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| Luv2Game 2008-03-12 ch 1,  | abuseWell, this was interesting. ^^ I did notice that a couple of thoughts strung together, a few commas were misplaced, and that Hahn's dialogue was a little off. It should be something like, "Those are no lights". Just the wrong tense, really. But I did like this. I can tell you put effort into it. You did good. Keep at it. ^^ |
| leavingyouforme 2008-02-28 ch 1, | abuseIt's really short, but a well-done fic: You have all the persons in character and written as they are, and caught the atmosphere of the moment. You should maybe use in "They saw green lights swirl around a blue one" the gerund for "swirl". And structurize some of the paragraphs more because different trains of thought are directly following each other which don't match that way. In the third paragraph for example, you put after Fehn's thoughts what Jade was doing, although these two things don't relate to each other. But apart from these details is your story, like I already said, well-done and great. |