Reviews for Artire's Return

Reviews For: Artire's Return

Virtuella 2008-08-21 ch 1,	abuseOh, what evil rests in the heart of - ahem - the Maiar? I find this so interesting; you write about topics that would never occur to me. I also liked your description of how the cave life fed of the life on the sunny surface. It seemed very symbolic, though I fail to work out of what...
Bethuviel 2008-02-29 ch 1,	abuseExcellant writing! I enjoyed the first so much I had to read this one as well. How the mighty have fallen-in reference to Artire of course. I just wonder where his quest for vengence will lead him? Good character development.
Claudi007 2008-02-29 ch 1,	abuseYou have a good start here. This is an interesting plot idea, and fits in nicely with the given canon. It makes a nice change from those stories that merely rehash things that Tolkien already wrote. There are a couple problems in here that are common among beginner writers and people who haven't studied English in depth, but shouldn't be too difficult to fix: -Punctuation. In particular, the quotation marks. If speech is differentiated through use of ", quotations with in speech should be a single '. (Example: "And then he told me that he wanted 'nothing to do with it'," said Lisa.) -Verb conjugation. I admit this is a very picky pet peeve of mine, but you might want to read up on the subjunctive mode, when it's necessary, and how it's conjugated. I won't go into all the details here because it would take too long, but to give an example, the following sentence should be in the subjunctive: “Who are you?” asked one of the trolls, leering at Artíre as if he was about to devour him. That should be 'as if he WERE about to devour him'. -POV. You want to keep the point of view consistent throughout the story, or at least throughout the scene. In the two scene where you have more than one character, the POV slips back and forth. This is one of the top five most common mistakes for new authors, but an experienced beta will be able to show you where it wanders and how to keep it on track. The trick is to make sure you're only telling the story (or the scene, if you include scene breaks) through the eyes of one character. In this case, you want everything to be shown as Artíre and only Artíre sees it. So in the last segment, instead of describing Melkor's anger as it manifests in Melkor's mind, try to visualise how it would appear to Artíre. -You're including lots of description, which is important, but almost all of it is of a very straightforward style. This is one of the most important things that separates beginners from more experienced writers: the ability to express things in unique and interesting ways. So instead of just saying 'noun was adjective', try experimenting with your wording. Sometimes I find that actively trying to use as few adjectives as possible helps immensely, as well as keeping usage of the words 'was' and 'were' to a minimum. And make sure that all description is necessary and relevant to Artíre's POV. For an example: It was like being in the maw of a mighty, drooling beast whose mouth was partially open. You have 'was' twice in this sentence. To reword more strongly, consider a format like, 'It felt to [Artíre] as if he were held in the maw of some mighty, drooling beast.' (Though you might also want to make reference to the cold, since an automatic association with drooling beasts is hot breath. Unless you're interested in implementing the suggestion below.) -The opening sequence seems a little too close to Gollum for me. Was this intentional? If so, you might want to increase the relevance that the Gollum parallel has in your story. (Does Artíre later lead Gollum to his cave life?) If not, perhaps consider moving Artíre's hiding place to somewhere different and unlike what Tolkien described elsewhere. What about a hot cavern with steam instead of condensation? This might give him further opportunity to be reminded of his hatred for Sauron. -Final, tiny things: Middle-earth, not Middle Earth (in your notes at the top). Balgor is a Sindarin name when the rest you use are Quenya, and Olû would likely be better off as simply Olu. There are no circumflex accents in Quenya. Anyhow, this came out far longer than I intended, and I don't mean to dissuade you from writing. You have some promising moments here, and I'll be interested to watch your style and abilities improve as you continue to explore the art of writing.
The Battling Bard 2008-02-25 ch 1,	abuseI love this. It was rich in detail, with an intriguing and unique plot. Artíre is a fantastic OC.
Rabid Ballet Freak 2008-02-24 ch 1,	abuseHi Wendy! I, as a fluffy, happy girl, like your story very much. Good luck! -Blackie

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