Haha... Nice, don't see enough mangaverse Spiral on here! Kudos for your addition. Very interestingly well done for a first time into the fandom!
I like how you managed to fit the manga scenes in neatly too!
On a side note (that you may ignore if you wish), personally, I felt that Hizumi came off a little bit too evil-aggressive-ish(?) 'cause I always thought that, though he's a bit weak-willed and slightly angsty inside, he's generally more of the teasing, keep smiling and act happy in the time he has left no matter what type. 'Cuz he's scared of having his limited time before fate wasted on being unhappy or something? Just my impression, haha!
Hope my review wasn't too long and/or rambling... Sorry!
I can't wait to see more of your fics and ideas! Keep 'em coming! =D

Awsome work.

I got to say though, i was expecting her to somehow find out in the end that it was just her imagination XD but looks like its not (yay) lol.

Your writing more Hiz x Ayu fics? :D yay, theres not enough of them fics around ^^ we need more.

This is good really good. I liked it a lot.

Please continue.

update!~

It was good. Though, you did have several very long, potentially run-on sentences.

"She knew about his brother, about his sister--his first love who had been stolen away by that dastardly Kiyotaka-niisan--and also about his fear of hornets--the only person, one of three, actually, if you remember that Kousuke had discovered it from Kiyotaka, the only one who Narumi-san had willingly told, and how many of the other Blade Children knew?--who knew it. None of them girls did."

This should be more than one long run on. Cut out a little of the detail and you should be fine; maybe also split up long sentences like this into two or three different sentences.

Also, you're a little inconsistent with how you punctuate thoughts. Half the time they seem to be in parentheses and half the time they're not.

You kept everyone in character and kept the tone well throughout the whole of the chapter, which is good. Overall, it was pretty well-written, just a little long-winded in places.

hi..! i like it...
i think you have a pretty wide world of imagination in your head, huh?
i really really like it.
i hope you'd make a continuation!

SO MUCH LOVE. All the subtle Hizu/Ayu hints (especially the slinging an arm around shoulders) and Hiyono's picking on them and especially, especially, her denial. This is wonderful, it had me giggle with fangirl glee from the beginning to the very end. Hizumi, your Hizumi is fantastic, especially during the phone call - dark and mean and bitter under the cheerful mask. Nyaa.
I adore this and I'll definitely be waiting for any more fic from you :D