Ooh...did you write this with them chanting?

because I heard chanting.

This was just very haunting...the capitalization of Death is just delicious and the phrase, "and Death descends" just rolls off the tongue with terrifying beauty.

Amazing

Paddy

Hey Dizi, nice poem. Hope you don't mind a little criticism. I don't know if you plan on doing anymore editing on this or not, but I'll just give you some observations anyway.

I really liked the opening and ending stanzas. They were by far the best. The story in the middle gets a little confusing though. Sometimes the diction of the poem isn't very precise so it sounds off and the flow of the poem doesn't quite work.

The "And Death descends" line may not really need to be repeated. I felt like it lost a little bit of it's punch by the final stanza. This might be a personal preference, but only starting the last stanza with the line could be more effective, especially considering the poem didn't start with the line. It's awkward to have every stanza but the first start with "And Death descends." Just a thought.

A couple lines in particular that lost me were:
"All that I loved 'erside."
and
"Heed my screams heaven rung?"

I think the problem is that I didn't quite understand what you were trying to say in them. The other problem might be that it's a little awkward having to constantly switch between Remus and Sirius and then both. The second stanza in particular is a case of this with it mostly being Sirius, the one line of Remus, and both finishing. I like the ambition, I think it's great, but at times the poem isn't as clear as I think it could be.

And I will say that you did a fantastic job fitting the last couple lines into the poem. Sometimes it's hard to keep the mood throughout a poem and fitting it to what you've been given, but I felt like you built nicely to those lines.

well, I'm not a big fan of poems or angstyness, however this was very pretty and very well done ^__^

Dru xx

Balance is a theme with you, I see?

I love the last line. If you've ever read Wuthering Heights, that's what it reminds me of. If you haven't read it, look at my profile, it has the quote there, from Heathcliff.

But enough about me.

It was poignant and beautiful, and that's pretty much all that can be said.

mmb

nice work here Dizi
its sad but still brilliant and i could almost see it happening. your a really good writer!
Lady

Oh Dizi this is wonderfully powerful, I can feel the passion and the loss. I like the way that the lines were seperated into Remus and Sirius, as corny as it sounds I could almost hear them singing it :)

The last two lines were perfect though, just perfect.

This was lovely, well done!!

- Fray x

Nice. But I can't tell if they're gay for each other or what.

I remember you emailed this to me, ages ago, looking for advice, and it’s as good as I remember. Thoroughly chilling, Dizi, and definitely amazing. Must be all those eggs inspiring you, and no, I will never let you live that down. Ever.

Just … amazing.

-Cuba

This was REALLY good -- sad, but good.

I've never heard of 'the Hideaway' -- what's that all about? It sounds really neat.

Anyways, I really liked this, and you're deffinitely a great writer.