Are you ** retarded? how is that even labelled as a Naruto Hinata Fanfic where Everything falls around ** OCS that came from nowhere and do EVERYTHING im sorry but your ** retarded and then just having hinata fall in love with one in under 3 days of meeting them ? Pathetic at best Go die in a hole and stop writing.

What is their mission really? They aren't human?

This was one of the best chapters yet. I could tell you what Temari would have done in response...

I'm too new to know some of the terms, so I'm not able to review in a way that would be helpful. In all honesty, I trudge through the battles only to get to the sweet romantic parts. I think you should add more of those and I envision you and Sam when I think of Chichi and the one that wears the necklace. You are wise beyond you years and your patience will reward you a hundred fold, it just may not be in the form you thought.

captivating.

I can't critique anymore or I will end up having to go to confession and I'm not Catholic. On to chapter 5...

Well, it's not as terrible as only 5 reviews would lead me to believe. Oddly the biggest issue I had with the story was Chichi's name... every time I see it, I picture Goku's wife scowling at me with her frying pan raised.

You sort of lost me around chapter 5ish when the Sky Ninja randomly go around saving other ninja teams for no reason, and then DON'T TAKE THEIR SCROLLS. I mean introducing the 3 OC Sky Team would be cool if they had an obvious or hidden purpose. I don't understand why they don't just steal all the scrolls they can in the Forest of Death. This would stop a preliminary round from even being necessary and set-up whatever hidden agenda they have far better. (And if they don't have a hidden agenda, why are they in the story?)

So while I found the OC's somewhat interesting, I found the plotting weak. Thanks for the story anyway.

Sorry I was absent, but family issues kept me from the internet. But you don't want to hear me ramble, you want me to beta. So here we go!

I don't think you should use "approached". It sounds silly. I think that maybe "the second day of the Exams had arrived in the city of Konoha." Line two is too verbose: try "Today the shinobi would enter the Forest of Death." More succinct, sounds more controlled.

There should be a comma in between 'looking on' and 'wondering'.

Instead of 'Just then', cut 'just' out and insert 'then' in between 'had' and 'appeared'. Also, put a comma after 'nowhere'.

Ok should be OK or okay. "Are to be" should be changed to 'will be'.

"As well as the rules of what needed to be done to complete the exam" is a slight revision of your sentence. The second half doesn't make much sense.

Please, please, PLEASE don't EVER put an author's note in the middle of the story. At the end, at the beginning, or not at all. Secondly, don't EVER - never ever ever - say something like "i'm too lazy" in an author's note in the middle of the chapter. If you're not going to put effort into writing your story, why should somebody put their effort into reading it or beta'ing it for that matter? Please, I beg of you, cut out that author's note, or at the very least edit the content.

"At the entrance where Team 7 was" has too many words. You can cut it down to "At Team 7's entrance". "Naruto and Sakura were eagerly for entry to the forest" can be changed to "Naruto and Sakura were eagerly awaiting entry to the forest". The way you wrote it sounds strange.

In the very next sentence, cut ", he" after Sasuke, so that is reads "But Sasuke was still thinking over what had happened yesterday after the test". Put a 'had' in before "read him so perfectly", because it's the past of the past, not just simple past, and cut out 'who killed his entire family', because that's obvious to anyone reading this story.

Instead of 'her crush', it should be 'him'. Since you're in Sasuke's view point at that moment, he wouldn't view himself as Sakura's crush.

Put a comma after Sakura's "Because if you are".

The word is spelled kunoichi.

It surprised me that Sakura 'gasped' and 'stepped back'. I think after however many months of treatment like that she'd have a quieter reaction. Like looking away and biting her lip or something. That just seems a little too extreme from someone who's been on Sasuke's team that long.

"Bursted" isn't a word. You can just chop off the 'ed' and it's fine, though.

Add a comma after "the door opened up"; put an apostrophe in between 'team' and 's'.

Put an apostrophe in between 'Kiba' and 's', and change 'wimper' to 'whimper'. Teammate is one word, not 'team mate', and there should be an apostrophe before the 's' in "teammate's".

"I don't know" isn't a question, so it doesn't need a question mark.

"That answer was quickly answered" sounds redundant. Maybe "Hinata's question was soon answered when..." instead?

Put a comma after 'Slowly'; cut 'none' out, it doesn't make sense. Again, there needs to be a comma after 'Kiba' and before 's' - Kiba's. Possessive. Again when Kiba is explaining that Akamaru can sense levels of chakra - it should be "other's".

"The rest" implies a larger crowd than two. Maybe "the other two"?

Put a comma after "dust shot up everywhere".

Okay, I'm just gonna say this generally: please put possessive apostrophes where needed. I see it at least two more times just on this page.

I don't understand the "a" in "And as if he had just found the land...". Do you mean "land of extremely large dog biscuits"? There should be a comma after "trees" and before "disappearing from sight"; and one after "Kiba jumped up".

Red head should be one word, redhead. In that same paragraph, at the very end, you say that the three ninja never moved but you also say that they followed the Ame ninja, so that should be revised.

"Chichi pointing" should be "Chichi pointed".

Commas are needed after "squatting down on a high branch", "Akamaru" (before however), "rubbed his head against his leg", "Kiba asked" (before 'relieved that he had found his dog') and "jumped into his master's hands". Kiba doesn't have grey hair, the lining of his hood is grey. His hair is brown.

"the ninja picked up Akamaru", "a yell was heard from below", and "letting the dog go" should both start with capital letters.

" 'Is Akamaru alright, Kiba?" asked Hinata, a bit concerned.
'Yeah, he's alright.'" I put three commas in there that weren't before. Could I just put punctuation into the document directly and email it you? I think that would be a lot less tedious. I'd still use the review function for the bulk of it.

"a" of "a thought ran through Kiba's mind" should be capitalized, and there should be an apostrophe in Kibas.

Combine the last two sentences of the section like this: "All three looked in the directino that the ninja had fled, wondering what the cause of the dog's behavior could be".

Cut out 'now' in "Musuke was now really hungry". You already use it once in the sentence, and it is unnecessary.

"Most hidden from site" - site should be "sight". 'just' should be Just. 'then used' - 'and then used'. 'Got anymore' - 'Got anymore?'

Comma after 'well' and before he's got that part right. Kinouchi should be kunoichi.

Put 'she' in before 'threw more shuriken at her target'. It needs a subject. That sentence itself is starting to run on; try this instead: "This, of course, made the girl upset and, out of anger, she threw more shuriken at her target. Musuko dodged all of them easily." Also: "She looked around to see if she could find her target. He found her, his arm device pointed straight at the back of her neck." I cut out a lot of cumbersome language and words that you repeated.

"Whipsered" - whispered. Blondes - blonde's. Ok - okay or OK. "What do we do now Shikamaru?" - "...do now, Shikamaru?"

I kind laughed when you called Chouji green. He's not green, but his shirt it. ^_^ You could just cut the green and say chubby, or say green-clad, or brown-haired, or something to that effect.

'Their' - they are/they're.

Ino's comment just struck me as really dumb. I mean, I know she's a blonde but still. Even she knows better than to reveal to an enemy ninja who does what in her team, or even that her team is there at all. Right?

"No ones" -> no one's. "Don't worry Ino" -> Don't worry, Ino.

You could drop the '' around 'big-boned'.

The sentence in which Shikamaru and Chouji also get struck by the needles is really awkward-sounding. Try: "Shikmaru and Chouji suddenly felt pain in their knees as well and fell to the ground."
It would be better to use their names in that instance since you used pronouns several times before that.
Cut 'then' after "Musuko" and before "walked out".

Nobody said that they had beaten Musuko; Shikamaru only said that he hadn't beaten them. You can combine those two sentences - "who said that they beat me?" and "no one is going to answer. Okay then" etc. like this: "Who said that they beat me? Is no one going to answer?" The ellipses aren't needed, and neither is the separate quotations.

"Raged out" isn't a talking verb. "Ino raged" or "Ino yelled" or something like that is fine. So: "Ino raged, trying to hold in the pain".

In the Naruto-verse Indians don't exist as far as I know. So maybe 'pretzel-legged' instead.

I noticed that you write things like "gave out a long sigh" a lot. Just say sighed. It doesn't sound as cumbersome. Also, you say 'then' too much. Many times, you could just leave it out. Like in the sentence "He (I capitalized the 'h', btw) interlocked his pointer and middle fingers (I cut together - interlock means his fingers are already together) and touched his thumbs to each other to form a hand sign."
The sentence made perfect sense (if you take out all my parentheses, lol) without 'then'.

Again, Ok should be OK or okay; then there should be a comma before 'this is going to sting a bit'. The 'directly' right after that should be capitalized.

You're missing a subject in "but still hurt greatly". Put an 'it' in after 'but'.

"Standing upCOMMA he headed over to Shikamaru. 'You're upCOMMA lazy.' He pulled the two needles out of Shikamaru and healed the wounds like he had done for Ino. Finally, he went over to Chouji and did the same.
'Why did you do that?' Chouji askedCOMMA rubbing his legs.
...
The white-haired boy smiledCOMMA obvlivious to the mistake he had made."

'Receded his shadow' - Shikamaru can't 'recede' his shadow. He can call it back, but only the shadow itself can recede. So "his shadow receded" instead?

"Mockingly" already implies the same mood as a 'smirk', so Musuko should do one or the other.
"Would you like for me to leave you alone" is a question, and needs a question mark.

Chouji is totally out of character here. He only gets that mad when his weight is insulted. It is more likely that he would just accept defeat, especially after Shikamaru's jutsu was just beaten.

"He then points his contraption at Chouji's head" - take out the then; as previously stated, you don't need to use it as much as you do. Also, past tense on point, not present - so it's pointed.

Ino again makes a dumb move. Her jutsu relies on the victim not knowing what's about to happen. Calling it 'Hold it!' is about the worst thing she can do if she wants the thing to actually work.

"Oh come on" - needs a comma after 'Oh'.
"Did you not just see... clan jutsus fail" - needs a question mark.

"he turned again and left their sight" - he should be capitalized. Also, you should cut the "and with that, he left" because he already left their sight. Or you could just cut the other one and capitalized the 'and' in "And with that".

"he performed his shadow jutsu again and saw that he was now working perfectly" - he should be capitalized, and the second he should be an it, because a jutsu doesn't have gender. ^_^

The very last part of this section is filled with unnecessary "then"s. Try: "'He outsmarted Shikamaru, healed us from his own attack, screwed up your jutsus by just standing then, and then leaves saying I would've possess myself!'
...
The three leapt out of sight."
Out of all that, you only needed one 'then'.

'team 8' - Team should be capitalized, because it's a title.

'Were on their shift for looking out' - 'for looking out' doesn't make much sense the way you wrote it in the sentence. You could cut it out completely or put something like "were on their shift, looking out for trouble" instead.

Instead of a comma, have a dash in between "in a deep snooze" and "talk about a loyal companion".

'Her eyes were about to shut close' - pick shut, close, or close shut. 'Shut close' is the only one that doesn't work.

Akamarus - Akamaru's. 'Akamaru's ears shot upCOMMA followed by his head.'

"Had ran" - "had run".

'Akamaru what are you doing?' - "AkamaruCOMMA... doing?"

Cut out the comma between 'about to pick up the dog' and 'when she heard a sound from the distance'. Change from to in.

Hinatas and Akamarus both need possessive apostrophes.

"Crossing his arms" and "stuttering so much from the fear of death" both need subjects. Try: "said Chichi, crossing his arms" and "Hinata replied, stuttering...fear of death".

"he put out a hand and pet the dog's head" - he should be capitalized and 'pet' should be 'petted'.

"Don't you know it's dangerous out here in the dark" - needs a question mark. Right after that, 'one of the ninja' should be capitalized.

"Let's have fun, shall we" - needs a question mark.

"showing that he was dead" - sounds funny. ^_^ Maybe "On his back was a kunai, embedded in his spine. He was dead."

"Hinata blushing at the comment but not enough to be seen by anyone considering it's night time" - Hinata WAS blushing/blushed at the comment, but not enough to be seen by anyone considering that it WAS nighttime."

Your friends dog - your friend's dog.

picking up the injured Akamaru - Picking up.

the grey-haired shinobi - The grey-haired shinobi.

Hinata walked into sight of the campCOMMA seeing both Kiba and Shino were still asleep. Walking further, she stepped on a stickCOMMA, awakening... etc etc.

'looking up into the night sky' - doesn't have a verb or a subject. Kiba looked up into the night sky/Kiba was looking into the night sky instead?

"You have a nice sleepCOMMA, OK/okay?"

Goodnight is one word; there should be a comma after it and before Kiba's name. Same goes in the next sentence where Kiba says, Night Hinata. Should be "Night, Hinata."

Hinatas - Hinata's.

Thougts - ThougHts.

And that concludes today's beta-ing. See ya!

Before I start off the critique, can I make a suggestion? Enable anonymous reviews. You'd get more feedback on your stories then.

First sentence - good except Konohas should have a possessive apostrophe - Konoha's.

Okay, so a general rule on numbers in writing: 0 - 10, you write out - zero, one, two, three, etc. Anything bigger than that you can just do the numbers. I say that because Naruto says he's only 5 minutes late, when it could be five. Not that it's a big deal, you can leave it if you want. Also, Teams 7, 8, 9, & 10 are exceptions to the rule.

Next part - " the mysterious team of shinobi had exited out" - you can cut the out. That's what exited means. It's redundant. Same sentence you should put a comma after together or say 'and looked around' instead.

There's another general rule, but I'm not really sure how to explain it, so I'll use examples.
"Come on, let us in!" is fine because it ends in an exclamation point. Now try this: '"And you're going to take the Chuunin Exam? Pathetic," a boy guarding the door said.' Notice how I put a comma in there instead of a period? However, if it was just "Pathetic." by itself with no 'a boy guarding the door said', then the period would be fine. Does that make sense? Probably not. If you want, I could go through and do it.

'Have you any idea how many like you we've seen killed or injured for life by this exam' is a question, and you should have a question mark. Same a little further down - isn't it obvious is also a question.

When Musuko says 'Ok', it should be either OK or Okay. Also you used present tense 'walks' right after that - your story's written in past, stick to that.

I'm not too sure with the Sky Ninja being able to see through the genjutsu and nobody else... Both Neji's team and SasuSaku recognized the genjutsu if I remembered correctly. It seems like you're overpowering your OCs. :\

When Naruto and Kiba talk right before Kabuto comes in, Naruto says 'accept' when he should say 'except'.

When Ibiki gives the warning about getting a number in 7 minutes or getting disqualified, there shouldn't be a comma after 'seven minutes'. After he fails the people who don't have a number, there should be a comma or a dash instead of a semi colon before the written test.

'But what he most emphasized on was cheating' sounds awkward. Try: but he put the most emphasis on cheating.

When you describe Ino's method for getting answers, you don't need to say fellow teammates. Teammates already implies a relationship of that kind without fellow attached.

'He's still in his nervous breakdown' should be 'he was still in his nervous breakdown' to keep the correct tense. He's is short for he is, which is present, not past.

Ibiki's 'weather' should be 'whether'.

'Then, out of the blue, a hand slams down' - slams should be slammed, again in keeping with past tense.

I'm not sure Hinata would stutter even in her thoughts, but that's author's prerogative I guess.

About the whole writing first impressions of Anko down and then Neji, that seemed a little too good. Again with the whole overpowering issue.

'Why would I tell you my name if I don't know yours' is a question, and needs a question mark. Right after that, you end Neji's comment with 'aggravated at the delay' and that doesn't really make sense without anything preceding it. Maybe say "Neji growled, aggravating at the delay".

When Musuko makes that joke about Sasuke, and when Sasuke doesn't laugh, I don't think that's unreasonable and I don't think it proves he's gay. I think that any mention of how his clan is down to only two people would be a sore point, let alone it being brought up by a complete stranger who called him gay. Musuko was a jerk in that instance, I gotta tell you.

Well, that's another chapter down. See ya next time...
FEROUSHA

Sup! Sorry I didn't start sooner, but it's been a long week. T_T But no matter. On to the beta'ing.

Looking over the first few paragraphs, I'd say to be conscious of your punctuation. There should be a question mark after 'aren't shooting stars supposed to be at night' and a comma after the 'ah' in 'ah it must be my old eyes playing tricks on me'. It's kind of tedious until you get the hang of it, but it really smooths out the writing and makes it easier to read.

'It pulled out a boy in his low teens' is a somewhat awkward sentence. Instead, I would try 'a boy in his early teens pulled himself out of the strange gem' or something along those lines.

One thing to avoid is breaking up the chapter with author's notes. Put those sorts of things at the end of the story. Or, in this particular case, you could attempt to describe the symbol within the context of the story instead of putting it in an author's note - like 'it looked like five closing parentheses shooting outward in a circular pattern' It's hard to do that sometimes, my example could definitely use a little bit of work.

Right after that, in the description of the first boy, it says 'on his arms were two strange mechanisms attached' which doesn't make much grammatical sense - you already have a verb with 'on', you don't need 'attached'. So you could sub with 'on his arms were two strange mechanisms' and leave it at that or 'two strange mechanisms were attached to his arms' is fine as well.

When you describe the sword of the final boy, the sentence gets unnecessarily lengthy. I suggest cutting it into multiple sentences. For example: "In his right hand, he held a large sword (maybe describe length more specifically?) with a light blue ball at the base. A gap in the middle of the blade extended from its tip to the blue ball."

'The grey-haired boy known as Chichi asked' can be reduced to just 'Chichi asked' because you established that Chichi had grey hair just a line ago. 'said Musuko, the one with the white hair', can be similarly shortened to 'said Musuko', because we you just said a second ago that Chichi was talking to the one named Musuko, and that Musuko was looking into the sky.

Also, it's okay to use a character's name a lot more than people usually do. Instead of making up a lot of pronouns, I would suggest using one - ex, 'grey-haired boy', 'black-haired boy' - and sticking with it, and using it with a character's name and he/she. That way you can avoid getting too many over-complicated pronouns going on. And you don't have to end every single comment they make with the name of the person to whom they're talking. For example, when Chichi asks where they are, Musuko can simply say 'we're just three days away from Konoha'. The reader already knows he's talking to Chichi, because Chichi was the one who asked the question, yeah?

Just before you break to the scene in Konoha, I would suggest cutting off 'for' in 'for their next stop...'. It doesn't have to be there.

Verb confusion sucks! I have my own problems with that. Team 7 is a singular subject - they are one team. So it should be 'Team 7 was training' as opposed to 'were training'.

This one might be a typo, but: "The blonde, known as Uzumaki Naruto, was trying...Uchiha Sasuke, while Sasuke was just barely breaking a sweat from the taijutsu training.

'Raven-haired prodigy' and 'orange-suited ninja' - are those going to be your main pronouns for Sasu and Naru? Just a question. Instead of calling Sakura a female, saying a girl might flow better. 'Female' is such a technical term, you know? It doesn't fit in the flow of your story. Cut off the 'also' in 'was also sitting on' as well. She's the only one sitting on it.

The last sentence in that paragraph is a bit clunky as a whole, so I'll just revise it here, okies? "Seeing the boy hurtling toward her getting larger by the second, she tried to get away but was too slow; Sakura fell off the fence, taking Naruto with her." A continuation of that: "Once they landed, the blonde was laying atop Sakura in a very suggestive position. Both the shinobi froze with shock at the predicament they were in at the moment, but all of that changed when Sakura's temper kicked in. ... sent it flying into Naruto's face which hurled him back in the air and over the fence, until he landed right next to Sasuke."

You could cut the (from the Sakura's punch people) and just put in something like "Naruto merely nodded his head as blood ran down from his broken nose." That way we know his nose is bleeding because he was hurt by Sakura and not for any other reason.

After Sakura issues her threat to Naruto, you've got a sentence fragment hanging around. Just add "She said," in front of "waving a fist in front of her in rage".

Cut the comma in the sentence "Musuko, felt even more killer intent..." You don't need it.

Hm... I don't think Naruto would call the Musuko 'mister', since they're both around the same ago. He'd probably call him teme (bastard) like he does Sasuke, or jerk if he wanted to be a little less offensive. Consider: "Hey jerk, I'm not stupid!". "I too am bright" is perfectly grammatically correct, but Naruto would never say that. So go with stupid instead of bright. I'd make Naruto's commentary on the simplistic side - he's a pretty simple kid on the surface.

When Musuko finishes up his writings, the verb tense should be "he flipped his notebook shut" as opposed to "flips". Flips is present tense, and you've been using past.

Lol, I don't think Shika has a pineapple shaped head - just a pineapple-shaped haircut. Cut 'then' out of "The pineapple kid then woke..." You don't need it.

"Ichi Ichi" is actually "Icha Icha" Ichi means one, as opposed to Icha Icha, which is onomatopoeia for making out. Hence, make out paradise.

One last specific comment: I don't think Naruto is that easy to read. He's got a lot of hidden depth to him besides the simple 'determined, friendly, and not all that bright' - he's got a lot of angst from being neglected and abused by the villagers. So I thought his comment at the very end was OOC.

I don't know how much proofreading you do, but a beta can't be the only one who does it. It's important that the author also rereads his or her own work. I think a lot of the mistakes you made in this first chapter could've been avoided if it had been gone over thoroughly a couple times before posting. Reading it out loud to yourself helps A LOT. I do it all the time, because the transition from brain to pen/keyboard isn't always smooth.

OMG, the length of this review is insane! Sorry. I tend to get carried away with myself. If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to email or PM me. And remember, don't take any of this personally - I'm just trying to help you improve your writing. This is not an attack. Sorry, but I have to use that as a standard disclaimer - I got into a bit of war with one person who just couldn't let it go.

Anyway, best of luck to you!
Ferousha

well to start things off, HI anyway i like to read as far as i can with the chapter before a submit a review. anyway back to what iwas going to say two words...

LOVE IT!

*cough*
anyway i like your charters. thier well balinced...i didn't spell that right but anyway. i like and to your Q at tghe bottom...i think you should wait, I theres always one guy out of love...but then again...I can't decide...~^_^~

Yay, I'm firest to review again! and you posted 5 chapters without getting a review? Man, how many hits did you get? Oh well, I think it's good for you to keep the Sky Ninjas in mystery. I think you should add Kabuto.