teehee! this was amazing! your stories are incredible, amazing superb- every positive noun in the universe! i'm reading your story yummy love! it's great- just as 5 Rabbits. Oh- i loved this fic! it was funny!

I honestly thought that Mikan was about to die. Heheh. It was pretty smart of you to put Mikan picking up the 5 rabbits.

hahahaha that was great.

Dodging a bullet without knowing it... That's hilarious.

lol. Cute story !

haha its funny! to dodge because of 5 rabbits hehe:D nice story!! XD

Hahaha! This is so funny! :))

Haha...

That was lucky of her...
Very cute...

You should make more of these things

It's cute..
though it was so cheesy..
But i found your vocabulary nice.. :)

Your pen name is -coughs- odd, Optatus Crepusculum. Nice choice of Latin words. :) Anyway, can I call you Twilight-san? So that the next time I review one of your stories, it'd be easier for me to call you. No offense meant. ;)

Before I get a tad out of hand, let me give you my reaction.

~

I don't like the way your story begins. Yes, you're creating the perfect mood but the words you have used aren't powerful enough to show the environment and the atmosphere.

"...a loud, childish voice spoke out." Hm, I believe a voice can't speak out.

The word "blue" has been redundant in your description of Mikan's attire. So has the term "lass". Plus, it is also established that Hotaru has a jet-black hair. No need to repeat. Ditto to Mikan's chocolate eyes and Natsume's crimson orbs. "frozen on the spot" has been, too.

"Nevertheless, he still had the same feelings – and that certain affection would be the cause of her heartbroken one day." This sentence confuses me. It is because of either a sheer pronoun confusion or its meaning's insignificance.

"He then averted his gaze at him to the smiling brunette who was currently playing ‘Toss-and-Win’." Hm, maybe you can consider changing the "at" to a "from".

I think I've spotted some sentences with a dangling modifier. One is: "“Natsume! Where the heck are you?!” Mikan yelled at, nearing the spot where the two lads were yet not noticing them at all."

"...Persona, pointed the gun at the nearing brunette girl." Perhaps you can change it to "...Persona, who was pointing the gun at the nearing brunette."

"...middle of shock of the event." is lacking something, I propose. And it should have been "were" instead of "was" in this sentence: "...out that Hotaru and the group was responsible..."

I like your characterization. They are all in character. Natsume's sweet thought of burning the food stands makes me smile. Typical of him. Though personally, the others may not be that insensitive to laugh off such a menacing event.

The plot is as unique as your pen name, Twilight-san. Hilarious to think that a five-rabbit coin will save her. Nice and clever!

~

There. I'm done.

Much respect,

henseishi-kun / Abnormality Words

Aw~ this was a nice story. ^^ Like, all your fan fictions are so enjoyable to read! They make my heart feel all warm and fluffy... strangely. xD ANYways, good job! It was great!

hilarious!

How funny! Money can actually save one's life. Hehe.

Minor error: A raven has feathers, not hair.

LOL!
That was seriously hilarious.
Persona leaves the scene out of humiliation. XD
...
LOL! XD

haha that was funny... she was saved by the five rabbit hahahaha... nicw onw...^^ keep up the good work^^