I love the way you've created Louisa, she's strong and capable, but not a Sue...She has flaws and has made mistakes. She kind of reminds me of me, or at least how I think I'd be if I lived in that time.
Your writing style is very realistic and in-depth, and you do a great job of portraying the time in a way that makes it seem natural, instead of being strange and like something out of a fairy tale.
You have also done a great job with the cannon characters, you don't seem to have departed from their "movie versions" at all, which I think is amazing, especially since it doesn't seem to me that it would be possible to come to know them that well from watching the movie. Reading the part where Louisa is talking to Gabriel while he mends the flag, I was thinking: "This is just like a missing scene from the movie, I can totally see him saying this".
Jean is my favorite character, and I hope he is worked into the story as an important component in the plot. I liked the element in the movie of him being slightly at odds with the other members of the militia, many of them being veterans of the French and Indian war, and was disappointed that it was never really resolved. It seems to me that he and Louisa have some common ground there. Perhaps he would do well in a scene where she is being insulted or something and he defends her? Or vice-versa. I loved the bit where he came to check on her and told her what the men were saying, adding that he disapproved of their talk. The bits of French were a great touch.
I'm a little confused by the references to her being from another time, personally I think the story could work without it, though you do a good job of making it fit in, and as we're only three chapters in you might have a plot twist in store that requires it. But I do hope you will explain that a bit, tell how she came to be transported back in time, if you decide to keep that element.

In conclusion, I'd like to say that this fanfic is better than some published works I've read, and you're a terrific author. I doff my cap to thee. *Sweeps hat from head and bows*
I can't wait for the next chapter!
--Merlin

I'm REALLY loving this fanfiction! You've got a great writing style, a wonderful character who is struggling with her own personal problems, and chapters are lengthy and worthwile!

I hope you continue to update!

There ARE just a few historical inaccuracies:

Gatsby, her horse, obviously named after Fitzgerald's lonely character Jay Gatsby in his novel The Great Gatsby. This is the 18th century, right? The Great Gatsby wasn't written/published until the 20th century? 1920's? So...I was a little confused there.

And in chapter 3:

"Three long years since she had watched television..."

I'm not too sure when the Television set was actually put out into play, but I'm pretty sure there was no TV in the 18th century--American Revolution.

But, other than that, your story is absolutely amazing, and was such a treat to find. I hope Jean will appear much more in the chapters to come!

~LSM

Hey, as for the rewrite of Chapter 2, I like the extra descriptions you added about the mission. They were absolutely breathtaking and really set the atmosphere. I also like Ben putting her on a trial basis, rather than accepting her right away. After all, she is a woman (modern though she well may be) and in the 18th-Century. It’s only natural for the men to be a bit wary of her.

Just a few nit-pickity things:

1) “It was the blackest black you could imagine, were it not for the shimmering specks all across, your eyes would begin to unfocus in confusion over whether or not you were blind, and the moon a silver magnificence that Louisa cursed herself for not paying her respects to it every night.”

This sentence is a really long run-on. I think that if you separated it into two sentences, it would flow much better.

2) “The ones most easily seen perhaps fifty yards ahead on the path and taking up the rear, were those who had joined up, and if she strained her eyes through the dark she could just barely make out the three-cornered hat of Benjamin Martin in front of them, she was sure of it.”

Same with this one; if “She was sure of it” was a separate sentence, it wouldn’t seem so long.

3) “They rode on into the night as the moon arced over the woods paths they made their way through, along the Santee.“

“woods paths” confused me. It just sounds kind of odd. Did you mean “wooded paths” or “wood’s paths”?

4) “Odd hoots from birds and other animal sounds coupled with the musty scent and heavy air gave the place an atmosphere of oppression – of a place one should not be save for a ghost tale.”

The latter part of this sentence confused me. Did you mean “of a place one should save for a ghost tale” or “of a place one should not be safe from a ghost tale”?

5) “The men from the tavern in effect ignored her this time, while the townsmen eyed her wearily, all realizing that she would be staying.”

I think that you meant “warily” as in watchful; guarded vs. “wearily”, meaning tired; exhausted.

The same thing here (warily vs. wearily) in this sentence in Chapter 3:
[“Name’s Louisa Headrow,” she said, reaching out a hand which he eyed wearily for a moment.”]

But I absolutely love this story thus far and am so thrilled that you updated! Haha, the men think that she’s preggers, not an alchie—typical, LOL!

I love how Louisa is very real feeling and well-rounded. She’s polite, not snappish and does her duty without complaint, but has flaws. It’s also nice to see a realistic portrayal of coping with withdrawal and the pain & suffering that comes along with it, not just a simple shrug-off (coming from a family with a history of drinking problems, I’ve seen it first hand, so I know). And I like how you built up to the tension with Jean at the end of this chapter. The French was a nice touch. Hm…I wonder if Monsieur Villeneuve will respect Mademoiselle Headrow even more now that she has made an effort to communicate a little in his native language with him. That’s more than most of the others can boast, as well as most modern Americans. Well done! Please update soon!

Hi Ali!
I'm so sorry it took me forever to get to this. I've been unbelievably busy this spring.

This was really a great chapter, there were so many things I enjoyed. And I must say, I absolutely love Louisa. She is so down-to-earth, passive, but not weak, responsible, though flawed. I love how she does her duty without complaint and how she refuses to snap back at the curious, though impolite men. She truly is a well-rounded character. I also especially enjoyed the realism of this chapter. Louisa doesn't simply shrug off her alcoholism, she suffers and struggles with it. I can tell how each scene was painstakingly written, building on the tension and concluding with Jean's indifferent appearance. Excellent writing. Please do update soon!

I wish I wasn't in such a big hurry, but I simply couldn't resist reading this. I'm so glad to see that you're updating again, and I really, really enjoyed this chapter! Louisa is an anomaly without really being out of place; does that make sense? She shouldn't be there, but it seems natural that she's there. That's how I read it, anyway.

I think it's really interesting how you show how the other men react to Louisa; very believable, too. Excellent, excellent chapter, and maybe I'll be more eloquent and in less of a rush next time!

As for the rework on chapter 2: I definitely like the changes you have made. And the newly added description of the mission’s remains jutting out from the isle, pointing out why Black swamp is Black swamp, all that is wonderfully written. I think it’s a lot more 3dimensional now. Good work.

But on with chapter 3: Poor Louisa. Her endeavour to fight for freedom seems to be put on a fierce trial. I wish for her to win the battle against alcohol that she’ll be able to do her share once things come to a head.

Very nice descriptions of the landscape and Louisa’s feelings about it when she’s on the way for the stream to get some cleaning. Also, you’ve created a very tense moment when Louisa and Gabriel sit down together bothering with the needle work. Even if she wasn’t impaired by her hangover, I can very well imagine the problems of a ‘modern’ woman to mend clothing by mere manual work. O-oh!

What a refreshing take on misinterpretations. In most writings, we find a woman who is suffering from nausea because of a pregnancy and everybody, especially the men, around her assumes she might have upset her stomach. Here she suffers form terrible withdrawal and they think she might be with child. Men! Good turn.

I liked those small pieces of French. Even though it’s our neighbour country, I haven’t had any contact to the French language in a very long time. Curious for more.

This story is amazing & very unique thus far. Your protagonist is intriguing & I love your descriptions--not too sparse, but not so much that the reader loses interest. Anywhoo, please update soon!

Looks good so far :) Very good descriptions :)

I know about the trouble to get from A to B, believe me. I adore your talent to fill a paragraph over a matter that takes place within a second, like watching the waxing moon, for example. I followed the thoughts about ‘black’ nights, pollution and the lack of attention for the environment with interest. That all is absolutely fine and very well written. I particularly liked the mentioning of the moon. I think it has to do with the considerably fewer sources of light back then. I never was aware of it and I love to watch the night sky, especially when it’s not covered with clouds until one day a friend from town visited me and was completely amazed how bright the moon and the stars were at countryside. She said, she hasn’t seen so many stars for a good while, because with all the light of a city around you just wouldn’t be able to see them so clear. Must be truly amazing to watch the night sky with no electric light around at all.

However, back to your concern you might move too swiftly. Telling from my own experiences, every now and then it makes you think to hurry from one point to the next when you’re not as detailed as before. Don’t worry about that, sometimes it’s good and alright to force the pace of narration.

As to why you yourself don’t like the chapter as much as the previous one, I don’t know, for I don’t know what is your ulterior goal. Partly I agree with Green Wood Elf who says, Louisa could have shown a bit of her abilities when it comes to fight or handle her gun. But then again I could imagine this is what you would want to avoid, not to fall into the cliché of seasoned female warriors outclassing the canon characters.

You expressed your worries that things might happen too fast here. As I see it, it’s not in the swiftness of action but in the surprisingly smooth way things are going.

Since you’ve asked for it (and in case you haven’t yet reworked the chapter), let me share my thoughts about a few ‘rough’ points:

How can Louisa follow Martin and his men without being discovered by anyone? They would have been on the alert when they go into their secret quarters, wouldn’t they? But none of them takes notice of their follower. So, I wonder were they just lucky that the British couldn’t find them or would the incidence make them aware of the precarious moment whenever they slip in or out their hiding place? Thus, Louisa’s role would be of some significance here as her unwanted pursuit makes them more careful in the future. If so, you should work it out a bit more clearly here.

However, her reception in the swamps is comparably unspectacular. Just a little rattling of blades. Nothing more? Okay, they quickly recognize her as the drunken woman from the tavern and would be calmed with that. She’s not a complete stranger to them. But still, wouldn’t it sting them to have been followed by her and not having found out about it any earlier then by the time she shows up in the center of their hide? Think of it, at the latest when she directs her horse through the water, her so far unnoticed approach must have been heard, I am sure.

Martin doesn’t show the trace of surprise or annoyance to her unexpected appearance, it can’t possibly sit well with him that she had obviously had so little trouble to trace them out. What if she had been a British spy instead? Plus, you indicated it yourself, those days the environment wasn’t as industrialized as today. Consequently, by far less sounds and noises would have been heard out of a village and they have travelled almost a day through (pure) nature. Their ears would have been trained well to detect some hoof steps that wouldn’t have belonged there, all the more as there was no sound pollution like today, which might have distracted them, especially as they were intend not to be found by the enemy. I really think they would have been more circumspect. You see, I just don’t see Martin fighting off a troop of British soldiers with patience and a snare and her he wouldn’t know better than to be fooled by a ‘simple’ woman?

Which brings me to another point: Louisa’s line of argumentation as to why she should be allowed to join the militia. It was perhaps not as smart as it could have been. None of her reasons makes Martin seriously contemplate allowing her to stay. All her talks about ‘women can be just as steadfast as men’ seem to echo off unheard. Only when she offers to cook and sew and the like, he gives in, which in itself is all rather believable, considering the time they live in. And while all the arguments Louisa presents are fair, you might perhaps want to take the possibility into consideration that she might simply point out the fact to Martin that she managed to find him and his hideout in the first place. If he insists that she leaves, she is a potential danger to the rebels. Perhaps you could have her make it clear to him that it is better to have her with them as a friend than to send her away and fear the moods/revenge of a rebuffed disappointed woman. Even if she would stay loyal to the Patriots, she would be a danger to them nonetheless, as no one knows what will happen in case the British get hold of her, a weak defenceless woman. To appeal to his protector instinct might work out well here.

Oh well, that all is of course just my 5-cent-words. I don’t know if it helped or hurt. Please don’t be mad with me. I was just trying to direct your attention to minor detail, shading of nuances so to say. I am not particularly good at keeping it brief.

And yes, it certainly would be nice to hear from you;) – either to take pleasure in the idea to have been of some help to someone or just to tell me that it might help more to keep my mouth shut in the future in case you shouldn’t like my unasked for and maybe confusing suggestions

I was glad to see this fic updated, AliBlack. The first chapter certainly intrigued me and the follow-up installment was just as well-written. I do like Louisa as a character. She’s flawed and easy to relate to. In a way, I do pity her self-loathing, but I also admire her strength and determination to turn her life around. Also, I loved the opening description of the moon in this chapter. Louisa reminds me of a 19th century Romantic like Keats in the way she reveres and appreciates the wonders of nature.

I know you said you didn’t like this chapter, but I think it was quite sufficient. Transitions are always awkward to write but I think you did a good job with this one. However, if you truly want to rewrite this chapter, perhaps you might consider a slight change at the end. Maybe, instead of allowing Louisa to enter the militia, Martin refuses her. She is upset, but determined to change his mind. Then several days later, she helps the militia in a melee and therefore, gains Martin’s tentative approval. But honestly, I think this chapter is fine as is.

Anyway, this was a good chapter, AliBlack. I only noticed a few run-on sentences which of course are easily remedied. Other than that, great writing all around. Update soon!

*glances over at "Doing One's Duty" and sighs*
Dang. Now you're putting my own fic to shame. No wonder you have more reviews; this is incredible and by far one of the best Patriot fics I've ever read. I'm not even gonna lie to you. My only nitpick (and I'm normally full of those) is that there are some run-on sentences, but your descriptions are so amazing that you could get away with the run-ons. I really, really love this and I hope you update constantly! I know that's a lot to ask for, but hey, I can dream.
~bubblymuggle4~

Let me say it right away, this is not necessarily my favourite way to focus on ‘Patriot’ fanfiction, BUT you did an amazing job with both, research and writing. While I couldn’t possibly be any more indifferent to what’s going on at Ben Martin and his men, I absolutely love your way of writing. I think this may eventually turn into a story where time travelling, women fighting in the militia and all that jazz is present, but is never the key to catch a reader. It’s the skilful narration itself. My compliments.
You’ve expertly managed to slip in all those particularities that make the difference between our time and then. I spot mentioning of the different understanding of what is old now and then, the rather unusual demand to have some water on the purpose of actually drinking, enlightened thoughts, Benjamin Franklin, the comparably slow pace in which things develop – all very well woven in. Maybe her request for tea in this certain tavern was a bit daring. Isn’t it that tea was considered ‘loyal’ and coffee rather ‘patriotic’? To ask for tea was perhaps just as bold as Martin’s “God save King George.”

However, I like the way how you have Louisa make her living. What could a modern, ‘old’, unmarried woman do back in the 18th century? That’s quite intriguing to have her travel around, making bets about the place or outcome of the next battle, neglecting her appearances, but not yet having been sinking to her lowest. I wonder how she’ll stand her ground in future chapters? Will she meddle in the past, will she take advantage of her knowledge and share it with the militia, or will she just attend the patriots? Knowing the outcome of the war, she need not worry the colonies might not successfully defend their independence – strictly speaking, there’s actually not really a need for her to fight for her country. Be sure to keep your chapters coming, it will certainly help to highten the standart on

Hey AliBlack! I read this a few days ago and loved it. Louisa is a wonderful original character and I can't wait to see how she develops throughout this fic. Happy writing!

GreenWood Elf

I already reviewed, but the stupid thing wouldn't let me! So now I have to start over! Oh, great...
This is wonderful! I was drawn in from the moment I read it! She is one of the most believable time-travel OCs I've ever seen, and I look forward to the rest of this! I especially liked her being drunk; it made her so much more believable! Please update this as soon as you can!

You must've read my story "Long Live the Devil", or this was just a coincidence that your character was at the tavern like mine was. yours was more well-written then mine, though - not too Mary-Suish either. Darn! Now I gotta go and edit mine!

Update soon!!

jb