Plz update it's really good i really love it plz plz plz update

Nun, mal eine Meinung von einem deutschen Leser.
Also ich muss leider sagen, diese Fanfiction ist wirklich...
du hast das ausgebessert?
Ich denke nicht gerade, dass die FF besser geworden ist.
Dein Charakter ist definitiv eine Mary Sue, die Beschreibungen von Situationen und Gefühlen sind schlecht und Kimiko und rai sind definitiv OOC.
Raimundo wirkt wie ein Emo der jetzt aus seiner Depression geführt wird, Kimiko ist das reinste Miststück (und also Eifersucht wäre bei ir vorstellbar, aber so? Nie im Leben)
Und Chase... Case als Handlanger irgendeines mysteriösen Typen, der wahrscheinlich in bester Sue Manier der Vergewaltiger deines Owncharas ist?
Nein.
Tut mir leid, aber in dieser Fanficition wird definitiv kein einziges Sue Klischee ausgelassen. Dein Ownchara und Raimundo stehen im Mittelpunkt, alle anderen sind mal wieder nur am Rande, obwohl auch für die Serie relevant usw.
Kurz gesagt:
Deine Figur ist ein Serienparasit.
Und so wie das läuft, rate ich die Story grundlegend zu verändern, insbesonder ein Bezug auf die Fähigkeiten und das Verhalten deines Charas, sowie der Entwicklung von Kimiko und raimundo.

mfg
All hail the light.

m okay the story DOES have potential
i understand that you may be a start up author or very young
so that means that your stories will improve
i say this because my stories were like yours and may very well still be like them, when people say they suck ignore them, only listen to the critiques and take them to heart. Learn from them.
Keep writing and reading books to get ideas on how your wriing style will be
I like it
Please read my story The Past

and also, why if she has mastery over all of the elements does the fact that she can't use water mean anything?

oh man, avatar much? Come on, get a little more inventive than just lifting others story lines for your own little self insertating mary sue fanfiction
You've done a complete reworking of both Raimundo and Kimiko's characters for no apparent reason other than it fits what you want them to be so that your character and Raimundo will fall in love and to validate that you make Kimiko into something she's not and I'm sure the creator never intended her to be

This is an Avatar crossover, isn't it. -sighs- I was hoping for something a little more original, and perhaps longer chapters. Thanks.

Huh, interesting story. (shook head at few reviewers make sue comment) I don't care about a sue or not. Once a OC, always a OC. Mary Sue is like a crazy, boy-chasing females with giant ego love-talking or fragile heart faking tears. OC is like a non-main characters or more interesting fighters with interesting background. (chuckles) I find Nicole quite interesting character.

Maybe you can let us get to know her more, or more likely her past and the purpose of why she appeared in the beginning. And I'd like to know who is the mystery guy that Chase Young was talking to. (being curious, of course)

Let's Adventures of "Crimes of Passion" begin, Cartoonartist! ^_^ I can't wait for next chapters to updated!

~*Lizz*~

I LUV THIS STORY! KEEP DOING MORE CHAPTERS!!

Mary Sue Alert!
I can't stand Sues like Nicole!
Wake up!! This is obviously a self insertion fic!
You've butchered Kimiko's character in an attempt to give some sort of valid reason for your character and Raimundo to be together.
Your character is way to perfect (and I know you'll immediatley rattle off a list of her 'faults') but from what I've read your character is totally a Sue.
And Dragon of Truth? Truth isn't an element, hate to break it to you. And she has powers of all elements?
No offense but you cannot write a good story with a Sue, think about it

Ok here's my opinion on this chapter:

I don't like Nicole. I'm sorry but her character just seems too bossy, rude, conceded and as I said before: unlikeable. From the begining she hasn't shown kindness to any character other then Raimundo. Plus her being able to controll every element only makes her a more unattractive character. It's kind of like 'Well if she's got the powers of every element then why do we need the other dragons, who only have the powers of one element?'

"I'm the Dragon of Trust. You all remember the Bird Of Paradise? Yeah. I'm the Dragon Of Trust."

-I sort of know what your trying to get across by referencing the Bird of Paradise but not really. It's just a little random.


'"I like what you did to Kimiko, though."

"You don't like her?"

"Not really. I got a lot of things on my mind. I used to like her. I know she likes me. She makes it seem so obvious. We went out for a few days but I decided that she's not for me. But she doesn't know that. I didn't want to hurt her."'

-Ok Raimundo has never shown signs of not liking Kimiko, MAYBE when he went over to the Heylin side but just barely! It is COMPLETELY out of character(OOC)! Raimundo just seems immature in these few sentences. As leader he wouldn't just 'not like' one of his teamates unless they did something really bad!

'"I have no time for fun."'

- Wow. Raimundo always has time for fun! He is the fun loving, carefree member of the team! Even though he's leader, his personality hasn't changed that much! He just became more responsible, he didn't lose his love of fun. Rai=Fun. So Rai has been EXTREMELY OOC in this chapter!

So to wrap up the review of this chapter, I'd just like to remind you to start a new paragraph after a new person is speaking. Thanks! I really hope this is helping!

Ok I'm going to be completely honest in this review. So please don't be offended by anything I say:

Chapter 1 was a little confusing and unclear with the sentence structures,the way events were explained, and how Nicole was introduced. You also changed verb tenses a few times and there were a few grammer mistakes but it could've been worse. Here are a few sentences that irked me:

"Clay and Omi were somewhere...look we just don't know where they are." Um...this sentence seems lazy I'm sorry.

"I understand. Raimundo, please escort our new dragon to the quarters." I just wanted to point out that if she was a new dragon then Master Fung wouldn't have known who she was.

"What is your element? All of them." OCs are very tricky to create because you don't want them to be too perfect but on the other hand they should have a purpose to be in the story. So by having Nicole's elements be all of them, it makes her seem too perfect and not likeable.

I hope this review was helpful!

Rai and Nicole don't belong together. Rai and Kim do. This is seriously irking me(but I can't stop reading it!)

Jonathan? o.O?

Um...oh yeah. If Chase is about to kidnap or otherwise trap Nicole, please, don't. It's way too unoriginal. And Chase doesn't talk like that. He would say something along the lines of: "The girl seems to be stronger than we thought. We may have to step it up if we want her to join us."(Yes, I'm copyrighting that.) Just a tip.

BTW, if Nicole is the Dragon of Trust, how does she have all the elements? The correct way to portray her would be to call her the Guardian of Elements, or something like that. Just another tip.

Also, if Nicole is there to replace Mater Fung for a few days, why is she getting hot with Rai? Isn't that unprofessional? Just ANOTHER tip.

Geez, I'm full of tips today! I hope I'm not being to ** you, but at least it's better than:
lYk, 0Mg!1!!1! tH1S St0Ry 1s S0 k33wl!!1!1!!1!11

Keep it up! There are very few authors who can get a review this long out of me!

This story is pretty hard to follow because you have all of quotes right next to each other.
after taking some time (and a lot of frustration) I got through some of it and skimmed the rest because I could already guess where this was going.
You've been watching a lot of 'Avatar' haven't you?
Nothing wrong with being inspired by something else but make sure you deviate.

The biggest problem here is that your character is a major Mary Sue
My suggestion is to take a good hard look at your OC and evaluate where this story is going.
I can already guess where this story is going so good luck with proving me wrong

ZOMGSH. No. Rai and Kim are MEANT for each other! :P

Suspense is killing me...