|Reviews for Fated|
| BloodyRose-97 4/15/12 . chapter 20
first person to review chap 20! o.o
ok... i admit that i kind of forgot what happened in chap 19, so i need to re-read that chap again... but never mine :D
i am so excited that you are starting to update again yeah!
as usual, this is an awesome chap! (i dont remember reviewing for your fanfic :) but i will start from now)
update quicker, ne? _
| Shizaki Kuro 3/16/12 . chapter 19
Ugh! F-ing bomb!
anyway love the story so far and cant wait for more!
| Dimensional Roamer 2/28/12 . chapter 19
Wow, this story is so intense, with the assasinations, plots, bombs, and everything! Great job. Though, you have me thinking now... why would chitose from atobe sabatoge ryoma? are he and his sister spies from nomorou? Anyways, thanks for writing this, and please update soon. Dr
| Lanashe 1/28/12 . chapter 19
Damn. I wonder who'll step up and admit that they have some minor (or not minor at all) knowledge on how to disarm bombs. This tension.. Oh jeebus. I wonder what's going to happen.
I'll be waiting patiently for the next update. :)
| MARYLOVER 1/3/12 . chapter 19
Late and short review but here it is. Poor Ryoma, but dear boy, let's just think it's the storm before calm don't you think? just be a bit patient okay?
And by the way... happy new year!
| Shikamaru's lazy twin 12/14/11 . chapter 19
wow for the action.
the new character list is much easier to read but you have Yanagisawa Shinya on it twice.
Hope to see more from you soon.
| NDebN 12/4/11 . chapter 19
Lol I had to re-read the entire story to re-grasp the entire story, because everything got so confusing with the update. But I'm happy that I did it since this story is worth it. It's interesting to see how you try to fit everything. And I'll probably will have to re-read it everytime you update, since I have to use my brain to not get lost in this story.
Anyway great job and I'm looking forward to the next update for this story.
| TeNsHi No ToIkI 12/4/11 . chapter 19
Omh chitose is evil!:(:( great story so far but it is kind of long winded... Anw thanks for updating!:)
| Mystical Crimson Dance 12/3/11 . chapter 19
lol very dramatic near the end...it makes me impatient... keep up the good work!
| PheonixShadow 12/3/11 . chapter 19
so much tension! I hope they manage somehow to get the bomb out... :( or at least, minimize the damages. *praying*
thanks for another awesome chappie though, and all your other updates. Everytime you release a new chapter I get so happy I literally bounced off my chair. :P
| YukinaKisaYanaseLVR 12/3/11 . chapter 19
whats gonna happen now? :0
| tenten32158 10/30/11 . chapter 10
I've read a lot of your fanfictions over the last two to three days, and I wanted to let you know that I have enjoyed them all so far. But there is one thing that's really been bugging me. Your stories all have a lot of mistakes grammar wise. I've seen missing letters, extra letters, fragments, missing commas, and little stuff like that. These can be ignored easily enough.
The stuff that's really bugging me are missing words that change the whole meaning of the sentence and awkward sentences that I have to reread multiple times to understand. Missing words that change sentence meanings will confuse readers, which is counterproductive to any story. Awkward sentences interrupt the flow, which easily interrupts the pace at which the story should be read. When there's an awkward sentence in the middle of a really suspenseful seen, it completely ruins the mood.
Another problem I noticed is that there are instances of dialogue between two people that doesn't mesh well. Even if a conversation is completely random, you can still tell people are talking to each other. I've read some conversations in your fics that seem like the two characters may be in the same room, but they aren't speaking to each other at all. (I've read too many of your fics these past few days to be able to pinpoint any specifics, but they exist...maybe not in this particular one, sorry.)
On a side note, being mysterious is fine, but grammar is grammar, and conversations that don't make much sense to the reader at that point in time, but it should still seem like conversational partners are, in fact, speaking with each other.
I should mention that I've read many of your older fics as well as the newer ones. And I highly suggest that you either go through and revise your work much more thoroughly or get yourself a beta-reader. You are by far definitely not the worst writer as far as grammar goes. I don't bother reading, or reviewing for that matter, fanfiction that has particularly bad grammar, but grammar mistakes, big or small, affect the flow of reading and are a hindrance to any piece of literature.
Now, more specifically on this particular fic: Fated.
First off, I am reviewing on the chapter I have just now finished reading. I plan on reading the rest, but it's getting late, so I'll be getting off to sleep as soon as I'm done with this review.
I am very much impressed with how you're writing the business aspect and the fact that you have placed the various characters in believable roles. I've noticed that you're very good at that in your various AU fanfictions. I also like how you focus a lot of attention on the minor as well as the major characters. Despite the fact that you're using a very large number of characters, their various roles are easy to distinguish due to you giving each one enough face time. Another thing I enjoy is the development of all the interpersonal relationships.
However, I find the romance portion to be very lacking. I understand that it's taking a back seat, as romance is the secondary genre in this fic, but the romantic relationships seem to be moving too fast or underdeveloped.
In regards to Nakatsu and Rina, they have had one one-hour lunch date together. From the few details you gave, they went into far more personal details of their life than what you alluded to at the beginning. Rina says that she won't talk much about herself, but then you have them lost in childhood memories. This is also countered with the whole not mixing work and romantic relationships (unless I read that part wrong). If someone doesn't talk about themselves much, it will take them a while to open up. And an hour isn't enough time for that. Less because of trust issues and more because of the sheer amount of time speaking takes up. Time and conversation is a funny thing. A whole sentence can be said in a few seconds, but conversations on one, single topic can easily take hours.
Another sidenote type thing, you got rather repetitive during the paragraphs where Nakatsu is thinking about how Rina is approachable rather than machine-like.
In regards to Ryoma and Fuji, their beginning is rather unbelievable. Not because it was so fast but because of the way you wrote it. You repeatedly wrote for both of them that the way their relationship started was not "like them". In an AU fic, you can change a character's personality or stretch a particular part of it to a certain extent where they are still the person we all know and love, but once you've decided on that personality, you've got to stick with it. Both character's repeatedly telling themselves and each other that it wasn't a good idea / they weren't sure if they should start a relationship / it wasn't like them to be doing this detracts from the beginning and the foundations a lot. This makes the rest of the developments in the relationship seem random and rather abrupt. The steps and explanations of said developments also seem carelessly thrown in.
I think there was a few other things, but this is mostly what I can remember off the top of my head...oh yeah!
Lots of good foreshadowing and set up for smaller pieces falling together to make sense of the bigger picture in the future. Maybe I'm imagining it, but my intuition is normally right about these things.
Before I leave, I want to say that I've truly enjoyed reading your writing. This fanfiction and all the others are fairly well-written. The plot structure and character development is very well done, and I can tell the foundation for all the different version of Japan is strong and sound. I look forward to continuing to read your stuff.
| shinjuku041 10/19/11 . chapter 18
oh my...I feel bad for Kotona being raped and abused like that
That was simply disturbing.
I hope she and other innocent characters will be able to have their justice in the end..
Your style of writing is amazing. I hope you can finish this and your other stories as well. Keep on writing. I really want to read something more from you. :)
| Guest 10/16/11 . chapter 8
-Fuji x Ryoma-
/Stop reading right there and close the fckin page
"You've trolled me this far. Fck you, author. Srsly, fck you. I fckin hate you"
| PoT 10/13/11 . chapter 18
awesomw awesome awesome!