   Marcus S. Lazarus
2008-09-18 . chapter 38DAMN…
OK, in terms of scale alone, this story is SERIOUSLY cool!
Your writing style- particularly your sentence structure- could do with a bit of work, of course, but your plot more than makes up for that particular ‘problem’, so I’m prepared to ignore it in favour of focusing on your character development.
The idea of the ‘Hearts of the Sea’ was a particularly intriguing concept, creating a perfect concept with which to combine the three worlds portrayed in your story and give them all a ‘common element’; the Hearts were created by Calypso, one was given to Triton’s ancestors, one to the Atlanteans, and one…
Well, I guess you’ll be covering that one in the sequels at some point, right?
Admittedly, the idea of pirates in the present is a BIT of a stretch- although some smaller moments, such as Flounder and Dax doing the Hula or the group trying to ‘educate’ Kida despite her earlier displaying enough English to tell them the essential details of Atlantis’s history, seem a bit ‘tacked on’ as well, but they were minor enough to ‘overlook’-, but hey; if it brings Captain Jack Sparrow to the party, who cares about a little detail like that?
Particularly since the pirates originally come from the ‘Flying Dutchman’ rather than a more traditional ship, of course; the idea of modern pirates might be a stretch in the REAL world, but in a world where Davy Jones still roams the seas, the concept of less supernatural, more conventional pirates existing in the present is by comparison relatively easy to accept.
Your original ‘twists’ on the story were also enjoyable, in my opinion; I particularly liked the part where Ariel, Frey, and Jack took control of the ‘Dauntless’ to rescue Eric with only the three of them, particularly when Jack did the ever-famous “I’m Captain Jack Sparrow” line to… persuade… the crew to see things his way, although the use of the robot ‘Wally’ was also kind of amusing.
Plus, of course, character dynamic wise, your little ‘nigh-on-mother/daughter’ bond between Ariel and Helga was an interesting touch; a rather intriguing look at the better side to Helga’s character that the film never really took the opportunity to explore. (On a slightly related topic, if you like stories where Helga redeems herself I can recommend “Fantasia Crisis”; Helga’s recruited as part of a group of twelve Disney characters to stop the demon Chernabog from destroying their worlds and ends up becoming the group’s second-in-command, forming a particular bond with group leader Simba)
On the topic of mothers, any chance your sequels will further explore the circumstances behind Jack meeting Ariel’s mother? Even with his usual ‘weird’ nature taken into account, judging by his comment about how it “never would have worked” between him and Athena- which I can’t recall ever being used unless there was some ACTUAL chemistry between the two parties involved-, I have a feeling that encounter would be particularly interesting to know more about…
And as for the ‘alliance’ between Davy Jones and Ursula…
Chilling stuff, to say the least; Jones might have been a more tragic villain rather than actually being explicitly EVIL, but you still can’t deny that he made one REALLY disturbing adversary, and having him allied with someone with Ursula’s kind of magical ability definitely did NOT make for an encouraging situation.
Quite frankly, the only GOOD thing about that particular ‘team-up’ was the fact that it was clear neither of them got along that well; Jones’s casual attitude towards the Kraken going after her was proof enough of that, if you ask me.
Keep up the good work; after those trailers you included at the end, I am DEFINITELY looking forward to checking out the sequels! |
FanFiction.Net - unleash your imagination
anomynous