|Reviews for Shattered|
| baby Cyclopes 8/10/12 . chapter 9
THIS WAS A GREAT STORY! :)
| Violent.Voilet 8/5/12 . chapter 9
One of my favorite stories in the Avatar section.
Such a compelling story. I like how you portrayed Mai and also letting us inside Zuko's view too. Deserves more praise! Well done :']
| Infinity 8/5/12 . chapter 9
Amazing. Best Mai/Zuko story I've read :)
This wasn't the first time reading it, but I stopped reading for awhile on but I'm so glad I found this again and review it! :
| woo 3/21/11 . chapter 9
Wow. Just wow. This was so incredibly amazing. I'm completely serious. It was just soooo good! Make a sequel! Please! Lol. Seriously, thanks for sharing. Maiko ftw! :D
| Julia 6/21/10 . chapter 9
I loved it loved it loved it! You are an amazingly talented writer! You portrayed Mai's semi-insanity state PERFECTLY! I'm seriously impressed. And Zukos concern was also portrayed PERFECTLY! Omg, I'm in love with your story. It was also pretty in character for the circumstances and oh my god you are my new hero! lol...so great story. :)
| Ganheim 6/10/10 . chapter 6
Someone has gotten their hands on what sounds like a ball
[This sounds like past-tense, and it’s confusing because a lot of your story is structured in the past tense but written in present-tense verbs. I also think that this reminds me of The Great Escape, but it might not be]
and he'll probably torture her a bit to see if she'll cave.
[What, that’s it? A casual reference to torture? “taunt” would make sense, but “torture” has strong connotations for a reason]
she released her hold and as she fell grabbed on to the bars seconds before she would have crashed through thin air,
[Rather confusing, did you intend a separation like “fell, grabbing onto”. Then “crashing through thin air” doesn’t make much sense, as “crash” implies passing through something at least slightly solid, not simply passing through empty space]
cell was silent, safe the soft
it was obvious she had no memory of him,
[She might not hold conscious memory of him, but she’d still have to have something if “some part recognized him clearly”]
and the animal instinct overrides any past memories she shares with them.
[We get the point, you’d been showing that pretty well up until this point but here is just telling instead of showing]
she really, really wants to get out of here. Like, now.
[Sounds a little too much like colloquial dialog. Particularly the “like”, which I think doesn’t fit]
She only looks at him not because he is familiar, not because of the name he says, but because she hears his voice and it's only natural to look in the direction of a noise.
[This does an excellent job of displaying the reduction of her humanity and the takeover of the animal instincts]
Even in sleep, she instinctively seemed to fear exposing herself. Zuko didn't remember her ever being like that before.
[Actually, that seems to be very much like herself, it’s just physical concern now instead of image/emotion]
But if she isn't dead, what is she?
[Death takes many forms…]
even in sleep she cannot escape the discomfort
[Odd, all other instances that I’d read about led to the victim seeking either sleep or pain as a release from their exterior torments]
With your shoe.
[What the hell?]
she seemed to be waging just to move her mouth
[to be _struggling_? “waging” requires another descriptor to make it a certain activity]
She said his name, silently, wordlessly.
[If she “speaks”, then it’s not wordlessly]
and he thinks a fever will kill her.
[Fevers can do worse than kill a man, they can change him…]
[I doubt that he’d be willing to let her just run off into the RAIN, even recently armed, when she’s just that day woken from a fever and is by no means in normal condition]
But she knows she can never be the person she used to be if she doesn't appease the predator within her now,
[I wonder if this is her trying to rationalize her want to cause pain, or if it’s actually trying to claim that she “just needs to let it out”. Causing pain is like a drug, and it’s not a beast within us that’s wise to feed]
besides, it keeps her clothing from being too loose and making noise.
[Nevermind the sloshing/slapping of wet folds of cloth]
and far more slimmer than
what has she done,
[Obligatory action that doesn’t by any stretch of the imagination look like a necessary action? I’ve tried to think about it a few ways but the murders just don’t fit]
the stilettos beside her, stained red with blood
[If it’s raining that heavily, would they still be bloody? I doubt it]
It had a very dark, consistent beginning, but I thought that Zuko became too passive – somebody who retreats psychologically that much needs somebody to come in after them (so to speak); yes it needs to be slow but a person who retreats into an animalistic state of mind tends to remain psychologically inert and needs more than internal forces. Then, the fatal blow to the story, was when Mai murders those two men – not because they threatened to catch her and Zuko (that would’ve made sense), but JUST BECAUSE SHE CAN. There is no plot need for it, it’s like this “predator inside” just popped in and popped out, though as sudden as it was in coming and little true emotional impact as it left, I feel no interest in continuing on.
| maiandzukorox 12/27/09 . chapter 9
OMG THAT IS SO SWET (sob)WAH I LOVE THIS!
| Crazy-insane-original-person45 12/14/09 . chapter 5
kill this thought dead.
With your shoe.
well, that was the end of that,then.
XD i don't know why these four line made me laugh so hard but they did. *FAVS STORY*
| sydney 8/8/09 . chapter 9
(: best avatar fanfiction i have read.
i love how you played out mais character.
very good, love your writting style (:
| jasmine 7/3/09 . chapter 9
this story sucks need more sex!
| MaNgA.jUicE XD 3/17/09 . chapter 9
nice... but kinda I don't know... anyways I liked it... though I hoped Zuko had shown more emotions, espescially when he knew what his dad did... hahaha well written... :)
| noname 3/11/09 . chapter 5
And you were worried how this was going to turn out.
| coolkitty154 1/22/09 . chapter 9
OMFG! THAT WAS AWESUM! YOU CLEARLY HAVE A TALENT FOR WRITING BECAUSE BOY, THAT WAS EASILY THE BEST STORY I HAVE EVER READ! :D
| ArcherofDarknessandCallie 11/8/08 . chapter 9
AWESOME STORY! Short and succinct but extremely well written and deveolped! I loved how you changed the writing style to reflect Mai's mental state! Beautifully Written!
| Maikofan13 11/1/08 . chapter 9
I really loved reading this story, and I'm really happy about the ending. Who loves maiko fluff? I do!