   Cerium 4/5/08 . chapter 4Hai, good story, I'll give you that much. :) But I'd like to comment on a few things that turned me off in your writing.
First aspect, and I quote:
[ "...I mean, what wasn’t to like about him!" ]
[ "... of course it was always cute." ]
[ "It felt so sure and so, so, good!" ]
Note these are in your narration, NOT in the character's dialogues. I feel that you put too much of "yourself" in the narration, or maybe, too much of the character. The narration itself, unless in some character's POV, should be as neutral as possible. You are giving the readers a small sense of what YOU are thinking, as the writer, while the events are happening. Those quotes above give you an idea of what I mean here.
Secondly, I have known the Tomb Raider series for years now, and I own most of the games... I know there is only one Zip and one Allister in TR Legend, but I have my doubts that Allister is fully in character. It's a feeling that makes me shrug when I imagine Allister crying. It just doesn't strike me as the first thing he would do. He would, but not just burst out crying first thing, if you know what I'm saying.
Some mistakes all over your fic seem to ruin it. Some full stops missing, swapping "his" for "her" accidentally, [ "...she was back on his feet..." (Referring to Lara) ], and the extreme over-use of ellipsis, especially on the second chapter! I suggest you review this, if not, then just take my advice as a heads-up for your next story. Even Microsoft Word will automatically correct most of the things I said for you.
What strikes me as positive is Lara. "Hanky-Panky", you managed to make me picture Lara saying that - good job, this is what you want to accomplish. You want the readers to feel that these characters are exactly alike the ones in the original fandom.
Please continue this story. :) I like all Yaoi pairs, they make me squeal. XD
HS |
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