its cute

I am one of the duo review team of Antony and Cleopatra. We go around giving constructive criticism around this site in the hopes of people becoming better writers.

Okay, first, while the story is cute it is boring. You have no interesting details and the characterization is flat. The sentences are awkwardly worded and the grammar is bad.

You NEVER begin a sentence with a number. For the very beginning of you sentence you should have written out Second Lieutenant. You can look at that sentence and tell that it’s wrong. In the second sentence the comma before the and isn’t really need. It is not connecting two independent clauses. When you read you pause slightly at a comma and that sentence doesn’t need a pause.

Now the “Sir. Where. Have. You. Been.” Line. I get what you are doing with that. You are trying to gain an effect. Unfortunately, you fail at it. Since you added the description just write it as a question.


You need to develop your sentences better. They are worded awkwardly and it makes your stuff hard to read. You need to learn how to describe better so your stories won't be so dull.

That’s just a few of the flaws I spotted. I wish you luck on becoming a better writer.

I liked this very much, yet there were a lot of errors to this. For instance, your punctuation was out of whack, you put periods in the wrong places and commas in the wrong places as well. Take this line for example:
“Riza, answer the damn question. And that’s an order.”

It is written improperly, here's how that should be written:

"Riza, answer the damn question, and that's an order."

Of course you don't really need to structure it that way, it would sound so better and more impact to it if you said it like this, for example:

"Riza, I'm ordering you to answer the damn question!"

Another thing, you don't use '!' very often, when someone makes something that would be written as an exclamation, you should use that. I hope you found this helpful, and I hope you'll continue to work on this.

Dit was één van de slechtste soorten dingen die I' ve die ooit in mijn leven wordt gelezen, zou beter kunnen zijn maar u hebt overal fouten. Sommige van uw zinsstructuur doesn' t houdt zelfs steek, en u de punctuatie in de verkeerde plaats zetten. Maar toch hebt u de zenuw om diverse auteurs te vertellen dat zij slechte grammatica hebben wanneer duidelijk zij beter zijn. U moet ernstig bij uw het schrijven werken alvorens u ooit begint over een andere persoon benieuwd te zijn. Opnieuw, was dit vreselijk.

That was cute!!

muy bien! (sorry, just finished spanish homework and the few phrases i kno are still bouncing around in my head...) luv the fluff. fluff fluff fluff me likey fluff

I really liked the ending, with the two of them discussing their fears...it was done well, with the characters staying IN character. There were also some lines that I really liked; "“Riza, answer the damn question..." made me smile for some reason. Just watch your grammar when it comes to dialog.

(Also, you might want to put in line breaks in certain parts...for instance, when the scene switches from the office to them arriving at Riza's place. Although it's entirely possible that they were there and the site ate them...it seems to love to do that to me, anyway.)

Good job overall.

aw! I LOVE FLUFF (who doesnt?)!! very well written ^_^

awh fluff. it's cute. and funny at the beginning.