They suddenly pelted toward him like four football players trying to smash the defense through pure violence...love the description.

good beggining

i love it

Note to Author: This is Justin. I promised to review your stories.

The style that this story is written in isn’t exactly brilliant. It often gets in the way, and it drains the story of its dramatic potential. There is too much exposition, i.e. background information and explanations, such as the information about where Firdanmor came from. Although it has been said thousands of times, I’ll say it once more. Show, don’t tell. Just describe what’s going on the story: the action, the setting and the character’s thoughts. Leave out the explanations. For the sake of fairness, I will add that if used properly exposition can add to a story, by offering insight into its meaning. However, this is very difficult to do. Unless you can write so well that you can keep people entertained while you interrupt the story to tell them things, I highly suggest that you leave out the exposition.

As far as the story goes, it is fairly good. However, chapter 6, which describes Drema needs to be rewritten and worked into the story, instead being dumped there as a chapter. I don’t like the part about how dark magic clouded Drema’s mind and made him evil. The unforgivable curses would have to be far more ancient than Drema. The Killing Curse is the kind of thing which would be found every society of wizards. Every society since the dawn of time has possessed weapons of some kind. Many weapons are designed solely for the sake of killing. Now assuming that wizards are like other humans, they would possess some way of killing, which given their proficiency in magic is likely to be a killing curse. I think that the Dark Arts would have to have evolved slowly over time, and not been invented by one person.

Nice battle scene, though I am surprised Narcissa was present. anyway, WHO SCREAMED?

"The girls sighed. Harry was powerful, clever, brave, and now he was a lousy comedian. Great." lol well he can't be everything!! Though he is pretty funny when he's around Snape. They play off each other rather well.

This was a very interesting history you created. : )

I wonder about this Aranea...will her Slytherin-ish qualities shine through in later chapters??

I really liked Ginny writing to him for book money, nice little detail and I could really see Ginny asking that. I also like the bit about 'the father of Dementors'

interesting...I have a feeling this girl could be a witch? I liked this bit of description "Dudley sat glaring at the television" lol it's accurate.

good start!

Hi, The story is ok.

Loads of cliche and a ton of "Americanism". Might wanna work on that if you want to spin this into a decent plot. Also, note that Ginny's not really a close enough friend to ask for monetary help at the end of fifth year. I found that part a little weird.

Plus points: grammar is better than most of the stuff floating around in fanfiction.

Looking forward to better chapters.
Cheers
- Vivek

Interesting! I like Aranea!

So Drema was a muggleborn I wonder what the purebloods think of that.

Oh, Vernon is just ASKING for it in this latest chapter! I like the way that the story is going thus far, and I hope that Harry decides that he is not going back to the Dursley's but is going to stay with his new friend's family if they will let him.