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Reviews For: Crystal Heart - Reviews: Page 1 of 2

Coroloro 2008-08-09 ch 1,	abuseThis is a thorough edit of this chapter of your work, coming fresh out of reading three point five Anne McAffrey books (the first three Ship series books as well as the additional “Honeymoon” ‘section’ for The Ship who Sang (the .5) written later by Anne McCaffrey to rather wrap up the loose ends of the book that started it all). I ADORE the Crystal Singer series- possibly my favourite series that she wrote, only competitor would be the off-shoot series “The Powers that Be” and the planet petaybee and twins of petaybee that sprung off it. Ironically, that series is intrinsically linked to this one by the main character’s encounter/creation of the sentient planetoid using the crystals- it is clearly implied that this planet, by the end, is sentient and very likely becomes the planet PTB/petaybe in the Powers that Be series. I actually found that series because, after reading the Crystal Singer trilogy I was so desperate to find out what happened to that sentient planet and if she wrote anything further on it (I had this feeling she had to have) that I searched through all her books on Amazon until I found the Powers that Be. That said, I’m delighted you wrote this in her Crystal Singer world and I am eager to read it. You are clearly a talented writer and developing those talents, aiding in the growth and clean-up of your writing and encouragement it, is the point of a good edit/review. I’ve taken over half an hour of my time to critique your work- not to make myself feel better or make you feel badly, as I don’t get thrills from that at all nor would I waste my time- but to help improve an obviously skilled writer writing in a world I quite love, with a story I would like to see more of. I did not get NEARLY enough of the Crystal Singer world from the trilogy, so I’d love to get more of it through your (and others who might one day write here) work. If you feel the same way- perhaps I should try my hand at the world someday myself, since there is sometimes a satisfaction from reading fiction others write in a world you love that even one’s own fanfiction does not always satisfy. At the end, I plan to include more commentary insights after the edits to summarise and encourage. I also would like to clarify that I feel this does not in anyway qualify as a ‘flame’, rather a critique and edit as all of it is constructive, not destructive. The quarters here, though bare-ish “bare-ish” doesn’t seem the best way to phrase this here. I’ve been immersed in Anne McCaffrey’s writing for the last week and I really cannot imagine her writing this either (though I’m not sure if you are aiming to ‘sound’ as much like her stories as possible or not). Up to this particular phrasing, however, I could believe that this had been written by her. Perhaps “Her quarters here, though somewhat bare of furnishings,” or something similar? The morning she had turned 20 was the morning she had met her now destiny Spelling- “new destiny” “she had met her now destiny – a Heptite Guild shuttle”; “the Yardmaster had been furious – he had gone running”; “There had seemed to be a magnetic force around her – a force that made you”; “Everything after that was a blur – the Shankill instructions”; I’ve noticed you use a lot of hyphens. This is something I do as well in my writing, and perhaps it could be seen as something as a matter of style. I think, however, that in most published writing you do not see an overuse of it. Especially when used to elongate a sentence rather than in a word. Something I have done to try to extent my creativity in forming my sentences is to look at my favourite authors and how they do it when I am reading. Try looking at a few pages of a Crystal Singer book’s opening and see how the links up her sentences and how many hyphens she uses perhaps? When I am trying to clean up my writing a bit, sometimes I look at areas where I use a lot of elongated sentences or hyphens and see how I might rephrase it into separate sentences too. Again, I’m nit-picking: partly because your writing comes across very clean and good, so I have the desire to help encourage improvement to your best-est. Note of encouragement: I noticed that after the intro part, when you began to get into dialogue more, the hyphens seemed to go away. The boys from across the way had been woken up too by the sudden commotion, and also chuckled with merriment at the idea of the Yardmaster having to run, rather ungainly, across the field. Better phrasing perhaps? “Had been woken up as well”? At the very least, “had been woken up, too, by the sudden…” A bit of an awkwardly long sentence. “The boys from across the way had also been awoken by the sudden commotion. They chuckled with merriment at the idea of the yardmaster having to run, in his rather ungainly fashion, across the field.” Random idea of how to clean it up a bit, perhaps? The Yardmaster, suddenly realising his mistake all too late, ceased yelling abuse at the crashed vehicle, and rather started to sincerely apologise for his actions. Awkward, particularly “and rather started to sincerely…” There had seemed to be a magnetic force around her – a force that made you want to impress the person, and also the feeling that you must surpass her, to get beyond her greatness. Very nice! I just plain like the way you use description here. It’s for excellent description like this and your clear writing talent that I have given this chapter such a thorough edit. Everyone, excluding the woman and possibly the pilot, stared at this remarkable woman, not knowing what to say or do, as they had never seen any other person before, much less one like her. Run-on. With your run ons, for your own benefit if you choose to use it, I’ll suggest example alterations for you to use or not use as you like. “Everyone, excluding the woman and possibly the pilot, stared at this remarkable women ((which women? You use woman twice here, is it both referring to the same person? Difference person? Obviously the woman wouldn’t be staring at her self, so it really wouldn’t be worth mentioning- do clarify)) without knowing what to say or do. They had never seen any such person before. ((“any other person before” doesn’t make sense, thus the change… if you really mean they had not seen any other people before… well, do explain a bit. If she is a different race/species you really did not make it clear in previous writing… and this sentence becomes rather ambiguous. The next sentence gives some clarification, but not enough to make your original phrasing clear))” “amazing world of the Crystal Singers, and the amazing lives they lead” Double-use of ‘amazing’. Find synonym to use instead, perhaps? black boots that came up to her shins and fitted like a glove. Is “fitted like a glove” right here? Meradith slightly adjusted her bronze-ish hair in it’s band Is the –ish really needed? If you can’t just say “bronze”, perhaps a better and more eloquent description is necessary- hair with elements of bronze in it? Hair painted with streaks of bronze? Etc. I really like that you are gradually fitting in descriptions of your character’s appearance throughout the opening chapter. This is one thing I feel that Anne does a little poorly, at least in the first three “ship series” books she writes. I do not feel as though I get a very strong representation of what the character looks like in my mind always, and she often just slaps down one big description of them rather than gradually slipping in reminders of their physical appearance. It is perhaps a style issue- but I rather like how you’ve slipped that in here. “A murmur when among the recruits.” Change “when” to “went”. One medic saw her coming and intercepted her, stuffing some pills into her mouth. This is less a grammar issue and more of a content/perspective issue. Why would the medic intercept her and just stuff pills into her mouth? I could see him stopping her, but why just randomly shove pills in? If he felt it necessary to sedate her, if it was that serious, wouldn’t it make more sense to have an injection of some kind on hand? She could easily spit the pills out or choke on it- now if that is just the mistake the medic would make, and there’s a reason for that, no problem. Just was curious. It didn’t really seem to make sense- my first thought was “why in the world would a medic act that way right off?” Also, giving a strong sedative in that situation and then just leaving the girl, especially without passing her off to someone else or making her sit/lay down, is incredibly dangerous and irresponsible. Now, most people might not think this, but a trained medic (at least, one properly trained or any good) would definitely know this- if you read the instructions for a sleeping medication, they usually warn NOT to take it until laying down in a safe, sleeping position. Some work in such a way that if you took it standing up, you would either fall (and potentially seriously injure yourself) or perhaps go into a sleep-walk, or waking dream, still potentially injuring yourself or others. Of course in this case, it could just be a bad, or desperate, medic not thinking clearly. Hope he gets penalised later ;) I really came into reading this story “wanting to like it” and on your, the author’s, side. As I have said I love the world and I love the trilogy, and getting more of it is almost like feeling you have eaten the last of the world’s supply of chocolate cake and then finding out that someone else has finally created more of it. You can critique it, yes, but still… it’s chocolate cake, blast it, and chocolate cake is still chocolate cake!! You did not disappoint, regardless- I wanted to like it, and I did. The elements that stood out as “not being Crystal Singer style” were the exception, not the rule- perhaps subconscious elements of your writing/talking style or ‘writer’s ticks’ that occasionally pop up. Most professional authors likely have their own that we never see, since the versions that are published have often been edited multiple times by the author, then again by other editors until we get the final copy. Brandon Sanderson, who is completing the final book of the Wheel of Time series by the now-deceased Robert Jordan (he was, sadly, unable to complete the final book of the so-far twelve book series), has made available on online book as he has written in- it is a novel concept, since as he writes it he has put up each version. So far he now has “version six” up- that is, the sixth complete edit that he has done of the book- and when he finishes the book in the end, he will likely put up all the versions so that one can compare them through the process. That is even before he passes the book on to someone else to edit (though he may not need to, since the readers have been helping with edit ideas/suggestions as he goes). You –really- shine when you get to the dialogue portion of your first chapter. Delightful dialogue and description seeded throughout it as you introduce your characters. That’s clearly your strong point- and all awkwardness seems to disappear. I usually struggle a lot on having smooth conversational passages, but it seems to flow effortlessly from your fingers. I cannot compliment you enough on that. It seems perhaps that the forced interruptions of dialogue into your paragraph perhaps help you to also keep your sentences more compact and separated. Good start for the story- I think that you’re going to want to start (I have not read any more than the first chapter you have up at this point) placing point of interest that will hook the reader. Obviously, the main character wants to become a Crystal Singer. Obviously, we have the initial conflict of- what if she doesn’t? What if she becomes a tech, etc? Now, the obvious course of this story would be that, however difficult or unlikely it seems, she’ll end up becoming a singer. I mean, if you’re writing according to typical formula (especially typically Anne McCaffrey’s formula), it’s kind of a given to me- but that doesn’t make it any less enjoyable to watch. But I hope to see some other conflicts/goals/hopes put in to make the character unique as the story goes along. Slipping hints of what might develop in to these things will help further hook me into the story, as a reader. Of course, your obvious writing talent and flare for character dialogue really made the story pick up pace right off the bat as soon as they started talking… of course, you also put in a conflict right away with the girl seemingly dying, too. I look forward to seeing how that develops and if that also becomes a potential plot hook/device. Why’d she die? Is it just part of what happens to early singers sometimes, or is there some on-going thing there… or will it be a bridge to a further development in the character(s)? I enjoyed the first chapter to your story. So far an excellent start. Your dialogue has a slightly more modern contemporary feel to it than Anne’s does- obviously just part of your style and the characters you have brought in. Something I’m curious about is how you intend to approach this- is this “your story, in Anne’s world” or are you trying to continue Anne’s story world in her style, or a mix of the two? There is no right or wrong answer here, of course. :) I hope my edits and insights have helped in some fashion, and I look forward to reading more soon. PS- I originally wrote this review in Word format with italics, bold, etc. It might be easier to read in that way- if you care to send me a message at some point, as that format would be easier to interpret, please just let me know and I can send it to you by email, etc.
tuxie13 2008-08-08 ch 3,	abuseooh cliffhanger! good first three chapters! i can't wait for the next chapter to be published!!
MichelleApril 2008-04-18 ch 1,	abusei thought this was quite good. And I am being selfish here, I would like to read the rest. Please finish this story.
Everybody's Neesan 2008-01-07 ch 3,	abusePerhaps she isn't alone after all... If nothing else, Meradith may have a new friend in that nurse! Good chapter, and keep it up!
GinaStar 2008-01-07 ch 3,	abuseVery interesting ;) Loved it!!
Moo Marie 2008-01-07 ch 3,	abuseWell done. I want to find out what happened even more now. Are they really not all dead? Are some still clinging to life like she did? You're doing well at keeping the suspense going.
imblessed 2007-12-21 ch 2,	abusekeep it coming!
Faythe Furyfyre 2007-12-17 ch 1,	abuseWell, as a huge fan of the Crystal Singer books I was excited when I first clicked on your story. And then I read it. Pardon me, but here it comes: This is a rip off of the books! Sure, you have some GREAT background on your main character, that is original and new. (which could, by the way, use a bit more flesh. But it is a wonderful start!) But from having one of her close friends be the "class clown" to her sudden "illness" and miraculous Milkey Transition, it is Killashandra Ree all over again!! The "Infirmary" chapter as well is startling in its likeness to the chapter of when Killashandra Ree woke from her Milkey; from the avoiding the screens of those close to death, to someone coming in saying they were aware of her awakening from the monitoring system. Don't get me wrong, you have your own ideas implanted, but there is way too much of it not "yours". Thats my honest opinion, and you of course are free to ignore me completely, but I will come and check out the next chapter or two, to see if you are just taking a story and rearranging a few details and calling it your own, or if you are truly going to deviate away from a book we've all read.
Moo Marie 2007-12-05 ch 2,	abuseWow. Some great foreshadowing there. I've always wondered what it would be like to follow someone through a non-Milekey transition but this goes above and beyond.
Tsaukpaetra 2007-11-28 ch 2,	abuseOMG! Couldn't see that coming! How will she react? Gasp
GinaStar 2007-11-27 ch 2,	abuselol..Great!
Everybody's Neesan 2007-11-25 ch 2,	abuseHer entire class? Jeez. That really was a super-virus!
GinaStar 2007-11-02 ch 1,	abuseVery interesting!
Everybody's Neesan 2007-11-01 ch 1,	abuseWow, way to set a scene! Sounds like a super-bug going around. Looking forward to more!
Tsaukpaetra 2007-10-31 ch 1,	abuseWell, first, I'm not an expert at the Crystal Singers, so I can't whine about technical problems, but your writing seems pretty good. I only counted three grammar mistakes, which isn't all that bad if you think about it. Keep going! :)

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