Dude, that was really awsome...again..lol. I'm so ready to read the other chapters. I'm totally a fan of your work...lol. Keep it up! Oh and I think its awsome that Herbert likes RE4 lol.

Great chapter, I loved the bar scene. It was very creative. Can't wait for more, keep it up.

It's a good story with some good ideas behind it, but I was too distracted by the way it was written to get fully submerged. This is going to be an honest critique not with the intent to be mean, but to help.

First, make sure you stick to a single verb tense. The standard is talking as if events were in the past, which is fine, but using the present tense can also create for some interesting narratives. However, be careful not to use both in a story. Switching back and forth between them, especially in a single sentence, is very jarring.

My second suggestion is the narrative itself. The story is written as if you were telling it to me while we were sitting on a bus. It's a little too casual, referring to the reader too often and taking us out of the atmosphere. To keep your reader immersed in the story, they have to forget that they're reading which is really hard to do when the author keeps reminding them. In some cases, this can be used effectively, but it's very hard to do it well and I've only seen it used successfully by the masters.

Next, I recommend reviewing the vocabulary used. Make sure to not use terms and expressions that are too casual or common. For example, describing someone as "emo-style" is not a reference that everyone will understand and again, it sounds a little too casual.

On the structure of the paragraphs, make sure that each paragraph represents one idea. I noticed that you would often start a paragraph with a description, but then go into action, or vice-versa. If you start to describe something, it's best to continue along in the vein until it leads into action. Another solution is to have the action create the descriptions, if you understand.

Finally, be careful not to repeat yourself. Your sentences have a tendency of being a little too long for comfort, repeating the same thing in different until the end. Shorter sentences often make for a clearer, easier read.

Regarding the content of the story itself, you definitely have the right frame of mind for frightening elements! Just be sure the way it's written doesn't distract the reader from the actual story itself.

I hope this helps!

Excellent story. I can't wait to see what happens next, meaning that I really do hope you turn it into a series. I've read a lot of Silent Hill fics and this is one of the better ones. I only have a few suggestions. Sometimes your past and present tenses are a little mixed, and you use the same words several times throughout the story. For example, I saw "ominous" two-three times. Other than that, keep up the good work ^^

Very Good, I look forward to the series. keep it up.