Is this one chapter in a story? If not, I think your attempts at fiction would be better delegated to the realm of NC-17 slash, as this story seems to have little point other than to show two male characters together.
If it is a single entry in a saga, it should have a clear topic. Remember; even a single chapter in a book is like a story on it's own. It must have a confilct and a resolution (or cliffhanger as need be).
But the story seems interesting enough. Though if you're going for shounen-ai style romance a bit more detail on the back story would be in order... and if the entire point of this is slash, find somewhere that allows NC-17 stories and post there. I don't mean that as an insult, I'm sure you'd be a be hit!