  You'veBeenJayed
2007-11-09 . chapter 2 Sorry, but I thought your first chapter was much better. Don't get me wrong, this was a good chapter, but I'm just saying...Anyway, it's still pretty good either way, so continue! :D
~Otto Rulez~ |
 Darkroot
2007-10-22 . chapter 1You accept criticism? Now, just so you know, there'll be a lot of praise, and some criticism.
The plot itself is interesting, to say the least. I once thought of doing a story about a more mature SRMTHG world, but I never started it.
Putting a twist of realism on the show, especially after a prominent character's death, is a unique idea. I've certainly never seen this before.
Your organization is good. Individual paragraphs! Structured dialogues!
Your style is dramatic, given the settings, and it drew me in. Perhaps it as affective as a clincher as an action show's fanfiction usually is, but the dark tone given off and the mellow, almost apathetic emotions from Antauri are very fascinating.
As for the writing itself, I notice your struggle with past and present tenses, which I'll explain later.
Now, as for the beginning, the line where you say shivers ran down Antauri's back really got me. Seeing Antauri with discontent is actually disturbing, because you just know something has to be horribly wrong. As for his actions... I'm not positively sure that he would contemplate suicide. Actually, nevermind. I think he would if he started to feel empty without Chiro's spirit, but I don't think he'd go farther than making it stray from his mind.
Well, after all, this is a twist on the plot, and who knows? This is certainly bad news if the heart of the team is bleeding on the inside.
Another thing. If he's fully mechanical, he can't have blood. Unless the blood is really something else, but you just called it blood because that's what it is to Antauri.
This part is very interesting, and I'm sure Chiro's death would impact Antauri hard enough to where he couldn't help but blame himself.
As for Nova's debut, I like this twist also, even though a cat-monkey hybrid weirds me out. Nova/Cat-man (Tiqudo, Tiquido or something) is certainly a less-appreciated ship simply meant to irritate Sprx. As for whether Nova would ever choose Tiqudo over Sprx, we can't really no unless we know all the full details in the past war.
The part where you explained how Sprx and Nova sort of lost their flare in their relationship also weighs me down. I'm pretty sure that comment about Sprx flirting with other girls probably hurt him worse than he let on.
Gibson burying himself in his work is understandable, and it's heart-breaking that his friendship with Otto deteriorated.
Sprx drinking alcohol is intriguing, but I'm not entirely sure if he would drink. He seems more like the guy to either try to help bring up the spirits or back off into seclusion.
As for Jinmay's way to ATTEMPT to ease the pain, it's sort of odd given her usual depiction as the angelic robot, but it gives a new light to her.
Otto's situation is what I enjoyed the most. Seeing him go insane with depression is very hard, but he's usually trying to mask his emotions with denial.
The repetition of the chapter's title can be easily caught on, but an interesting device to use.
Sadly, I'm in a hurry, but here are a few pointers.
-at the beginning, change "fault" to "fought."
-Look at your tenses closely. You tend to forget to add -ed to the end.
-Some sentences run together, like "Closing his eyes ignoring the busy sounds outside." It's sort of awkward.
Anyway, it's mostly interesting, a different take, and definitely worth exploring!
Good luck! |
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