You gotta make this story a little more cheerful :P

And you better not kill Ash or May in the ending! (Kill Max, nobody likes him anyway, or even better DREW!)

This story is really good, keep it up!

whoa this story is getting really interesting...
will the prophecy change again over time?
please update soon cuz im adding this to my fave stories list!

heres some good surenames fur Dawn
Dawn Berlitz
Dawn Valentine

I gotta say that was pretty good. Sorry for not reviewing like earlier. I really like the plot Jb. I love how far fetched and crazy it all is. Don't worry, you are no where near as sadistic as I am. I also liked all the emotion mixtures I saw.

great story, i hope u do write more! I cant wait until the next chapter comes out, plz write it soon im v impatient.

This story is epic win. EPIC WIN! So far, the story is basically an extension of what happened in Pokemon 20, right? And all these plot twists are making my head spin. Keep it up, and update soon! XD!

~Pikachu247

Man jb ur crazy
ash crys too much
and whats with the interlocking tongue thing?
did you make up the prophecy? it was awesome.
I mean the prophecy, not the tongue thing
PS I changed my name so u dont know me, but im the loud guy upstairs.

You seem to like death and rapes...and fathers who are a "Team Something" leader...still good though.

More of a Pokeshipper but I was bored and this is a good story :D

They have Kohls in the POkemon World? o.O

YAY! Fameshipping! (Dawn and Max) One of my favorites!

You used the prophecy from Pokemon 20. Nice.

YAY!
TWO of my favorite Ash shippings! (the others including ability and alto shipping)

:O Dawn...

Kiss?

o.O Step brother... Ash?

D: Half sister... Jesse!

Max... traitor?

woah, Wooah, WOAH!

Okay, I finally got time to read the whole of your fic - though my eyes hurt for staring at the screen for far too long. xD

Well, it was quite rushed, especially the parts that were of great ...augh, word loss here. But yeah, I guess I’m trying to say that one part I was getting it, then something comes up, I get lost, then realisation, then I let out a big mental shout...something along the lines of: WOAH!

Justly, I think the pace should slow a bit.

Another thing, sisters DO NOT kiss their brothers - even in times of trauma. That, is just... (shudders) a bit farfetched. No offense though.

Alas, everything else is great. ^^ The shippiness is awesome, though don’t get too carried away by making it a bit too shippy. Oh, and kudos for making Ash abusive... I've always loved fics with reference of that side of him... lawl. xD

Keep Writing, Sayonara,

~:DragonKeeper:~

P.S. In the seventh chapter (if I recollect properly) there’s a part that is in desperate need of correction. Sorry, it’s just I tend to giggle when the statement is partially serious.

“...I got a feeling that Ash is right in saying he wants to be Dawn’s sister figure.”

I think you meant “...I got a feeling that Ash is right in saying he wants to be Dawn’s brother figure.” Lol ^^ Just in case someone else starts to giggle as much as I do. ;) Good luck~! x3

O.O

O.O

stil...

O.O

What...
A lot of stuff packed in there surely, altough I was confused as some portions admitedlly.It was a bit Too much too fast. Interaction was alright, as was some of the switching beetween the different scenes here. But The only advice I'd give you is to take some time, and make sure that some of the key scenes don't progress too fast, so that people can take a look at what's actually happening

YOu have great ideas, it's just that their impact lasts for a second, and then vanishes. Change the pace, make sure that you constantly describe things i.e.

'When Ash asked her, Dawn, who was in a serious mood, all of a sudden, got very teary-eyed and leaped up on Ash'

The words slowly made their way through Dawn, as she began to realise all that Ash had just said to her. She had everything torn right away from her as she could still feel the great loss of her mother encapsulating her heart. Now the void was slowly beginning to fill up. She felt tears once again return into her eyes, as the words slowly repeated themselves in her head, within a split second.

Dawn felt tears fall from her eyes as they filled her with warmth from the great cold that had grown inside of her, ashe vision became slightly blurry.

In an instant Dawn leapt and derw Ash into an embrace, as she felt the warmth of a family once again.
-
A bit over the top and not really in the POV that you were writing in, but it's just a little suggestion. With a little thing I just wrote, it's not really all that perfect or polished, but just there to help. If it can :-/

BUt from past experience I know that this story'll get better as it goes on.

and if it's possible You'll get more ideas, You've gone to some of the extremes here. Stuff I would have never tough of.

Ever.

Ever.

Ever.

and the O.O that was for well... Ash was Self harming O.O
Never expected that. Never

Hope the next update dosn't take as long, and sorry for the long drabble, that took up the reviews page :P

and now I vanish...