Let's start with your poor excuse for a summary.

[This is the story of the past before Al Muliam became obsesed and before the game took place. A story of Atliars love who is also an assassin follow her through Betrayal and love and lust]

You spelt Al Mualim, obsessed, and Altair (for ** sake, at least get the main character right) wrong. You have abused so many commas that they will no longer show their faces in your **tard story, and you capitalise words that do not need to be capitalised. You also missed a period at the end of your sentence.

As for your story... I'll put it this way:

I am going to hang myself from the staircase whilst gouging my eyes out at the same time with a plastic spork.

Yes, you heard me; a spork, of all things.

Enter key? Has your stupid self never heard of the damn thing, or perhaps you are allergic to it? As for grammar, historical accuracy in dialogue (seriously, would you ever expect an assassin to say 'ya'), and general spelling, it bloody well sucks.

Get this piece of ** off the site.

George.

ohh! this last part is truly great, is altair her big brother? lol well anyway good story, keep going.

Great Storyline, I Love Your Writing Style. You Should Definately Continue On With This Story, For I Know I Will Keep On Reading It.

Best Of Luck.

-xSilentxAssassinx

update soon please

great story please update soon

Mary Sue~

nice loved the game and story is good

I absoloutly love this!
And very good for your first try. ^_^
PLEASE! PLEASE! UPDATE SOON!

You need a beta. Fast. This coming from someone who is mediocre at best concerning grammar. The mistakes run rampant in this fic. Really now, how do you misspell 'follow' and 'betrayal' in your summary!? The very thing that advertises the story! If you can post a chapter you can take the time to spell-check it. Use an online one, it doesn't matter!

They're
There
Their

They sound the same but mean completely different things. Also, your formatting is a bit rough on the eyes. You should begin a new paragraph every time someone new speaks.

As for the story, well judging from chapter one it seems like your character will be taking the spotlight. The majority of paragraphs focus on her. She seems pretty generic at the moment, personally I'm more interested in reading about Altair but something tells me this fic will be mainly about her. Oh and:

“He trusts me and tends to confide into me.” - That just sounds so wrong... How does one confide 'into' another?

Because of chapter one, I simply skimmed chapter two. All about her... Don't get me wrong I love what OCs can contribute to a story. But yours fails to do so. She's bland; she basically comes off as a female Altair. Which in turn can easily make her detestable to others, so be warned on that. It's a thin line when it comes to a well developed character and a mary sue.

Why does she seem sueish? She's immediately introduced to the story, she's paired with our main man, Surprise! She seems to have all his abilities too! And as said before the fic is focusing way too heavily on her. I don't think this is a story beyond saving; it has some potential of being one of the good ones in this fandom. It just needs some TLC.

My advice would be to get a beta reader and fix up these two chapters, once that's done you should focus on balance, which is key. Try to give all the characters some attention, not just your OC. I say this because people read fanfiction for the characters in the fandom, hence FANfiction. If canon characters get shunned people will lose interest. OCs are great fun to read when written well, so on top of that make your readers interested in her. Give her back-story, give her faults, make her easily relatable your readers.

P.S. Add more description to it. Because as it is now; I can't picture most of this in my minds eye.