And more particularly, his growing closeness to Rei? How would he take to Zoisite's coming to crash in Jadeite's room? and for that matter, if Jadeite's always out all night looking for the enemy and working at the shrine all day, when does he sleep? Oh jeez, this is getting long... Ok, I'll cut it off here. Feel free to contact me to chat. Shade and Sweet Water Keysha
Key and WolfStar-SCA 2007-10-12 ch 1,	abuseMain problem I see in this chapter is the lack of indication as to where one scene ends and the next begins. it would make reading much smoother if you went in and put in the break lines... other then that, not bad. Going on to read the next chapter now... Shade and Sweet Water Keysha

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