this was really awesome! i beg that you continue because i love how such a simple scene was made more complex and the emotions were more obvious. it makes me appreciate the scene in the game more now haha :D

really good
nicely written :]

It has potential, but the point of view shifts weirdly. You might wanna try and fix that.

FANTASTIC.

I really liked that you added extra details to what I thought was an already perfect scene. well done. I would to read more from you. If you keep doing good work that is.

Congrats.

Dan