|Reviews for Revenge For Green|
| Raving Adelaide 11/17/07 . chapter 1
You wrote: "No, he had live there to long to entertain those thoughts."
Should be: "No, he had live there too long to entertain those thoughts."
You wrote: "Once he did notice her, he couldn't quite recognize her, even though he had the sneaking suspicion that he should be able to."
This sentence reads poorly. At quick glance it seems that it's too long, but I think it's the commas. I don't think that second comma should be there. You could make it a semicolon if you drop the "even," or just make it a dash without dropping the "even." A period is also good - I think it would make the "even though..." seem like an after thought of Bum's and it would engage the reader more. I'm not sure if you know what I mean, but I don't know if I could clarify that more.
You wrote: "Her reply was swift and cold. 'That wasn't random. You laughed, I hit.'"
I'm pretty sure you integrated Bum's and Ann's dialogue into the same line to emphasis Ann's quick reply, but when you put "Her reply was cold and swift" it negated this effect by delaying that reply. You could just put "That wasn't random. You laughed. I hit." on it's own separate line without "she said/replied" etc. Or if you did not want to get rid of the description of her reply, you could always add it on the end instead.
You wrote: "It was then that Bum noticed she was still standing."
He just noticed now? I would think he knew before that she was taller. You could say that he forgot just how tall she was, or was always surprised that he was forced to look up at her (but I'd avoid saying he was forced to look up to her because the first thing people think of is an idol though I'm sure Bum mentioned that he does admire the town witch), etc.
You wrote: "He flipped a strand of her hair out of her eyes, then a thought occured to him."
I'd either add "and" to connect these two parts of the sentence because they don't relate, or I would just make them into two sentences. "Then a thought occured to him" is fine on it's own even if you no longer think that the two actions occur simultaneously. The effect of the short sentence really makes the reader feel the thought occured suddenly which is a powerful formating tool. It also still has that sense of simultaneousness that I believe you were going for.
You wrote: "Don't ask why, cause I don't know."
Ann never used "don't," "can't," "'cause," etc in the series. It's your fanfic though. Just remember it's 'cause not cause - they mean two different things and things like that can interrupt the flow of a story.
And yes, the gang would go to the Frozen Cow, but their more regular haunt was the bakery on Saturdays (and I think more regularly when school was out), but it was never given a name. "Fred's Fat Foods" was also mentioned in book seven, and the fish and chip place in book eighteen.