  catc10
2009-08-24 . chapter 24 ...WOW.
I spent some time rifling sort of randomly through various TF fan-stuffs and ran across this fiction, and read the entire thing across most of today, save when I had to take my sister to the doctor, and lemmie say: Mother Damn.
It took all of three chapters with Alexis in them for me to realize that she was a Mary Sue, although a cleverly written one, and far better than she could have been. But even with such a terrible occurance, I couldn't stop reading, because you did what VERY FEW fanfiction authors have EVER DONE. You've written a story where every chapter had a point, and could suck readers in.
These were the problems I saw: A bit TOO MANY uses of "More than meets the eye," phrasing. Yes, it was an important part of the cartoon, but reading this all in one go, it was a bit much. The romances between Alexis and Starscream, and Jade and Skyfire began a bit too abruptly. Once established they were very well written, and the first time either pair kissed, I will admit to swooning a bit, but the actual development stage was barely there. (This was especially the case between Sky and Jade.) Also, while the pairings were romantic, I honestly did not understand or feel where their chemestries came from. It was there, but almost flawed in it's simplicity in the face of such great characterization of Sam and Mikaela. Also, I didn't see any addressment of the issue of age between the couples, the Cybertronians are MILLIONS of years old, and yet fell happily (unguiltily) in love with adolecent humans who will die in less than eighty years.
I think most of the romance issues I see could probably be solved if I'd gotten a bit more characterization out of Alexis and Jade, because even though I got a feel for their characters, I didn't ever pass into the realm of understanding them. Alexis was great as a character until you added a too-deep-too-fast romance with 'Screamer, and then too much of her character fell into the trap of getting defined by her romance. The cliff scene was too much, she seemed like such a *rational* girl until then that I lost several repect points for her at that moment that she never fully gained back. Also, I didn't like that she was the only one the All-spark reponded to, as I think that made her gain AT LEAST 5/6 Mary-sue points that she doesn't deserve to have in face of such a nice story. Jade wasn't such a prominate character, so I understand that She didn't have so much written about her, but she was important enough that I missed having that in-depth feeling I wanted from her. It only JUST occured to me that she's the artistic type and would probably really like anime...
THIS IS WHAT I SAW DONE AWESOMELY WELL: Holy SHIT did you do justice to Sam's character. I mean DAMN. Also, I think you got the Autobots NAIL ON THE HEAD *PERFECT*. I sort of wish that Ratchet had sworn to reformat somebody into a Toaster, but he was STILL perfect without such a customary threat. Starscream was well characterized in all but his mostly-unexplained attraction to Alexis, and I love how you didn't turn him into a mushy sap by the end of such a romantic twist to his person. He was PISSED that he fell in love, and he still got PISSY, which is GREAT. Your storytelling was exceptionally excellent. Diction and pace were spot-on, you didn't drag, and your phrasing sometimes took my breath away, mainly looking at the scenes where Alexis and Starscream were drifting closer. Thing of BEAUTY, your writing style. I like how you don't over-describe (it's a fault of my own that I find very difficult to break), but you're descriptive where it counts.
OVERALL: I give this fic an eight out of ten! Good characters, wonderful writing, but dubious romantic plots that we adore anyway! (Seriously? Jade, whom I imagine as asian, even if it's never said, and Sky? TOO CUTE.)
Sadly, I won't be reading the sequel, I fear and avoid them as a matter of course, but I wish you all the greatest luck with it (or should it already be finished, all your future fiction endeavors) from the deepest parts of my heart and stomach! I really REALLY like this fic, and LOVE many tiny parts of it more than you may realize. Or maybe, given the amount of space I've devoted to complaining and praising it, you *do* realize, and I'm just blathering platitudes? Point is, you deserve some major kudos.
Watch your romances,
ME
PS: is my email should you choose to discuss (nicely) any parts of this critique with me. I also stress to you that it is not meant in any way to hurt your feelings or be taken as a pot-shot at your writing skills, but as honest, hopefully constructive advice. I only come down hard on the things I like. You probably don't need to be told all that, but there HAVE been times when my less-padded critisisms were taken completely wrong and I accidentally hurt someone very much. Good luck to you again! |
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